Happy {5th} Birthday Jack!

(Year 1 // 2 // 3 // 4)

 Dear Jack,

Your birthday was a few weeks ago, and I can't believe you are five years old. And as I tucked you into bed on your birthday, I prayed over you and just thanked God for those five years as the tears streamed down my face.

I can't believe you've been outside of the womb and in my arms for five years now. Five whole years - that feels so incredibly long. And I just keep thinking, we've had more years with you than some parents have had with their kids and that feels wild and so surreal. It makes me think about the baby we lost, the one we won't meet this side of Heaven, and I'm just so grateful for each day with you. It is all such a gift, to have carried you in my womb, to have held you in my arms, to have cared for you and kissed you and loved you.

And naturally on your birthday, I spent some time reading over your birth story (Part one and Part two) and looking back at old photos. And as I look at your five year old self, all of that feels like a lifetime ago, and I just think wow, what a story!

And with each passing year, I feel more and more removed from that story, from the weeks leading up to your birth and the weeks following it. Yet, as I read over my own words tonight and looked at photos, and thought about the time leading up to your arrival and the days after your arrival, my heart broke. And yes, your story is a beautiful one, but it's one I wouldn't wish on anyone.  As it's just so painful and hard.

I could hear my voice. I could sense my pain. I could hear my cries. I could close my eyes and be taken back to that day of your birth when I was throwing up all day and the nurses thought I had the flu, but turns out that's just how my body was responding to the contractions. Turns out I was 2.5 centimeters dilated at 33 weeks pregnant. And I remember just being tired of being in the hospital, I had been there 6 days too long, and I was done and I wanted to go home. Nothing had gone as I had hoped it would, and here we were on a Sunday night, just waiting. And your hear rate was dropping and you weren't able to withstand the contractions, so they came in to tell me it was go time. And I remember turning to the Dr. and just saying, we're going to have a baby, this is a really big deal, and the truth is, having a baby is a really big deal regardless of their entrance into the world!!

And yes, your entrance may have been a dramatic one, and your NICU stay was definitely hard on our souls and our spirits, and leaving the hospital for 20 days without you in our arms was for sure hard and yes I'd cry like every night as I just wanted you home with us, but eventually we DID take you home from the hospital and you are alive and well and for that we are so thankful!

And I find with each passing year, I'd rather reflect on who you are, than reminisce about your birth story. The truth is, as soon as that faint line appeared on that pregnancy test, I started dreaming about who you would look like, who you might be, who you would become, how long I'd be able to witness this life of yours. And this past year, I've been reminded just how precious life is, how our days are numbered, and we have no idea just how much time we'll have together. I have no idea if I'll live long enough to see you achieve various milestones, like get your drivers license, or graduate from highschool, maybe college, travel the world, get married, have children, achieve some of your dreams, etc. And I have no idea if you'll live long enough to achieve those milestones, but what I do know is that I cherish each day with you and being able to watch you grow and experience the world right before my very eyes is pure magic.

You are pure magic Jack, and I just delight in you.

And I look at the photos of your tiny 4 lb self and then admire the giant 5 year old before me,  and it's all such a gift, witnessing your growth and transformation is the most beautiful gift.

Through you God has taught me so much about letting go and letting God, in realizing nothing may go as I had planned, but in the end trusting that He is still good.

My son, I love you dearly, and lately I just find myself sitting back and just watching you. Tonight, Ryan asked me to turn music on, so he danced around the living room, while you ran back and forth playing superheroes by yourself and making super power noises. And I just sit back and watch you as I drop you off at preschool, and you stuff your bag into a cubby and give me a quick hug and run off to play with your friends. I admire the way you just engage with a situation and a new environment whether that's at the gym, or at a new school, or with new friends. You're just fully in it and you love being around people and being on the go.

But you also love your down time, and ask for space alone and just time to decompress and sit and quietly read a book. I love that you already know this about yourself at 5 - that you know what you need and you have the words to express it. You are exceptionally inquisitive and curious and you love to ask questions - I love this about you!

I love the way you love your brother and watching you two interact together brings me so much joy. Last night we asked you a few questions and one of them was what's your favorite thing about Ryan, and you replied cause he laughs so hard! And no one makes him laugh harder than you Jack Emmet, truly, but I suppose in that breath, no one makes him cry more than you too haha!!

