A letter to Conor

To my littlest man,

Today as I felt the weight of you in my hand, I just marveled at how much you've grown in two months and how sturdy and stable you are. And I just sat there filled with gratitude as I breathed you in.

You had a few episodes due to reflux where you stopped breathing, and I knew it was coming, the beeping of the machines, the nurses coming in to check on you. I know what to do now, and you were back to your normal self in no time.

But it got me thinking, I'm just starting to know you. A nurse asked me today if you liked your hands tucked in your blanket or left out, and I hesitated to answer. The truth is, I don't know yet how you like your hands. I know sometimes you like them tucked in and sometimes you like them out. So that's what I told her, and she said you're still getting to know each other, and I thought that's so true.

I'm still getting to know you and your likes and dislikes. I know you like your pacifier and I know you run warm. I know you like bath times, but you don't really like having your diaper changed. 

And as I sat with you today, I just thought, there's so much I don't know about you yet. 

But what I do know is that today you are the same size as Ryan when he was born. 

And for some reason that feels strange to me, to hold you and feel the weight of your body in my arms, knowing your current weight matches your brothers and you're just a day shy of his gestational age at birth, but you're two months old. I found myself looking back at photos of Ryan at birth to see if I could spot similarities and if I'm honest, I think you look more like Ryan at that age than you do Jack.

And I found myself daydreaming about what your birth story would have been had things gone differently. The plan would have been to get me on blood pressure meds before my numbers got too high, probably right around the 30 week mark and to induce me around 37/38 weeks. I think my Dr. is on call on Thursdays, so I most likely would have been induced Wednesday night or something, which would have been two Wednesdays ago. I had scheduled all my Drs appointments up until 37 weeks, and I remember telling the scheduler, I don't need to go past that as baby will be born by then. I remember the funny look she gave me as she thought I was just willing your exit, and then I kindly informed her that we were already talking an induction date that would most likely be before 38 weeks, little did I know just how early we'd be meeting you!!

And if I'm honest, this past week has felt painful as I just envisioned I'd have you in my arms by now. I assumed your birth date would be the middle of June, right before Father's day, and then after you were born early, I was holding out hope at the beginning that you'd be home by Father's day. Wishful thinking, this I know. 

I never in my wildest dreams would have envisioned this would be your story. If someone was to ask me about my thoughts for your birth story, I'm sure I would have said well I imagine it will be like Ryan's. I never ever would have said I imagine it will be like Jack's!!! That thought and that birth story was so incredibly far from my mind. 

And as I held you today, I just thought, you are your own person, with your own story, and I can't wait to get to know you more, to discover who you are as a being apart from me and apart from your brothers.

And what I do know is that you are strong, you are resilient, you have already come so far and accomplished so many things, and my heart swells with pride for you sweet boy!!

I love you so much!

Love,

Mama