A day in the Life

A day in the life.

This is what last Wednesday looked like. Obviously I omitted all my pumping sessions and the endless supply of pills I'm still taking! And the countless amount of prayers I'm uttering under my breath as I pray for patience for my boys and grace for myself as I'm just physically and emotionally exhausted. So this isn't quite a day in the life, but you'll get the gist of it and the wide range of emotions everyone is feeling in our house!

The morning started off with both boys crying about how they didn't want to go to school or their little friends house. I had arranged for Ryan to go play with his buddies he normally plays with on Monday and Thursdays for our nanny share, but he obviously wasn't having it. So he stayed with me that day. 

So this was the morning.

And then the boys decided to get into all their costume gear and Jack put on his flash mask and was carrying around the hairdryer like it was a gun. We don't have any guns in the house, no squirt guns even, but somehow the boys manage to turn all sorts of objects into a shooter. I don't even think they call it a gun, everything is a shooter with special shooting powers. And Jack sat on the front porch in this get up as he waited for his friend Noelle to pick him up for school! 

 And then Ryan and I finally made it to the hospital where we saw baby brother!

Ryan's actually been a great little buddy at the hospital to be honest. He normally sits and eats his food for the first hour or so, getting up from his chair to see baby brother and to talk to baby brother. We're trying to teach him that baby brother now has a real name and he can start calling him Conor, but he keeps deferring to baby brother! And then he'll look at his books, but eventually there comes a time when he starts walking aimlessly around the room, and he's even walked out the door, and it's about that time that I pull out the iPad and let him watch a little show or play ABC Mouse. He could sit there with that thing for hours!! So it's normally an ordeal when I tell him it's time to put it away and go home. And I don't think this day was any different. I think he had a major tantrum when I told him it was time to go and he needed to shut that thing down and say his goodbyes to baby brother.

And this is me, pretty pleased with myself for getting us out of Conor's room, but I'm pretty sure Ryan's refusing to get on the elevator! So this is also my tired face.

And then he wanted me to carry him and he refused to walk, but I somehow managed to get him to the 3rd floor, and down the hall. We had yet to make it to the main lobby area and down the escalator to the parking garage. But we were making progress.

And then he refused to follow me and proceeded to climb up these stairs once we got to the parking garage, that took him up to the street. I refused to go after him, and he refused to come down. And it was a standoff! I eventually won, probably after I threatened to leave him there and informed him that he'd have to walk home if he didn't come with me. Parenting this kid is no joke. Peter and I are constantly being tested by his strong will and downright stubborn demeanor. I get tired just thinking about this morning and how I'll probably be doing the exact same thing tomorrow!

And then on the way home I just started crying as I thought about once again leaving my babe in the hospital and how hard this journey was going to be for all of us, not just for me, and how hard it already was. And how hard it is to see my friends still pregnant and to see them with their full term babes in their arms, to hear of the way they had birthed their babies and how it was so different than the way I had birthed mine.

And Ryan was asleep in the backseat, so I decided to record my thoughts into words as I took this video to document the state of my heart.

Be warned, it's real and raw and I'm incredibly vulnerable in it.

And that night, after I wrangled the kids to bed on my own, as Peter works at the pizza shop on Wednesdays, I lit my Remember glassy baby as I remembered Conor and the babe we had lost!

And then I went to bed, only after I had cleaned up the house, done the dishes, swept the floor, and pumped one last time. 

And then I woke up and did it more or less all over again!

A Day in the Life.

It was just an ordinary day. A day where my sleep was disturbed and my patience was tested, but a beautiful one nonetheless.

It began at 12:30 AM with Ryan crying. Changed his diaper, Peter sucked the snot out of his nose, and then it was time to eat.

Perused the Internet. Read some articles I'd been wanting to read. Scrolled through the latest status updates on Facebook. Put Ryan back in his bed at 1:00 AM. And I fell back to sleep.

Woke up at 3:45 AM to Ryan crying. Sucked the snot out of his nose and then it was time to eat.

Pulled out my book and a little flashlight to read a few pages in my book. Put Ryan back in his bed at 4:15 AM. And I fell back to sleep.