And I wish I could record all the conversations we have, like the one we had lately with your friend Noelle about girls and getting married. You were talking about some girls in your class and said I'm going to marry so and so, and I said well the girl gets a say in all this as well you know. You don't just get to pick, she chooses you as well. Or the conversation we've had about you never moving out, how you're just going to build a tree house in the backyard and live there with your family and your dog. Or the nightly play by play of your day.

I love how in those 5 years of your life, I have come to know you, to know what you like, to know what you need, to anticipate a request before the words even make it out of your mouth. You love make believe and super heros and super powers and lego and building all sorts of things and you'd like to be a builder someday! My child, I could see that happening as you always ask about the creater behind something and who built this item or that object.

You are such a great little buddy, and you listen well and you love helping with things around the house and being given little responsibities, like putting things away or cleaning or dusting or setting the table or doing the dishes. It's the cutest thing as I watch you putting napkins and silverware on the table, and all the sauces we have in the fridge, even though I know we won't use any of them!

Jack Emmet, I need you to know that God has used you in such a powerful way to refine me. And I had no idea just how much refining needed to happen within my soul and spirit. These past five years have been filled with letting go and extending grace to myself and to you, and just slowing down. My desire is to know you and to be known by you, and for you to see the Lord's goodness and love for you reflected in the way I speak to you and in the way I care for you and in the way I love you and set you free!

 I'm so grateful for the privilege it is to raise you.

I love you so much,

Mama

Dear Jack {thoughts on preschool}

Dearest Jack,

It's a Monday and a holiday (wrote this weeks ago), so your school is closed and you're home with Ryan and I today! I love having you home with me.

We signed you up for a four day a week all day preschool which started in September, when we were under the assumption that a baby would be joining our family in February. I figured it would be nice for you to have something to do and somewhere to go while I held down the fort with a newborn and your 3 year old brother, but turns out a new baby won't be joining our family till the summer.

And my son, I cherish the days we have with you....I know Ryan does too.

You just went back to school after Winter break and it was hard for me to transition back to not having you around with us during the week. I know Ryan really missed his fellow fort maker, lego builder, and bike riding buddy because let's be real, I'm not really on the same playmate level as you are!

And it's eye opening for me to realize too that this is just the beginning of your years of school, of you not being in our home during the day five days a week. How is it possible that we've reached this point in your life? This point where we truly set you free out into the world, where you're meeting and making new friends whose parents I don't already know! It's exciting and just a little bit terrifying at the same time.

And I was nervous for this all to begin, for you to be there four days a week from 8:45 to 3:15, just like a regular school day, but you have transitioned so beautifully that it's made the trasition so easy on me. Your first day of school you just walked right into the room, put your bag away and just fully entered into the space and it was the first drop off at a new place that was just seamless. I remember thinking really, that was far too easy?? Doesn't he want like one more hug? Or maybe one more kiss? Does he realize I'm not coming back for awhile? But the truth is, I'm sure the day felt short to you as it's only 6.5 hours from drop off to pick up and it use to be like 9 hours at your old schools.

Just last week, I dropped you off a little late, and you walked into the room and the teacher and all your little buddies were calling your name and you dashed over to them with a coy little smile on your face before you even put your things away. And it was beautiful to witness.

And I just stood there thinking this is it, this is me letting you go again and again and again and again, setting you free into this world...to fly. I pray the world is kind to you and I pray you are kind to the world. I pray you are strong, brave and courageous and that your voice is loud. I pray that you never forget who you are and whose you are and that you can stand in the full confidence of who God created you to be and that you will stand firm in that regardless of what the world tells you.

And may you never forget just how deeply you are loved.

Love you my son,

Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Jack

Hi Sweet Boy,

And your birthday is tomorrow. I've felt so nostalgic all week. But let's be honest, I think I just feel nostalgic all of December as I think back to all the anticipating and awaiting with your arrival and your brothers arrival. December always feels like such a big month in our family.

And as I put you to bed tonight and tucked you into your blankets, you turned to me and said mama, I don't sit in the rocking chair anymore because I'm a big boy. And I said, but you could lovie, you're always welcome in that rocking chair. And my heart broke a little. How in the world have I been a mom for five years? And how in the world are you so big?

