Dear Jack,
Your birthday was a few weeks ago, and I can't believe you are five years old. And as I tucked you into bed on your birthday, I prayed over you and just thanked God for those five years as the tears streamed down my face.
I can't believe you've been outside of the womb and in my arms for five years now. Five whole years - that feels so incredibly long. And I just keep thinking, we've had more years with you than some parents have had with their kids and that feels wild and so surreal. It makes me think about the baby we lost, the one we won't meet this side of Heaven, and I'm just so grateful for each day with you. It is all such a gift, to have carried you in my womb, to have held you in my arms, to have cared for you and kissed you and loved you.
And naturally on your birthday, I spent some time reading over your birth story (Part one and Part two) and looking back at old photos. And as I look at your five year old self, all of that feels like a lifetime ago, and I just think wow, what a story!
And with each passing year, I feel more and more removed from that story, from the weeks leading up to your birth and the weeks following it. Yet, as I read over my own words tonight and looked at photos, and thought about the time leading up to your arrival and the days after your arrival, my heart broke. And yes, your story is a beautiful one, but it's one I wouldn't wish on anyone. As it's just so painful and hard.
I could hear my voice. I could sense my pain. I could hear my cries. I could close my eyes and be taken back to that day of your birth when I was throwing up all day and the nurses thought I had the flu, but turns out that's just how my body was responding to the contractions. Turns out I was 2.5 centimeters dilated at 33 weeks pregnant. And I remember just being tired of being in the hospital, I had been there 6 days too long, and I was done and I wanted to go home. Nothing had gone as I had hoped it would, and here we were on a Sunday night, just waiting. And your hear rate was dropping and you weren't able to withstand the contractions, so they came in to tell me it was go time. And I remember turning to the Dr. and just saying, we're going to have a baby, this is a really big deal, and the truth is, having a baby is a really big deal regardless of their entrance into the world!!
And yes, your entrance may have been a dramatic one, and your NICU stay was definitely hard on our souls and our spirits, and leaving the hospital for 20 days without you in our arms was for sure hard and yes I'd cry like every night as I just wanted you home with us, but eventually we DID take you home from the hospital and you are alive and well and for that we are so thankful!
And I find with each passing year, I'd rather reflect on who you are, than reminisce about your birth story. The truth is, as soon as that faint line appeared on that pregnancy test, I started dreaming about who you would look like, who you might be, who you would become, how long I'd be able to witness this life of yours. And this past year, I've been reminded just how precious life is, how our days are numbered, and we have no idea just how much time we'll have together. I have no idea if I'll live long enough to see you achieve various milestones, like get your drivers license, or graduate from highschool, maybe college, travel the world, get married, have children, achieve some of your dreams, etc. And I have no idea if you'll live long enough to achieve those milestones, but what I do know is that I cherish each day with you and being able to watch you grow and experience the world right before my very eyes is pure magic.
You are pure magic Jack, and I just delight in you.
And I look at the photos of your tiny 4 lb self and then admire the giant 5 year old before me, and it's all such a gift, witnessing your growth and transformation is the most beautiful gift.
Through you God has taught me so much about letting go and letting God, in realizing nothing may go as I had planned, but in the end trusting that He is still good.
My son, I love you dearly, and lately I just find myself sitting back and just watching you. Tonight, Ryan asked me to turn music on, so he danced around the living room, while you ran back and forth playing superheroes by yourself and making super power noises. And I just sit back and watch you as I drop you off at preschool, and you stuff your bag into a cubby and give me a quick hug and run off to play with your friends. I admire the way you just engage with a situation and a new environment whether that's at the gym, or at a new school, or with new friends. You're just fully in it and you love being around people and being on the go.
But you also love your down time, and ask for space alone and just time to decompress and sit and quietly read a book. I love that you already know this about yourself at 5 - that you know what you need and you have the words to express it. You are exceptionally inquisitive and curious and you love to ask questions - I love this about you!
I love the way you love your brother and watching you two interact together brings me so much joy. Last night we asked you a few questions and one of them was what's your favorite thing about Ryan, and you replied cause he laughs so hard! And no one makes him laugh harder than you Jack Emmet, truly, but I suppose in that breath, no one makes him cry more than you too haha!!
And I wish I could record all the conversations we have, like the one we had lately with your friend Noelle about girls and getting married. You were talking about some girls in your class and said I'm going to marry so and so, and I said well the girl gets a say in all this as well you know. You don't just get to pick, she chooses you as well. Or the conversation we've had about you never moving out, how you're just going to build a tree house in the backyard and live there with your family and your dog. Or the nightly play by play of your day.
I love how in those 5 years of your life, I have come to know you, to know what you like, to know what you need, to anticipate a request before the words even make it out of your mouth. You love make believe and super heros and super powers and lego and building all sorts of things and you'd like to be a builder someday! My child, I could see that happening as you always ask about the creater behind something and who built this item or that object.
You are such a great little buddy, and you listen well and you love helping with things around the house and being given little responsibities, like putting things away or cleaning or dusting or setting the table or doing the dishes. It's the cutest thing as I watch you putting napkins and silverware on the table, and all the sauces we have in the fridge, even though I know we won't use any of them!
Jack Emmet, I need you to know that God has used you in such a powerful way to refine me. And I had no idea just how much refining needed to happen within my soul and spirit. These past five years have been filled with letting go and extending grace to myself and to you, and just slowing down. My desire is to know you and to be known by you, and for you to see the Lord's goodness and love for you reflected in the way I speak to you and in the way I care for you and in the way I love you and set you free!
I'm so grateful for the privilege it is to raise you.
I love you so much,
Mama
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