January 5, 2018

Birthday Eve - Letter to Jack

Hi Sweet Boy,

And your birthday is tomorrow. I've felt so nostalgic all week. But let's be honest, I think I just feel nostalgic all of December as I think back to all the anticipating and awaiting with your arrival and your brothers arrival. December always feels like such a big month in our family.

And as I put you to bed tonight and tucked you into your blankets, you turned to me and said mama, I don't sit in the rocking chair anymore because I'm a big boy. And I said, but you could lovie, you're always welcome in that rocking chair. And my heart broke a little. How in the world have I been a mom for five years? And how in the world are you so big?

Five years ago on this day I had been in the hospital for six days, six days too long and we were awaiting answers, and ultimately awaiting your birth. We had no idea what or just who awaited us.




We had planned to go to Ireland that Christmas, tickets were booked, and the day before we were scheduled to fly out the Dr. told us to cancel our flights as he was concerned for your growth. So we followed the Drs. orders, but rather reluctantly. I was devastated.

And when I was reading this Drennan Family Update post I could just remember all the emotions. I could remember the tears streaming down my face. I could remember the ugly crying, the body shaking, uncontrollable sobbing that took over my body in that car ride home from the hospital. I can remember just how unjust and unfair it all felt. And even now, five years later, the tears stream down my face as I remember that woman.

And yet, we had no idea just what or who awaited us.

Then fast forward a few weeks, and I show up for a Drs appointment on New Years only to have them admit me. My blood pressure was high and they wanted to change my medication, so they put me in a wheelchair and sent me upstairs. Happy New Years to us right? I was hoping they'd eventually send me home. But alas, they didn't.

And like I said, this day five years ago, I'd been in the hospital six days, six days longer than I'd ever envisioned I'd be. No one anticipates being in the hospital that long BEFORE their baby arrives. I never envisioned I'd become so familiar with the anti-partum unit nor did I imagine just what it would mean to deliver at UW, let's just say lots of monitoring and assessing and lots of intervention. But good Lord do they have the most beautiful NICU with the most incredible staff! And little did I know just how soon we'd be needing that NICU and that staff as we had no idea what awaited us.

The reality is, we truly had no idea what awaited us. We had no idea your birthday would be tomorrow, as so many things were uncertain. And I can't believe it's been five years since all of this went down. In some ways it feels fresh and in others it feels like such a distant memory. And as I think back on all of this, on all that we went through leading up to your arrival, I just think, what an incredible story already, and you weren't even out of the womb yet, the best had yet to come. What an incredible story of faith and resilience, of trusting in the Lord and in His goodness, of letting go and letting God. I can look at the situation now and say, we had no idea what awaited us, but God did and His hand was always in it, teaching us lesson after beautiful lesson. And I'm so thankful this is part of your story!

I love you so much and I can't wait to celebrate you tomorrow!!

Love,


Mama

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