Day 6...at the hospital.

Well today is day 6 since we arrived through the hospital doors for just a regular old appointment and landed ourselves in a hospital room.  I truly can't even begin to describe all the emotions that have run through my body since I have been here.  And I won't even go into all the details - would probably take way too long, and as I type this I'm anticipating the arrival of a nurse for another dosage of medication.

That it what my days consist of...medication, rest, blood pressure checks, baby monitoring, getting up from my bed for pee breaks, eating food in bed (hate that - so I have started to change that up a bit!), reading magazines, watching tv, etc.  For some this sounds luxurious, but for me it's really hard.  And it's not hard because yes, I would rather be somewhere else, and yes we do have things to do for the baby - they are by no means ESSENTIAL, but I'm struggling because I feel as though I have no say in my medical care.  And yes, I know that ultimately I DO, but what do you do when you are high risk and the doctors really do know best?  Do you stomp your feet and make your opinion known or do you do what you are told?  I ran into this last night...and I have started to realize that one of my new emotions with being in this place of high intervention that is the labor and delivery unit at this hospital is that I feel so very disempowered.  And I know that's not their intent, but it's just how I feel.

So yes, I had a bit of a breakdown.  They monitored the baby at night which they are only doing two times a day, and his heart wasn't doing what they wanted it to do - so they had me strapped up for an hour, and then they took me off the monitor and strapped me back up from 11-1230 AM when the nurse said it would just be for 45 minutes, and then she came back in and said they wanted to monitor the baby from 12:30-1:00.  And I lost it...I told her I felt like a science experiment...that I felt disempowered...that I felt like I didn't have a say in my treatment..that being here just makes me anxious rather than calming my spirits...that I am not a fan of intervention.  And I cried of course, what else is a pregnant woman to do?  And let's be honest, it was 1 AM in the morning and I had planned to go to bed before 11 - so to say I was emotional due to lack of sleep is simply an understatement. I was and still am exhausted!

I mean they wake me up at 3 AM and 6 AM for medications...blah blah blah.  I can say though that they didn't take my blood pressure last night which was nice but I think it's because I kind of put my foot down.  So I definitely don't get a solid night sleep here, but I suppose it's just preparation for when we have a baby right?  At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

And as I read over this, I'm embarrassed by the tone of ingratitude that is threaded throughout this post  And it's slightly embarrassing, but the reality is it's how I feel and yes, we do want our baby to be safe and healthy and I should be willing to do whatever the doctors want me to do for the health and safety of our baby, right?  And I have been.  So I feel so selfish and slightly shameful for even expressing my thoughts on the matter.  So don't get me wrong, we are so grateful that we are here receiving the care that we are receiving, but yes, they are overly cautious here and don't take a chance on anything, but then again, who would expect them to?  Or want them to, right?

We saw our doctor yesterday and Peter was bold enough to ask about going home, and the doctor said we could go home, but he would lose sleep over it and he would wonder every single night how we were doing, and he would rather not do that.  And my darling husband said...well if the doctor would lose sleep over it, then how could he sleep at all if we were to go home.  Doctor said 90% chance you go home and everything is fine, but 10% chance you go home and things go wrong and he loses sleep over it.  Is the 10% chance worth it he asked?  He said, I'm not comfortable until I can say 99% chance or 100% chance, and the reality is he may say that only after the baby comes!  I of course wanted to kick and scream and cry and say yes...it is!  I just want a good night's sleep - I don't want to be poked and prodded - I just want to go home!  Don't worry - I didn't say any of that, I remained calm, silent and collected, until he left the room of course, and then I broke down.  So we will for sure be here until next Wednesday when they do an ultrasound of the baby to determine how much he has grown in the last three weeks, and then we might be able to reassess things, or I may just end up staying here longer.  We don't really know.

So here we are waiting...it's become a beautiful waiting game, learning once again that we are not in control here and truly trusting in the Lord and His plan for all of this.  Throughout this entire experience, I have seen a new side of my husband, and I love this man more than I ever thought imaginable.  His love is deep and fierce and his family is so important to him and his loyalty runs so very deep.  He has barely left my side, even when I insist I'm in good hands, and he keeps stating, don't you remember our vows?  In sickness and in health!  Brings tears to my eyes just typing that.  He is such a good man, and I praise God for his divine hand in bringing us together!

That's all for now...may you too find peace from the Lord during times of uncertainty.  I'll write more later I promise!

Love,

Malia, Peter and LB

please continue to pray for Little Buddy's health...just that he continues to grow and that his heartbeat is strong and he continues to be active, and for Peter and I that we can grow in our love for each other and our love for the Lord.