And the search goes on...

Well as many of you know I have spent the past 6 months applying for jobs, updating the resume, redoing the cover letter, interviewing for some, only to find myself in the same job 6 months later.  It has all been such a process and I truly feel as though at times it consumes me.

For instance, Friday night, I pretty much locked myself in our bedroom until I had applied for a few positions - some at UW and a few others at Fred Hutch.  And when all was said and done, I proudly proclaimed to Peter, "I just finished applying for 8 jobs!"  So that just goes to show you that I have truly applied for ALOT of jobs.  I kind of wish I had been keeping track of the sheer number of emails I have sent, the resumes I have sent, and the cover letters I have rewritten.

But what good is a number really?  It would probably just serve as a reminder to how terrible the job market truly is right now and how many people I am competing with for even an entry level position.  Plus, it's the interviews that count right, but if I was to put a number on it, I would have to say that I have applied for 75+ jobs, and I have had 5 interviews and 0 offers.

If I am honest, it has been a huge hit to my self-esteem and there have been some pretty rough moments where I just feel really down on myself.  I just keep waiting for my break, for my chance, for my prayers to be answered.  I cry out to the Lord...how much longer must I wait? How patient must I be?  How much more must I take?  And I hear His soft reply..."Wait...just a little longer....I am preparing the way for you...be still and know that I am God...I have plans for you, but they just haven't been revealed to you ..just YET!"

And if I am honest, I find hope in this reply, but the discontentment remains.  And the bottom line is still the same...I know with my entire being that I am to step into a new job, but which one and when?   I wish I had all the answers ....like RIGHT NOW!  But then again how boring would life be if we knew exactly how it was going to play out right?

So I had a job interview scheduled for yesterday, but I actually ended up canceling it.  Sounds a little crazy huh?  I mean I hadn't even had the interview yet...I wasn't even offered the job, but still I knew it wasn't right.  I had been praying about it all weekend and something about it just wasn't sitting right with me.  I felt sick to my stomach and I truly didn't know what to do.  But I knew with my entire being that it wasn't what God intended for me.  And I think the stomach ache, the unsettled feelings...I think all of it was His way of telling me to WAIT for Him.

So I am doing just that...and I contacted the woman who would be interviewing me and simply told her that I didn't feel it was the best fit for me and I wanted to honor that and not waste any more of her time! I expressed my sincerest apologies because I truly did feel horrible.  I mean who cancels an interview??  And she wrote back that she hopes I find something that truly excites me.

And the thing is...She took the words right out of my mouth.  I mentioned nothing about the lack of job excitement in my email, but I had been telling people about the interview and my lack of excitement for the interview...and the job itself.  And I just felt her words in her email simply confirmed my decision.  She is right...I want to find something that EXCITES ME...something that uses my gifts and my talents to the max...something I look forward to each and every day.

And it is hard...this waiting.  But even during my lowest moments when I am kicking and screaming, angry and hurt, and so tired of waiting on the Lord...I pick myself up off the floor, stand up nice and tall, and with tears streaming down my face and a little bit of reluctance in my heart, I turn my eyes to Heaven.

And I continue to live.  I continue to love.  I continue to have faith.  And ultimately, I continue the job search.  So folks, the search goes on..