Five years ago on this day I had been in the hospital for six days, six days too long and we were awaiting answers, and ultimately awaiting your birth. We had no idea what or just who awaited us.




We had planned to go to Ireland that Christmas, tickets were booked, and the day before we were scheduled to fly out the Dr. told us to cancel our flights as he was concerned for your growth. So we followed the Drs. orders, but rather reluctantly. I was devastated.

And when I was reading this Drennan Family Update post I could just remember all the emotions. I could remember the tears streaming down my face. I could remember the ugly crying, the body shaking, uncontrollable sobbing that took over my body in that car ride home from the hospital. I can remember just how unjust and unfair it all felt. And even now, five years later, the tears stream down my face as I remember that woman.

And yet, we had no idea just what or who awaited us.

Then fast forward a few weeks, and I show up for a Drs appointment on New Years only to have them admit me. My blood pressure was high and they wanted to change my medication, so they put me in a wheelchair and sent me upstairs. Happy New Years to us right? I was hoping they'd eventually send me home. But alas, they didn't.

And like I said, this day five years ago, I'd been in the hospital six days, six days longer than I'd ever envisioned I'd be. No one anticipates being in the hospital that long BEFORE their baby arrives. I never envisioned I'd become so familiar with the anti-partum unit nor did I imagine just what it would mean to deliver at UW, let's just say lots of monitoring and assessing and lots of intervention. But good Lord do they have the most beautiful NICU with the most incredible staff! And little did I know just how soon we'd be needing that NICU and that staff as we had no idea what awaited us.

The reality is, we truly had no idea what awaited us. We had no idea your birthday would be tomorrow, as so many things were uncertain. And I can't believe it's been five years since all of this went down. In some ways it feels fresh and in others it feels like such a distant memory. And as I think back on all of this, on all that we went through leading up to your arrival, I just think, what an incredible story already, and you weren't even out of the womb yet, the best had yet to come. What an incredible story of faith and resilience, of trusting in the Lord and in His goodness, of letting go and letting God. I can look at the situation now and say, we had no idea what awaited us, but God did and His hand was always in it, teaching us lesson after beautiful lesson. And I'm so thankful this is part of your story!

I love you so much and I can't wait to celebrate you tomorrow!!

Love,


Mama

Dear Jack {4.75 years}

Hi sweet boy,

I've just been thinking about you alot lately, and who you are, and wanted to write a little note to let you know just how proud I am of you!

You started at a new school 2 months ago, and you're there 4 days a week, and it's like a true school day, starting at 8:45 and ending at 3:15. And I was hesitant to sign you up for 4 days a week as the thought of not having those days with you broke my heart a little bit. And next year you'll be in Kindegarten 5 days a week, which feels like alot, but in all honesty, it's been a beautiful transition for you. And it was the first time I've dropped you off at a new school and you didn't shed a tear. It probably helps that one of your dearest friends is in your class.

Truly though, you inspire me with how you just enter into a space and wave goodbye and make friends, whether it's at school or the gym or Sunday school or wherever. I don't think I could do that.

Your dad was commenting a few days ago on your emotional intelligence. You are just in tune to the needs of others, exceptionally attentive and extremely affectionate. In fact, your teachers at school are always commenting on how affectionate you are, always hugging the other kids and declaring that you're a hugger! And I can't help but wonder how long that will last, will it always be a part of who you are? Or will that change with time? Will you always be kind and caring and compassionate?

I wonder how much of your 4 year old self will remain in your 14 year old self, or your 24 year old self, or your 34 year old self.

I think 4 might be a favorite age of mine. You are a true delight, and we can have real conversations about life and death, about hopes and dreams, about joy and pain, about choices and consequences, and I love that.

You are an incredible little buddy, and I love seeing the world through your eyes. I love the questions you ask, and your deep curiosity for the goings on in the world and for the way things work. I love that you love to read and I love that you enjoy your time alone and I really love that you can voice your emotions and needs at such a young age.

I just love who you are as a being. I love that God has given me you to raise, and I love watching you grow.

My hope and prayer for you is that you grow up to know yourself, that you may be incredibly self aware, declaring what you need to the world, and responding with a compassionate heart to what the world and individuals also need. May you have eyes to see their hearts and ears to hear their pain and the courage to enter into it.

