Happiness Project Part 2.

So as I wrote HERE - I am reading this book called the Happiness Project.  It is interesting...but if I am completely honest I am definitely skimming through bits.  Each chapter is a different month and each month she has set various goals for herself.  So within each chapter she writes about achieving those goals. 

And I just finished the book, and wanted to share one of my favorite bits with those who read this thing!

So one of my favorite months in the book was April - her goal was to lighten up, especially in the realm of parenting.  Now I don't have kids...but I must say I found her thoughts to be extremely insightful.  So read on if you are interested...

So for the month of April she was going to attempt to lighten up by singing in the morning, acknowledging the reality of people's feelings (mainly her children), being a treasure house of happy memories, and taking time for projects.

I loved her idea of singing in the morning to wake up her girls or making up silly renditions of songs, but my favorite part of this month was her desire to acknowledge the reality of people's feelings.

Within this section, she writes,  "As part of my research for the month, I reread, for the fourth time, the collected works of the world's greatest parenting experts, Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and in particular their two masterpieces, Siblings without Rivalry and How to talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will talk...what's different about their books is that they're packed with practical examples and advice.  So many parenting books belabor the argument about the importance of goals - as if anyone is disputing that children should be well behaved, respectful...and so on.  Fine, but what do you do when your child throws a tantrum in the cereal aisle?"

(I have quite often wondered this myself... what do you do when that child throws that tantrum??  Some have been known to grab their child and offer up a spanking or a fierce grab of the arm, or some have even been known to offer a fierce and embarrassing scolding, which then just makes the child cry harder or the tantrum slightly more obnoxious, which ultimately leaves me, an innocent bystander, slightly irate and frustrated.  Don't get me wrong some have been known for their softer, less violent techniques, but it appears I am rarely the bystander for these types.  And I can't help but wonder "What the heck would I do if my child was being obnoxious and rolling around on the floor with their feet in the air and their voice an octave higher?")

So she goes on to say..."The most important lesson from F and M's books is simple and as applicable to adults as to children: we should acknowledge the reality of people's feelings.  In other words, don't deny feelings such as anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance; instead, articulate the feeling and the other person's point of view.  Sounds simple, right?  Wrong.  I had no idea how often I contradicted my children's assertions of their feelings until I tried to quit.  Too often, I said things like "You're not afraid of clowns," "You can't possibly want more Lego's, you never play with the ones you have," "You're not hungry, you just ate."

(Sound familiar???  Like I said before...I don't even have kids, but I know I do this even with my husband!)


And then she finishes her thoughts by saying, "Crazily enough, I discovered, just repeating what my child was saying, to show that I appreciated her point of view, was often enough to bring peace.  Instead of saying to Eleanor, "Don't whine, you love to take a bath!"  I said, "You're having fun playing.  You don't want to take a bath now, even though it's time."  This strategy was astoundingly effective - which suggested to me that much of children's frustration comes not from being forced to do this or that but rather from the sheer fact that they're being ignored."

(Gosh this bit just made total sense to me...I mean we ALL Want to be heard regardless of our age.  Sometimes when I share things with Peter, I will ask him to repeat my main points back to me so that I know for sure he was actually listening.  Sounds like a test huh?? Well I suppose it is...but then again I think it just comes down to the fact that I want to be heard and when he repeats bits back to me, he is simply acknowledging my feelings and my thoughts.)

And then to finish it all off she mentions some strategies she used to help show her children that she was acknowledging their feelings....

1.  write it down.  "for some reason the simple act of writing something down makes a big impression on my children.  To restore peace, it can be enough to whip out pen and paper and announce, "I'm going to write that down. 'Eleanor does not like to wear snow boots!'"

2.  Don't feel as if I have to say anything.  "Eliza can be a bit of a sulker.  Sometimes I pull her onto my lap and cuddle her for five minutes."

3.  Don't say "no" or "stop."  "Instead, I try to give information that shows that although I understand their desire, I have a reason for not granting it:  "You'd like to stay, but we have to go home because Daddy forgot his keys."  Studies show that 85 percent of adult messages to children are negative - "no," "stop," "don't" - so it's wroth trying to keep that to a minimum.

4.  Wave my magic wand.

5.  Admit that a task is difficult.  "Studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they've been told are difficult as opposed to easy.  I'd been doing the opposite with Eleanor.  Thinking I was being encouraging, I'd say, "It's not tough to pull of your socks, just give it a try."  I switched to saying things such as "Socks can be tough to get off.  Sometimes it helps to push down the back part over your ankle, instead of pulling on the toe."

(So there ya have it folks...one of my favorite bits from the book is of course about parenting.  And let's be honest, I am excited to be a parent one day!  I just hope I can remember half the things she writes about and when I am in it, I hope I remember that "the days are long, but the years are short.")