A Faint Line

So I took a pregnancy test the day we arrived home from Ireland.

And there was a faint second line.

Again, I just knew. All my dreams that I'd had for the past few months, of having another boy or another girl, all that I had hoped for had come to fruition and was showing up as a faint line on a pregnancy test.

Could it really be true? Could it really have happened this fast? The first month we tried after we were able to, right before we left for Ireland?

I was reluctant to believe it, my period was just like a day late. So you better believe I took multiple tests a day until it was officially confirmed. And then my heart broke a little when I thought back to my last positive pregnancy test and the baby I will never meet this side of Heaven.

It's hard to straddle the fear that I may not carry this baby to term and the hope that I will, but in the midst of all my emotions, I trust the Lord and I trust His story. I trust it is good even when it causes grief and heartache because I know and believe suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope (Romans 5).

And it's been two weeks, and we haven't told family or friends. It's been like our little secret that we've held tightly to. And I think back to last time, and how we gladly shouted the news from the rooftops to family and friends, and how we told Jack. I think back to the photos and the videos we took, and the video I took of Jack, and his sheer joy, and then I think back to how he processed the miscarriage at the tender age of 4.

And my heart aches at the pain, at the memories, at the strong, strong desire to have another baby, at the hope that lies within that faint line on that pregnancy test.

And I find myself crying out to the Lord and pleading to Him.

Please Lord, let me hold this baby in my arms.

Please don't take this one from me.

Please Lord, let the nausea wash over me, let the tiredness overtake me.

Please Lord, let that heart beat loud and strong.

Please Lord, let my body swell with the growth of the baby.

Please Lord, let this be the baby that completes our family.

And yet in that same pleading breath, Lord I trust you.

I surrender all to you.

This baby is yours, have your way with him.

Use me, use my story and my life, and this baby, to glorify you.

And Baby Drennan no. 4, I love you! I hope and pray I get the privilege of feeling the weight of your little body in my arms, but I hope and pray you always feel the weight of the Father's arms.