Woke up at 5:30 to Ryan crying. Couldn't figure out why he was crying. I had fed him just a few hours ago. He sounded congested. Sucked the snot out of his nose and fed him. Put him back in his bed at 6:00 AM. And I fell back to sleep.

Woke up to the sound of our door opening. It was 7:05 AM. Jack sauntered over to my side of the bed and was so smiley and happy and hungry.

And I went to pick him up and his pjs were wet. And he had peed through his disposable diaper, through his clothes and onto his bed sheet. Poor guy!

Changed his diaper and got him dressed and made him some eggs and bacon for breakfast.

And then Ryan started crying. Changed his diaper, sucked out the snot, got him dressed, and crawled back into bed to feed the little person.

Peter cleaned up Jack and his breakfast mess and left for work around 8:30 AM.

Ryan took a short nap and I fed Jack a snack. 

Eventually, I made myself a cup of coffee, got myself dressed and made myself some oatmeal for breakfast. Jack had a second breakfast - a bowl of oatmeal and he proceeded to eat some of mine as well. 

I packed the diaper bag full of diapers, clothes, snacks, cars and a book to take to the Dr's office as Ryan had an appointment at 10:50 AM.

Finally got both boys into the car and buckled into their car seats.

Parked the car. Strapped Ryan to my body and put the diaper bag on my back and grabbed Jack's little hand and we were off. 

Arrived to Dr's office a few minutes late. Jack was a dream just sitting in the little person chair while eating his snack or looking through his book or playing with his cars. He had a few restless moments, but nothing I couldn't handle. The nurse was so kind, and we finally got to see our normal pediatrician! Love her. She reminded me of the conversation we had at the hospital the day after Ryan was born. I had said something to her about how I didn't know what to do with a full term baby - I mean they were just going to let us take him home? She said she wanted to write me a perscription for a spa day and said she was in awe at the way I was handling this. I was silent. I never know what to say when people say stuff like that, but I wish I would have said God has given me peace about all of this and I'm just so thankful for a baby this is alive even if he isn't well. 



They weighed Ryan, checked his oxygen levels, and sent us on our way after 1.5 hours. Strapped Ryan to me, put the diaper bag on my bag, and grabbed Jack's hand. And walked to car. Buckled them both into their car seats and drove on home.

Got home. Grabbed the diaper bag, Ryan and Jack. Jack had fallen asleep in the car, and I attempted to transfer him, but he woke up. He peed through his pants, so I took his pants off and discovered he had a poopy diaper. Changed his diaper, put some new pants on him. And the nap time fight began. He finally fell asleep around 1 PM.

Meanwhile Ryan was crying. He was hungry. So I fed him. And he fell asleep around 1:30 PM.

I got myself something to eat, began an episode of the Bachelor, read a book, and wrote a little for a blog post.

Jack woke up around 2:45/3 PM - this was a really LONG nap. He normally naps for 1.5 hours or sometimes just an hour. Fed Jack a snack. Started a load of laundry, emptied the dishwasher, and started thinking about dinner.

Jack played with his cars. I fed Ryan again, watched a bit more of the Bachelor, and started making dinner.

Around 5:30 PM Peter came home, Ryan woke up from another nap. I fed Ryan and put Peter in charge of the dinner in the oven. He played with Jack, we ate dinner, gave Jack a bath, got both boys ready for bed, cleaned up dishes, started another load of laundry.

And somewhere in there, I fed Ryan and rocked him to sleep while I sang Jesus loves You. Then Jack came into the room and wanted me to rock him and sing to him and he requested his blankie. Rocked that sweet boy and ran my hands through his hair as his cheek brushed mine. And I just thought, this is the life.

Brought Jack into his room, tucked him under his covers, patted his back, and left the room. And before I knew it Jack was at his door, crying for us. Peter went into his room, patted his back and left the room. And Jack wasn't too thrilled about that. So then I gave it a go and patted his back and sang him songs and left the room. And he was silent. Success!

And just when one fell asleep, the other one woke up. Peter rocked Ryan back to sleep. I took a shower. Finished the rest of the dishes and started folding some laundry!

And now it's 9:45 PM. And I'm hungry and exhausted. So I'll have a little snack and eventually crawl into bed, but only after I change Ryan's diaper, suck out his snot and feed him.

This is my life right now. And as tiring as it is sometimes, I really do love it!