Letter to Jack {5.5 years}

Jack,

Your last day of preschool is today. It still blows my mind you're going to be in Kindergarten in the fall. You had your kindergarten orientation yesterday and you asked why it was so short, and later that night you said mama, I don't want to go to Kindergarten yet. The truth is, I don't know if I'm ready for you to go yet. I can't believe it's time for that already, to launch you out into the world, to truly set you free, to watch you fly. I don't know why kindergarten feels so different to me than your 4 day a week all day preschool. Maybe it's because I can't drop you off late or pick you up early, maybe it's because I can't just keep you home with me because I feel like it, maybe it's because it feels like the beginning of the end, and each passing school year will be a reminder that you're one year closer to leaving the house. This is all assuming you leave the house at 18, but who really knows as you keep talking about living in a tree house out back when you grow up and getting a dog and having a family. Or maybe it's because it feels like I'm launching myself out, setting myself free, spreading my own wings to fly.

You originally didn't get into our neighborhood elementary school, the one we live like .2 miles from, and you were on the waitlist. And I laugh thinking back to the day we got the news that you didn't get in. It was a major mama bear moment for me. And you better believe the principal heard from me as I kindly stated I understood the system, but it didn't mean I was happy with the system.

I already know I'm going to miss you terribly, and Ryan's going to miss you so much. I've kept you home from preschool a few times over the last couple weeks just because I wanted to spend time with you and it probably didn't help that you woke up declaring that you didn't want to go to school and that you wanted to spend time with me and baby brother.

I find myself just shaking my head and asking myself where the time has gone. And with Conor in the NICU, I've been reminiscing over your time there, looking back at old photos of you in your first few days. You were so small, and I was so young! Neither of us had any idea what this whole parent/child thing was going to look like or how it was going to be, but we knew we'd figure it out together.

And I had no idea just who you were going to be.

And now that we're five years in to this parent/child thing, I'd like to think I know you pretty well. And if I'm honest, I'm dying to see how your five year old self compares to your 15 year old self and your 25 year old self. I always wonder how much of your five year old self will carry into your future self.

So let me tell you about your five year old self.

I think this age might be my favorite.

Just this past weekend we went away to the hood canal, and you packed your bag to go and unpacked your bag and everyone else's bags and put all our things away in the drawers. And then you lined up all your shoes! You are so diligent in your packing and unpacking and so determined to get it all done before we can enter into our time there. And I just laugh as I look at you because that is EXACTLY what I do. So I wonder nature vs. nurture? What will play out?

On that same note, you do love putting things away. Everything has its place, and this is what I've taught you, but you like having all your things in order.

You are so tenderhearted and honest and true, and I think just a few days ago, you were quiet in the kitchen, and then you came to find me to confess that you'd eaten a marshmallow! I still laugh about that.

You are so incredibly patient with your brother, it truly blows my mind, and drives me crazy sometimes. Ryan could be banging on you or stealing a toy, and you just patiently ride the wave out. We've been teaching you to take a stand for yourself against Ryan as he tends to bug you till you reluctantly give him what he wants.

You are so brave and determined and it's been so fun to watch you now plow forward with things that would have scared you just months ago.

You love your family time, when we do things with all of us, it just makes you so happy. And you love your one on one time with your dad and I. We call it "special time", and it most certainly is special! And it could be something as simple as going to the grocery store with one of us or making a stop at the library or going to the hardware store or going to get coffee or lunch. I love our one on one time together, and I'm realizing just how important that time is and how important it will continue to be especially with 3 kids in the home! The time to just sit and focus on one child and revel in who they are as an individual and what it is that makes them uniquely them, set apart from their siblings. Like I've said before the sibling dynamic is a beautiful thing, but I can see how kids can get lost in it. And birth order, don't get me started on birth order as you are definitely showing the oldest child tendencies, but then I think, how can you not right? Your dad and I try really hard not to put too much pressure on you, but we still find ourselves saying, Jack you're five, set a good example, Jack you're five, your brother watches everything you do, Jack you're five, you can get yourself dressed. So maybe it's okay because we focus more on your age, than your birth order position? But sometimes I do feel we put too much pressure on you to be a certain way, or to fill a certain role. So we try to be conscious of that. 

And you love your dada, truly. Last night you hit your head on the doorknob or something, and I was sitting right beside you, but you bypassed me, cried for dada and made a beeline to him. I chuckle every time this happens, and it's been happening alot lately, because it use to be me. I use to be your person, and now it's your dada. I mean don't get me wrong, you definitely still come to me to be snuggled and comforted, but you're definitely not a mamas boy anymore!! And while one part of me aches as it's another sign of you growing up, the other part of me rejoices that you find security and comfort in your dada, that you know he will wrap his arms around you and embrace you and your tears. It's beautiful really.

You really love playing family - the mom, the dad, baby brother, etc. And you and Ryan and your friend Noelle could play that all day long! It's so interesting hearing you guys walk through the different family dynamics and roles.

Just yesterday, during your dinner prayers, you thanked Jesus for all of us - for Mr. Funny man (Ryan), for Mr. work man (dada), for Mr. clean up man (me, little do you know it should be Mrs.), for Mr. Hospital Man (Conor), and you most certainly didn't forget yourself, Mr. School man. And I just laughed as I thought this is how you see us. These are the labels you’ve given to each of us based upon your perception of us. It's all so good.

And last night during our bedtime prayers, you prayed that you would get to be a dad, and my heart burst as I just thought this truly is the desire of your five year old heart. You talk about being a dad all the time...when I'm a dad, I'm going to...when I'm a dad...etc. And I just think how cool that that's your prayer, that you would get the opportunity to be a dad, to possibly have a son or a daughter someday. And son, I hope and pray your wish comes true, not only for your sake, but for mine too!

And lately you’ve been wanting us to share with you stories of when we were kids...mama tell me about when you were a kid. It's the cutest thing. Too bad I have a terrible memory and I'm definitely not the storyteller in the family! 

But you my child have a great memory and I love hearing all the things you already remember at the tender age of 5. Remember mama when we did this? Remember mama....so much of your memories involves one on one moments and you're always asking for those connection moments. They truly are so important for you to have, and I think it's because you love having our undivided attention, so you can talk without interruptions as Ryan always interrupts you and then you get annoyed by that interruption. Who wouldn't though?

Sweet boy, keep paving the way, keep putting on your brave pants and standing in the face of your fears, and keep reaching for the sky. May God grant us the wisdom as to how to encourage you to live fully into who He has created you to be! I love you so much! And I'm so proud of you!

Love,

Mama