NICU Stays run in the Family

To My sweet, sweet Ryan,

As I type this you are in the NICU at Children's hospital. I can't believe this is happening again. It seems so surreal.

I haven't even gotten around to posting your birth story or your brother's two year post, but I couldn't let this moment pass me by.

On your 4 week birthday you were admitted to children's hospital as you had a terrible cough and were having some trouble breathing.

Your nose was so stuffy and you had been sleeping pretty much all day and eating so little. And when you coughed I would panic seeing as it was hard to get you to stop coughing once you started.

I knew something wasn't right, so I called the pediatrician's office yet again for the third time over the past few days. And the receptionist heard you coughing and said bring him in ...be here by 2:10. It was 1:30.

I automatically called Peter and cried. I knew something was wrong and I told Peter that we were on our way to the Dr's office and we would most likely be going to children's.

I knew.

Call it mama instinct, intuition, whatever, but I knew where this appointment with the Dr. would eventually lead us.

You would think then that I would have put a jacket on or that I would have packed some food considering I hadn't eaten since breakfast, but all I could think about was getting that baby to the Dr.

And once there, and once she saw your coughing fits, I knew she was concerned for your oxygen levels.

So on to the emergency services area of Children's we went. And I called your grandparents (my parents) on the way to the hospital and I held it together when talking to your grandpa (my dad), but as soon as I heard grandma's voice (my mom's), I just lost it. I couldn't believe this was happening again. I knew he was going to be just fine, but it just felt so unfair that we would have to go through all of this again.

And the tears continued as I hung up the phone with her and I could see your dad looking at me in his review mirror as we were in separate cars and that just made me cry even harder!

Once there, they hooked you up to monitors and stuck an iv into your little foot. And examined you and flushed out your sinuses. And you cried and coughed and coughed some more, and I just watched stunned that this was all happening again. It felt so surreal and I think I was a little in shock.

I held it all together for a few hours, and then when they put the oxygen thing on you and after too many hours of hearing you cough and feeling so helpless, I lost it. Your dad and I just looked at each other with tears in our eyes, and just held hands, and cried.

There's nothing quite like watching your baby be poked and prodded by Dr's and nurses as he coughs his head off. I just wanted to reach out and touch you and comfort you and stroke your head and hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings into your ears.

And eventually I did, but still. It's not quite the same. This I know. It's not quite the same as holding you free of all the cords. And when they told me I wouldn't be able to breastfeed you, that I would again need to pump, that they would most likely be feeding you through a feeding tube, the tears streamed down my cheeks again. I should have known this, I should have expected this, but I didn't even think about it.

And here I thought, since you were my full term, vaginal birth baby boy, the one I brought home from the hospital the day after he was born, I think I thought you were immune to NICU stays and getting sick. But alas, turns out you have bronchilitis and RSV. And guess who was diagnosed with bronchitis last week...this mama!

Anyways, my heart literally breaks when I think about you there. You are in such good hands and being taken care of, and this brings me peace. But we miss you.

Your bed was empty last night and so were my arms.

You would think I'd be use to that...or that I would be able to accept it...or that it would be easy for me since I've been through this before, but let me tell you...it's not.

And it feels like deja vu...different year, different NICU, different child. 

But as your grandma said (Peter's mom)...It's the same God! And may I never forget the truth behind those words.

It is the same God. He is always there in every situation.

And this we know. As He has shown himself in so many ways through our community or rather our little village because let me tell you it does take a village! The love and support and words of encouragement and meals and people wanting to help has been simply overwhelming and brings me to tears when I think about how incredibly blessed our family is.

You my sweet boy are so deeply loved not only by your Creator but also by your village!

And yes, I just keep thinking WHY God? Why do we have to go through this again? This feels so unfair. Why does this have to be so hard? Why do these children of ours...oops I mean yours have to have NICU stays? Why do you have to remind us time and time again that these children aren't ours rather that they are yours?

And why is it so easy to forget who you belong to? It's so easy for me to try to control the situation and to try to hold on tight to my ownership over you.

However, true freedom comes in the letting go, in the releasing of. And I release you to the Lord, Ryan...every day, every moment, every breathe I release to Him.

And I'm counting down the days till you are in our home again. Your big brother misses you.

We love you so much!

Now to get your little brother in the car so this mama can have some snuggle time with you before the sun goes down!

xoxo,

Mom