And may you never ever stop asking questions, and challenging the status quo and the way things are. May this quality serve you well in life and may you see God's face in the eyes of His people and may you love deeply because He first loved us.

I love you,

Mama

Jack Emmet: 4.5 years

Little Buddy by month 

1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18 // 

2 years // 2.5 years // 3 years // 3.5 years // 4 years

You // You are such a little boy these days! You love playing superheroes and having powers and you love playing on your own. But you also love spending time with your brother and your friends. You love being around people, but then you need your time alone to recharge. I just love you. And I love getting to know who you are.

Growing // I had you step on the scale a few weeks ago and you weighed 38.6 lbs. You just keep getting taller and taller and I keep moving things from your closet over to your bothers.

Eating + Sleeping // You still really love breakfast, and I just started buying Kix a few months ago and you could eat bowls and bowls of that. You're a pretty good eater. You love eggs, but you don't like things in your eggs. You prefer sweet potatoes to regular potatoes. You love tacos and turkey meat and green beans and peas. You still really love pasta with cheese. You love apples and bananas and that's really all you eat in the way of fruit, oh and grapes!

We try to get you to bed by 7 PM these days now that you aren't napping, and some days you fall asleep in the car in the afternoon on our way to the gym. And you wake up stating, I was just a little tired mama, but now I'm awake! You wake up in the morning rearing to go, and you normally want to eat your breakfast, get dressed, and get on with the day. And you always ask me first thing, what are we doing today mama, where are we going? 

But with your bedtime, you watch a show or something, then we read books, brush your teeth, pjs, not necessarily all in that order. And we just walk you into your room, you crawl up into your bed, put the blankets on and tell you that we'll be back to check on you, and it's brilliant!! You go right to sleep on your own these days, gone are the days of lying with you. We're so proud of you!! Gone are the days too of you waking up just to have us put your blankets back on. You use to walk into our room and just want us to put you back to bed to cover you once again in your blankets. But then I got you a bigger blanket, and that was solved!! Thank you Jesus!

Most mornings you wake up around 5:30/6, but you walk into our room and crawl into bed with us or sometimes when I tell you it's not time to get up, you just walk back into your room and go back to your bed yourself.

Nicknames // Jackie, bubba, pup pup

Wearing // The majority of your clothes are 4T, but you do have some 5T stuff, and I think some of the shorts you're wearing this summer are actually 3T. Your shoe size is a 10. I let you take full ownership over your clothes, most of the time. Or I at least give you choices, you can wear one of these 3 shirts, and you'll pick it and put it on your body for the most part. You have a hard time putting on socks, but you're getting it. You love to wear jeans, a t-shirt and a zippy as you call them, a sweatshirt with a zip. And your shoes and jeans have to be a certain way. It totally blows my mind that you're so particular at such a young age, but I love how you know what you want and you go after it with such determination.

Loving // You really love being a big brother, you really do. You really love when we're all together or when you get special time with one of us. Like I said earlier, you love being around people, but you also love your time alone to play. I don't know what you'll do when Ryan eventually drops his nap as that's like your special time to play with your special things. You love pretending and make believe and playing family. You love going to the library and reading books and creating things. You love seeing your friends and the important people to you. You love making people laugh.

Loathing // You don't really like when we try to control you, but I don't like when people try to control me either! And you don't like when Ryan hits you or pushes you - Ryan can be pretty aggressive and you don't really like that, again, I don't blame you. I don't like when he's aggressive either.

Doing // You are truly my little helper. You want to help with everything, so I'm constantly having to think through how to include you in anything I'm doing. But you really love putting things out on the table for dinner and clearing the table and putting all the things in their appropriate places. You are climbing everything these days. It took you awhile to get comfortable and confident climbing things without assistance, but now, I'm like where's Jack, and you've climbed up some big monstrosity of a thing. A few weekends ago you swam off the boat in the open water at the canal, so proud of you! You are doing so many brave and courageous things and we're so proud of you for stepping out of your comfort zone and realizing what you are capable of rather than living into the fear of the unknown. It's a delight to watch you discover your capabilities!!

Milestones // You had another urgent care visit. We got another stamp in your passport with another trip to Ireland for Auntie Ruth's wedding. You started at a new school. You went on your first camping trip!

Words/Phrases // One minute, Where us going today mama? What planet are we on? I need space alone.