Dear Jack,
Today is your fourth birthday. I can't believe you are four years old. I can't believe you've been outside of the womb and in my arms for four years now. I can't believe I've been a mom for that long, but I suppose that explains the bags under my eyes and the grey hairs I've been plucking out of my head for a few years now!
And I of course spent some time reading over your birth story today (Part one and Part two). And it's funny because now that I'm four years removed, I just think wow, what a story! It almost feels like it's not my story anymore as we're in such a different season and your brothers birth story was so different from yours.
The reality is, the road leading up to your arrival and even after your arrival was a difficult one. It was really hard, the hardest thing we'd ever dealt with at that stage in the game of life. I had never spent nine days in a hospital before, and I had never had a baby before, let alone a c-section or a preemie. It was all so new. All of it - we were walking uncharted territory, yes there are those who had gone before us, but we had never walked this road before. The NICU stay, the pumping, the breastfeeding, the visits, the endless waiting, the nights at home without a baby beside me, the empty arms. There were countless nights, I left the hospital in tears because I just wanted to bring you home with us. It was so hard. Yet, amidst the hard moments, God was good, He was faithful and we learned so much about how to care for you, how to care for each other and how deeply we were loved by God. And your entrance into this world was beautiful and your story is yours. I can't wait to share it with you someday!
But I find, with each passing year, that I'd rather reflect on who you are, on who I am now by the grace of God because of you, than reminisce about your birth story.
Jack Emmet, my firstborn, my preemie, my undoing, my thinker, my refiner. I saw you first as two lines on a pregnancy test, and again as two more lines on another pregnancy test. I saw you first in the little buddy three month pajamas I bought from Target. Little did I know just how small you actually would be and that it would take you AGES to actually fit into them. We announced your existence to the grandparents through an I Love you, Grandpa book on Father's Day! And your grandma announced your gender to us early on as she placed the ultrasound wand over my tiny belly. A BOY she exclaimed! I knew it, I just knew it. I also thought you'd have red hair. Let's just say I nailed it!
Your entrance into the world felt so dramatic, and through it all, God taught me so much about patience and provision. He has used you in such a mighty way to undo me, to refine me. And it's crazy for me to think that you were just 23 months old when Ryan was born. You were still such a baby, but gosh you felt so big on the day you met him and I held you both in my arms.
Jack Emmet, you my son are so good. And your goodness is so pure and so good for my own soul. I mean don't get me wrong, you can be a bit of a terror sometimes, but most of the time I find myself in awe of the things you say..."Have fun with your friends mama, have a good time, thanks for coming over and playing, have a good nights sleep, mama I love you so much, mama thanks for playing with me, mama thanks for buying me this." And just last week as you were walking out the door to go to school, you said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And you ran back into your room, and squeezed Ryan tight and smothered him with kisses and he wrapped his little arms around you and just stood there, fully accepting your hugs and kisses. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as it felt like such a pure and sacred moment. And I thought, this, this is what it's all about.
Jack Emmet, I've loved getting to know your 3 year old self. I wish you could meet him. He's so curious and inquisitive and asks the best questions. In fact, you recently asked me if you could have a sister, and I asked you if you'd be okay with another brother, and you said, no I'd like a sister. I then had to inform you that it doesn't quite work like that, but you've been talking ALOT about your baby sister lately. (DISCLAIMER - I am NOT pregnant, but we are definitely praying about the timing and possibility of adding to the Drennan clan if God wills it.)
I love being your mama, I don't think I could have envisioned just how much I would love it nor how much joy and contentment I'd find in this role. It's exhausting, I've never had a harder job, but good Lord it's so rewarding!
And I need you to know that you have changed me. Being a mother has changed me. I've experienced the Lords love for me in such a deeper way as I love you. I turn to Him for strength when I'm so tired and my spirit is so weak. I turn to Him for wisdom when I'm at my wits end. I turn to Him for forgiveness on the days when I need a do over. I turn to Him in my joy and in my grief. And my hope and prayer my sweet boy is that you will see the Lord's goodness and love for you reflected in the way I speak to you, in the way I care for you and in the way I love you!
I'm so thankful for this gift of another year of life! This life we're living is such a gift and it is such a joy to watch you grow and discover the world.
I love you so much,
Mama
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