My dearest Jack and Ryan,
You two have been my saving grace this past month, truly. It's
been so good for my heart to be able to care for you, to snuggle you, to have
you to come home to, to laugh with you, to cry with you, to just be with
you.
It was incredibly hard to be away from you for a week while I waited to be discharged and as I waited for my body to heal itself.
And I was so excited to come home to you, but the day after my coming home was pretty rough. Dada went off to work and it was just the three of us. And it was loud and chaotic and you both were seeking attention and energy from me, and I didn’t have the space or the capacity to give it to you. Pretty sure the afternoon ended in a lot of apologizing, and the second half of the day was much better!! Probably because Dada came to the rescue.
The days have gotten better as we’ve been able to spend more one on one time with each of you. And it’s been so fun to bring you to the hospital to see your baby brother. You guys talk to him and we read books to him and you tell him about our family. And you whisper to him just how much you love him.
Dada took a video of you both a few days ago asking you both various questions about Conor and what’s happening from your point of view and it was just beautiful to hear how you are digesting the information at your own levels in your own way.
If I’m honest, I think this experience has brought you both closer together, and I didn’t even know that was possible. In the midst of all of this, we transitioned Ryan out of the crib and into a bunk bed – talk about a huge bed change. He went from being in a tiny mini crib that was like the length of his body to a bed that’s like three times his body length! He looks so tiny in there. Honestly, it was a pretty easy transition even though Ryan did fall out a few times and even though he’s made his share of escapes. And the bedtime routine now involves finding creative ways for him to stay in his bed otherwise he just roams around the room.
I feel like you both have grown up right in front of my eyes these past few weeks as you enter into your new roles. Jack, you've stepped up even more as the oldest brother. And when I look at you now, I see the tiny baby you once were, so fragile and dependent, and I see you now so strong and independent, and it's beautiful. And Ryan, you are now a big brother, and the middle child, but you haven't fully grasped what that means exactly, and I look at you now and you seem so incredibly big, but you still have little remnants of your baby self that your body is holding on to. And when I look at you, I see the tiny baby you once were, but I also see the fully capable 3 year old in front of me. And then I look at Conor, and I think, now that's a teeny tiny baby!
And you both ask about baby brother all the time and when he's coming home to us. I wish I had an answer for you, but right now we wait, and we visit him when we can, and we acknowledge that God is the one writing Conor's story and we are the ones that get to share it. What an incredible honor and privilege it is! Can't wait to see your little brother in your arms and in our home.
I love you both so incredibly much and I'm so grateful God chose me to be your mama!
It was incredibly hard to be away from you for a week while I waited to be discharged and as I waited for my body to heal itself.
And I was so excited to come home to you, but the day after my coming home was pretty rough. Dada went off to work and it was just the three of us. And it was loud and chaotic and you both were seeking attention and energy from me, and I didn’t have the space or the capacity to give it to you. Pretty sure the afternoon ended in a lot of apologizing, and the second half of the day was much better!! Probably because Dada came to the rescue.
The days have gotten better as we’ve been able to spend more one on one time with each of you. And it’s been so fun to bring you to the hospital to see your baby brother. You guys talk to him and we read books to him and you tell him about our family. And you whisper to him just how much you love him.
Dada took a video of you both a few days ago asking you both various questions about Conor and what’s happening from your point of view and it was just beautiful to hear how you are digesting the information at your own levels in your own way.
If I’m honest, I think this experience has brought you both closer together, and I didn’t even know that was possible. In the midst of all of this, we transitioned Ryan out of the crib and into a bunk bed – talk about a huge bed change. He went from being in a tiny mini crib that was like the length of his body to a bed that’s like three times his body length! He looks so tiny in there. Honestly, it was a pretty easy transition even though Ryan did fall out a few times and even though he’s made his share of escapes. And the bedtime routine now involves finding creative ways for him to stay in his bed otherwise he just roams around the room.
I feel like you both have grown up right in front of my eyes these past few weeks as you enter into your new roles. Jack, you've stepped up even more as the oldest brother. And when I look at you now, I see the tiny baby you once were, so fragile and dependent, and I see you now so strong and independent, and it's beautiful. And Ryan, you are now a big brother, and the middle child, but you haven't fully grasped what that means exactly, and I look at you now and you seem so incredibly big, but you still have little remnants of your baby self that your body is holding on to. And when I look at you, I see the tiny baby you once were, but I also see the fully capable 3 year old in front of me. And then I look at Conor, and I think, now that's a teeny tiny baby!
And you both ask about baby brother all the time and when he's coming home to us. I wish I had an answer for you, but right now we wait, and we visit him when we can, and we acknowledge that God is the one writing Conor's story and we are the ones that get to share it. What an incredible honor and privilege it is! Can't wait to see your little brother in your arms and in our home.
I love you both so incredibly much and I'm so grateful God chose me to be your mama!
Love,
Mama
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