Books. Books. Books.

While here I have learned that Africans love married couples. They truly value marriage and see it as such a beautiful blessing. People are always asking us how long we have been married and asking us about married life, how its treating us, what we have learned, our challenges, our joys. When we told one woman we had been married just 9 months – she said oh so it’s a new family, and I said YES it is. Being here has reminded me of how deep my love is for Peter and that when we said I DO on August 15th, 2009, we were indeed starting a new family!

Recently I have read a few relationship books, trying to figure out how my husband ticks, why he is the way he is, and realizing that there is a common thread between ALL men. I long to be a “good” wife. I long to love him the way God has called me to. I long to aid God in refining Peter and making him more holy. In Love and Respect, I learned that I long to feel loved, while Peter longs to feel respected. So RESPECT is an important component in our relationship with each other.

Another book I just finished reading is Sex God by Rob bell. I brought a ton of books with me to Africa and I finally finished the first one, but the duplex we are staying in has a collection of books. So I, being a major book connoisseur, decided to comb through the selection of books, and I landed upon this book by Rob Bell.

In the first chapter he talks about Genesis and how we reflect what God is like and who God is. He states, “A divine spark resides in every single human being”. How you treat the creation reflects how you feel about the Creator. How you treat yourself and others also reflects how you feel about the Creator. Thus, when I respect the image of god in others, I protect the image of god in me.

In the final chapters of this book, Bell mentioned some beautiful things about marriage that I wanted to share. But before I do that I wanted to share some of my own insights. Peter and I have been married only 9 months now and my hope and prayer is that we grow old and gray together. Many people say that the first year is the most difficult. Although Peter and I have yet to make it to the one year mark, I can at least attest to the last 9 months, and I can say with confidence that it is hard, but it is also so good. However, I can see with my own two eyes how easy it would be to fall away from each other. I can see how easy it would be to live a separate life and to never see each other. I can see how easy it would be to simply be roommates passing in the night. I can see how different schedules, different sleeping patterns, different interests, different friends, different TV shows could separate a couple. I can see how easy it would be to fall away from each other, and I now fully understand the reason for intentional time/date nights with your spouse. Many people think “but you see them ALL the time…I mean you DO live with each other”. But that intentional time is what keeps the relationship strong because it is within that time that you are reminded of your deep love and friendship for one another. It is within this time, whether it is during a shared meal, a walk/run, or even a coffee date that you are reminded as to WHY you chose this person to love and to marry.

So onto Rob Bell’s insights – when a couple first gets married, there are a thousand little adjustments they are constantly making, a thousand discussions about he details of life, a thousand conversations about trivial things that are actually significant. Such as…what kind of toothpaste do you use? Or do we use the same tube? (one that has been an issue in our house – how do you squeeze the toothpaste tube? Is it from the bottom of the tube or the middle?) What side of the bed do you sleep on? (also another one that was an issue in our house, but has been solved with some serious justification) Lots of covers, none, a fan, air-conditioning, an open window, an electric blanket, heat turned up or down at night? (I love a lot of blankets, Peter dislikes so many blankets – we have compromised!) Who will do the cooking? Is it you or him?

So many questions with so many answers….Bell states that is these details, these everyday sorts of lists that sound so minor, that are often at the heart of a marriage…they’re what you find out about the person as you begin the lifelong exploration of just who this person is. As I read this part of the book, I was able to answer nearly all of the questions he posed. His thoughts on this subject are so very true. You can learn so much about yourself, your spouse and your marriage simply by observing, reflecting and asking questions.

He also writes about the concept of choice. Although some may believe that who they marry is pre-ordained by God and there is only one person out there for them, their soul mate, ultimately they still have to CHOOSE to love that person. Love is still a choice, and out of 6 billion people on the planet, I chose Peter. And no one else. No one else gets me in this specific, holy, sacred, emotional, spiritual, physical way. Quite often people forget their own stories. They forget what attracted them to the other in the beginning. They forget the mystery of what brought them together. They lose sight of the holiness of marriage, the exclusivity within marriage and the power that is derived from both.

ALL these next bits are straight from the mouth of Rob Bell. So please remember this and don’t give me ANY credit for these beautiful thoughts and images.

A marriage is a sacred, holy thing, and it needs to be treated with respect and honor.
The point of marriage isn’t marriage. It’s a picture. A display. A window that you look through to something else. A marriage has a mission. When our trust has been betrayed and those who were supposed to stand by us don’t, this naturally has consequences for how we think about God. A marriage is designed to counter all of this. Not to add to the brokenness of the world but to add to the “oneness” of the world. This man and this woman who have given themselves to each other are supposed to give the world a glimpse of hope, a display of what God is like.

When we go to a wedding, maybe we’re so moved because we want this new couple to succeed. We intuitively know that their “success” is somehow tied to ours. Their making of love makes the world a better place to live, a place where there is more love for all of us. Maybe that is why we always notice great marriages. When their love is growing, it inspires us. Their life together gives US life.

And finally, after all of this leaving and cleaving and bones and flesh, the passage ends with the line “the man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame”. No shame or embarrassment. No apologizing for who they are. No covering up or pretending. Total acceptance of each other. That’s what we want, isn’t it? We want someone to see us exactly as we are and still love its. It’s terrifying to let people see who we really are. Being naked is terrifying. If you see me for who I really am, if I give you that kind of glimpse into the seat of my being, into my soul, will you still love me like you do now? We crave unconditional, absolute acceptance from a lover and also from God. This is why a marriage is always about something bigger than itself. It’s two people, in their unconditionally loving embrace of each other, showing each other in flesh and blood what God is like. These two are naked, and they feel no shame.

Lastly, he writes about the pattern for how we’re made to connect with one another and sometimes we find that the progression is out of order. The passage in Genesis about Adam and Eve is about whole persons coming together. All of him being given to all of her, and all of her being given to all of him. If he wants her just for her body, that splits her. It means that she is good to him only for a part of her. It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex. People do it all the time. But opening up your soul to someone, letting them into your spirit and your thoughts and fears and future and hopes and dreams…THAT IS BEING NAKED.

And from the mouth of Malia Drennan…THAT IS BEING NAKED. It is easy to take your clothes off for someone, especially easy when it is your husband, but it is HARD to share your deepest, darkest thoughts and fears. It is HARD to share ALL of yourself because you fear rejection, disappointment, and so many other things. But it is so very freeing when you do share, and your vulnerability gives space for the other to be vulnerable as well.