Sweaty Palms.

I have started to realize over the years just what it is I am passionate about...and it really is anything having to do with injustice.  It can take many shapes and so many forms.  But it is injustice that makes my blood boil and my palms sweat.

I had one of those sweaty palm, blood boiling moments a few nights ago while sitting in the living room with my Irish family.  I have no idea what the TV show was that we were watching, but all I know is that my palms were sweating and my heart was starting to race.  And I was getting worked up over one little bit in the show where these two white, Irish men impersonate two young, Japanese girls who are getting excited to meet some mediocre Irish soap star?  Can't even remember if I have the story line right!   As I was watching this impersonation take place and the stereotypes take hold I couldn't help but think what real Japanese people would have to say about all of this.  My heart started to race.  My palms started to sweat.  I was having a hard time breathing...I know it all sounds soo silly but sometimes my body gets ahead of my thoughts.

I have no idea what exactly I said to start the conversation off, but I said something to imply that I was offended by the show, especially by that last little bit.  In that moment, I found myself thinking about all the people in my life who have faced injustice - and those who have spent a lot of their life combatting the stereotypes that are placed upon them.  And I wanted to cry at the injustice of the injustice...and so I did.  And an interesting conversation ensued from this whole fiasco.

But I went to bed thinking...don't you just hate your passions sometimes.  Sometimes I get so worked up and my heart starts racing and I know I have to SAY something or DO something, and I really don't want to.  Sometimes I just wish I could calm myself down and ignore my sweaty palms and the anger that is welling up inside me, but I just can't.  Sometimes I really wish I could turn the other cheek and move on with my life and keep my thoughts all to myself, but my heart betrays me and it keeps beating faster and faster and faster until I know I have to respond.

And sometimes I wish I could wish my passions away.  I wish I could wish away that fast heart rate, the sweating of the palms, the shaky voice, the tears, the fear of being the "other" - but it comes on sooo strong and I just don't have time to wish it away.  And before I know it, I am speaking my heart - or trying to put the feelings that are so heavy upon my heart into words that people may actually listen to and possibly understand.  

I have had my fair share of sweaty palm moments and I feel as though they happen ALL THE TIME -  realistically they don't happen all the time - but they are the moments I remember the most because they are so vividly and so permanently etched upon my heart forever that it might as well feel like all the time!!  If I close my eyes and imagine the situation, the people, the smells, the joy, the pain - I just might be able to recapture my own emotions within that moment which ultimately ends up making my blood boil and my palms sweat.

One moment takes me to the back of a bus where a bunch of boys were teasing one of their "friends" - I happened to have a bit of insight into the situation and the relationship between all the boys and I knew that the banter was not friendly.  The boys may have said it was...but the comments STUNG...even ME and they weren't even directed at me.  And it literally broke my heart into so many small pieces to see the way they were tearing into one of their "friends" - and my tolerance for it lasted a total of 2 minutes (if that!!).  And my blood started to boil and my palms started to sweat and before I knew it I was demoting myself on the people they liked list with every single world I uttered.

It is terrifying speaking up and speaking out against injustice whatever the shape or the form, and I for one absolutely HATE feeling like the other!  I hate feeling like my heart and my thoughts may be different than others.  I hate feeling like I am offending others simply by speaking my heart, but I feel the Lord has called me to stand up for those who are not able to stand on their own.  Sometimes, or maybe if I am honest I should say ALWAYS, I am reluctant to this calling upon my life because it is HARD.

And as Peter prayed for me that night he prayed for strength to be a strong light in the darkness - to be a loud voice among the silent - and all I could do was shake my head while saying "NOT ME!!..please not me!  I don't want to be this...I never asked to be that person that speaks on behalf of the marginalized...pick someone else please because it's so hard sometimes...it so hard to feel everything for everyone all the time."

And my prayer is that my spirit is willing, even when it feels so weak and so reluctant.  And for now I embrace the blood boiling, sweaty palm moments, and I am thankful that my friends and my family, esp. Peter, love me, listen to me, and support me through the sweaty palms, the tears and the passion.

so tell me...What makes your blood boil and your palms sweat??  What are you passionate about?