Dearest Conor,
Saturday you were 11 weeks old and you've been in the hospital for 77 days. How has it been that long? I met a mom last week whose baby was born just a few days before you, and I asked how many days he'd been in the NICU and she knew how many days on the nose. And I asked if he was her first, and the answer was of course yes! And she turned the days question back to me, and I only knew because I had just counted for someone. If I'm honest, I lose track of the days. I know you've been there for over two months, sometimes I know the week, but again that's even rare! What I do know is that it's been two months too long for my heart, but not too long for yours. And what I do know is that my heart breaks for any mama who has to leave the hospital without her baby in her arms, regardless of the length of stay and regardless of the baby's age. I also know that I've done that with all of my babes, and I don't know if that makes it easier this time around or not? It's never easy, but it's not unfamiliar either, and I'm thankful for that!
I remember when Jack was in the NICU, I knew exactly how many days he'd been there, and I suppose it's easier to keep track when it's only 20 days. And I was so eager to get him home and truly begin my journey as a mama. And with you, I'm so incredibly eager to get you home, but I now know that my journey with being your mama doesn't begin when you get home. It's already begun. And I also know I don't want you coming home till you're good and ready to come home! I feel no need to push you beyond what you're capable of. And maybe it's because you've already been there 77 days, so I figure what's another week or two?
And I know that so much can happen in a week. This last week has been a big one for you! Just 1.5 weeks ago you took your first bottle, so at 38 weeks on the nose. I loved watching you as you tried to figure out just how to suck your food out of that nipple, and you caught on so incredibly fast. I couldn't believe it. They started you off with just 10 ml and then upped it to 20 ml and within the week they were giving you your full feed of 55 ml through the bottle. Some feeds you'd take the full thing and some feeds you'd just do part bottle, part feeding tube, but I was just in awe at how quickly you were progressing.
And Saturday when I went in to see you, the nurse told me you'd pulled out your feeding tube and she was going to leave it out unless you needed it for a feed. I was there to feed you two bottles and you did both on your own. And then the night nurse put your feeding tube back in, which is fine by me as long as you're still doing a good amount of your feeds by mouth!
And Sunday just days before your due date, they took you off all oxygen support. Feels like a monumental moment to be honest as you've been hooked up to oxygen support since your first day of life. I can't believe we've overcome that hurdle, and now it's just feeding and maintaining your endurance for that! And now comes the time in your hospital stay when your dad and I truly become your advocates, when we start making our voices and opinions truly known, when we start checking in more throughout the day.
Monday, you have a hearing test and they'll do an ultrasound of your heart to see how your PDA is progressing, has it closed entirely? will you need surgery? etc? One of the nurses said she couldn't hear it at all, so if it's still there it's really small.
And when I was with you on Satuday, I just sat with you in my arms just reveling at how far you've come, at your growth. I can't help but wonder if I'll forever do this with you. I think I do it with your brothers too, but I know your birthday will be a monumental moment for me as I sit and reflect back on the past year, on your physical growth and my emotional and spiritual growth.
So much growth, and I love that growth, but I'd be lying to you and everyone else if I said I don't sometimes question as to why we have to endure what we have to endure to get to that growth. Why has the Lord chosen us to carry out this story? Why has He chosen us to endure this pain and these trials over the last year? It definitely brings me to my knees and reminds me that you are not mine. He alone writes your story, and I'm just here to come alongside you through the pages of that story. And what an incredible gift that is!
I can't wait to see what this next week holds for you! How many more days till we buckle you into your carseat and take you home with us? How many more days till you feel the fresh air on your skin? I'm so excited to just sit with you and snuggle you on our bed as your brothers crowd around you. What a sweet homecoming it will be!
And until then, I'll just sit here filled with gratitude to the Lord for your life!
Love your mama
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