Happy {4th} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

As I put you to bed on the eve of your 4th birthday, I snuggled you and held you close and started telling you about your birth story and where I was 4 years ago as I eagerly awaited and anticipated your arrival. And I started weeping right there in your bed as I held you and relived it all. And you turned to me and said mama, I need to give you a hug and a kiss, and you placed your hands on each side of my face and kissed me and wrapped your little arms around me, and I just wept more. 

I just kept saying, it was just so beautiful and I feel so grateful for every single moment of it, especially now after Conor's birth story. And it feels incredibly surreal to have even experienced a glimpse of a relatively 'normal' delivery and birthing experience is like. I mean I was still hospitalized days prior to your arrival and I was induced, so there were alot of added things that some mamas don't experience. But I labored with you and experienced contractions and a vaginal delivery after a c-section and that feels like such an incredibly beautiful feat now. To think you were my only babe I held straight away, my only babe I breastfed straight away, my only babe that left the hospital when I left. It all feels so overwhelming to be honest, and I'm just so grateful for your story, but it all feels slightly painful as I had hoped Conor's story would be mroe like yours.  

I had hoped and prayed for a different story after Jack's, and just feel so grateful for your birth story. 

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Your story means something different to me now that I know it's my only one like this. And it feels so heavy and so good, and as I look at photos from that day 4 years ago, I see a brave and courageous woman who has tears streaming down her face from the pain. I can hear the worship music playing in the room and I can sense the anticipation as she awaits the unknown of your arrival, as she hopes for a new story. The space feels sacred and holy - all of it feels like an act of worship. Every contraction, every tear, every push an act of worship. 

And when i think about it all, I'm just filled wish such a deep, deep, deep sense of gratitude. What a privilege to have experienced this 'normal' birth experience. And it feels slightly painful as well, to think I'd hoped Conor's birth story would be more like yours than Jack's, to think this 'normal' birth experience begins and ends with you. 

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my middle child. Just yesterday you woke up a little too early for my liking, and you crawled into bed with me and you wouldn't stop talking. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I turned to you and said lovie, let's go back to bed, and you snuggled up next to me because you have to be like right next to me at all times, and you fell right back to sleep. Sometimes you just turn to me and kiss me and say I love you mama! You are a mamas boy and won't let dada do certain things because you want mama to do it. 

You are fierce and you are opinionated and you don't really take no for an answer! I've realized that you are my spirited child and sometimes it's easier to not fight you on the small things. So quite often, you wear your pjs to school drop off and yesterday you wore your pjs, your crocs, a hat and a scarf. It was so good, and you were so pleased with yourself. You're really opinionated about what you wear and you wore the same pjs every night for awhile there - good thing Jack had the same ones, so when yours were dirty you could wear his! 

We've learned alot about you this past year, and we've realized we have to give you the space to make your own decisions about things and you'll do it all in your own time, and if you wet your pants or your bed because you refuse to go potty, then so be it (in all honesty though, your bladder is insane and you can hold it for far longer than I'd like you to!), and if you are cold because you refused to put on a coat, then so be it, and if you refuse to get your shoes on, then you can't come. So this last year has really been reinforcing cause and effect and consequences, fun times for all! 

You want to do everything yourself and you LOVE helping me with anything and everything! You especially love baking, and anything that involves sugar. 

You started at a new preschool this year and you LOVE it so much. You'd go every single day if you could and you love talking about all your new friends. And your teacher is always talking about how you're such a cool dude! You walk into your classroom like you own the place, without so much as a backward glance. 

You are Mr. Independent, and you are completely indifferent to other's opinions of you. You are so use to being around people all the time that you'd prefer playing with someone over playing alone every time. And even when you are playing alone, you want to be like right next to me or you want my eyes on you. And when you're doing something you're not suppose to be doing or eating something I told you not to eat, you walk out of the room and say "nothing". It's so funny. Sometimes I have to hold back the laughter. 

Here's to 4 years Ryan Alexander! What a gift you are to our family and to this world!

Love,

Your Mama