Routine

It's strange to think about what my routine and a typical week looked like for me 13 weeks ago, and what it looks like now. And just as I felt I was finding my rhythm with Conor and the hospital, that routine changed as soon as Jack was out of preschool for the summer, and then we had to find a new rhythm, which I don't think I've really found yet as I just feel like we're in this holding period as we wait. There truly isn't a typical week for me as each day and each week is different. I'm thankful that one of my strengths according to strengths finders is adaptability, but I really do love a routine, even if it's a loose one.

These past few weeks, I've really been thinking about what it will look like to have Conor home with us. I've also been thinking about just how our family will adjust to having a baby with us 24 hours of the day. And if I'm honest, I've gotten use to the routine of the hospital, of visiting my babe there, of coming and going without him. It's strange not being his sole care giver, not being the one that's responsible for his care. And considering I'm only there like 3 hours a day, if that, I'm nowhere near his primary care giver! I've changed far less diapers and bottle fed him far less than his nurses have. And that's just so strange.

But I've gotten use to that strangeness, probably in part as a coping mechanism. I think if I think about it too much, if I think about the months I've missed, the milestones, the amount of hours I've spent with empty arms, I might get lost in the pain of it. It's really the strangest thing to tuck your baby into their bed, knowing someone else will be caring for them the rest of the day. And let it be known, some days and nights it's easier to walk away than others. But also let it be known that I can't wait to be the one tucking him in at night.

Life feels complicated right now as we try to juggle it all, but I can't help but wonder just how complicated life will feel with a baby in our home! And yes, I'm waking up in the night to pump, but I'm able to go right back to sleep, and once Conor comes home, that will most definitely be different. And right now, when I go somewhere with the boys, I just have two to get in and out of the car, and I don't have to bring much with me, except for snacks of course! They're very independent. They're both potty trained. They walk. They feed themselves. They get in and out of the car themselves. And once Conor comes home, that will be different and most likely a little bit more difficult to take them all places as he's likely to come home with oxygen and a feeding tube!

But let it be known, I'm so ready to bring my sweet babe home. I'm so ready to find a new routine, one that includes Conor's waking and sleeping. I'm so ready to be together as a party of five all the time. I'm ready to figure out the juggle, of how to manage all of the kids as I attempt to maintain my sanity. I'm so ready to see how Jack and Ryan are with a baby in our home.

I think we're all ready for it! Ready or not here he comes.