Life as I know it.

 

Life as I know it will soon be coming to an end.

Tomorrow marks the final day of my maternity leave. And I go back to work Monday.

People keep asking me how I'm feeling about the whole going back to work thing! And if I'm honest, it feels incredibly surreal. I could only prolong the inevitable for so long. And these 12 weeks have gone by incredibly fast. I love being home with my boys, and I love that my only job over these past 12 weeks has been to care for them. There was so much freedom in that. And it was so nice to just wake up each day feeling as though I had the whole day to spend as I wished, whether that was cleaning the house, grocery shopping, dates with friends and their babes, walks around the park, folding laundry, making dinner, library visits, blogging, reading books, etc. I could do whatever I wanted without any guilt.

See, the truth is, I'm a different person when I'm working. A little more frazzled, a little more stressed out, a little more overwhelmed, a little more tense, a little more torn. And I live in the tension of being a working mom, particularly a mom that works in an office and from home a few days a week. And I struggle with feeling as though I'm not doing anything well. And on the days when I work from home, I feel guilty for not giving the boys 100% of me, and I feel guilty for not giving work 100% of me. However, I wouldn't change my days at home for anything.

So I live in the tension. And I try to survive and thrive in that tension. But it's hard. Hard for my heart, hard for my marriage. I've been telling people that Peter's going to have a different wife starting Monday, and I hate saying that, but it's true. I don't like who I am when I come home from a day at the office. The house is normally a bit chaotic with toys everywhere, crumbs on the floor, and dishes in the sink. And I come in like a force to be reckoned with and start tidying up things before I even acknowledge the presence of my beautiful family. UGH...I wish I could say I have gotten better at this over the years, at letting go, but the reality is I haven't. I suppose it boils down to control, and when I'm home with the boys, I can control the mess and I can control the situation, and when I'm not, well you can imagine how that goes.

This two kid thing is manageable and enjoyable right now, but is that because they are my only focus and I'm not torn between them and work? Or is it simply manageable and enjoyable regardless of the other stuff? I really don't know. But I'm going to find out soon enough.

So when people ask me how I'm feeling about going back to work, I've been telling them to pray. Pray for me, for the stress I know is coming, for the guilt that has the power to overtake me, for my marriage, for my heart, and for grace, an abundance of grace for myself and my husband.

Part of me wishes I had more time, while the other part is ready to embrace our new normal. Part of me is terrified, while the other part is excited. I knew I'd be going back to work on March 9th, I just didn't realize how quickly the months of December, January, and February would pass by. I'll miss the extra two days with the boys, but I'm so thankful for the three that we have together!! And I'm even more thankful that Peter will be with them the days that I'm not. And I'm looking forward to seeing my coworkers Monday, but you better believe that I'll be looking forward to working from home Tuesday and Wednesday after my first day back in the office Monday.

Here's to our new normal!!

Maternity Leave.

Well the day has come.  My maternity leave has come to an end.  I go back to work tomorrow.  And I am left stunned at how quickly three months went.  But I suppose three weeks of my maternity leave was spent with Jack in the hospital and a little over two months  spent at home.  I have had two months to spend with this little man, and each day has been such a gift.  Being his mom is such an honor and a privilege.  This little man, who was once a stranger in our home, has completely stolen my heart.

It all seems so surreal, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't emotional about the whole thing.  I just can't believe I'll be getting up for work in the AM and putting on proper clothes and brushing my hair, in order to leave the house for the majority of the day.  I'm use to just rolling out of bed and putting on sweats and brushing my teeth and calling it good because it didn't really matter right??  But tomorrow everything changes.

And let's be honest, I have never been away from Jack for this long.  I remember the first time I left Jack after we had brought him home.  A friend asked...don't you miss Jack?  And if I'm honest, my answer was no.  I informed her that I missed Peter more.  I mean Jack was going to sleep most of the day, and he probably had no idea I was even gone, or so I thought.  And now, if she were to ask that question again, I think my answer would be very different. Don't get me wrong, I'm going to miss Peter terribly tomorrow too, but Jack has been my constant companion for the past few months.  And I'm going to miss my little snuggle buddy and his soft, kissable cheeks.

Oh what a glorious few months it's been...to just wake up whenever, to not have an agenda, and to just slow down a bit.  And as I packed my lunch tonight I almost broke down.  Is it always going to be this hard.  I'm sure it gets easier...please tell me it does.

And it's strange to say it, but I will never experience my first maternity leave ever again.  From here on out, maternity leave will look very different once you add another child to the mix.  And I will never get those first three months of Jack's life back, and from here on out he's just going to grow older - strange right?  And I'm okay with not being able to turn back the clock.  But I sure hope I cherish each moment for what it is when I'm in it.

And I am blessed to have a job - one that I enjoy with people that I enjoy!  And I know tomorrow won't be easy, especially after being away from the desk for over 3 months now, but I know it will be enjoyable.  And I'm looking forward to that. but I'm also looking forward to coming home to my guys when the work day is over.

We are so blessed.  And it has been a true blessing to watch this little man go from this.

to this.

to this.

So I know it's selfish...but will you please pray for me tomorrow (Monday)?  For my transition back to work, that it would be truly blessed, that Christ would go before me.  And please pray for my husband, who is working from home tomorrow and spending the day with Jack (I'm jealous already!), for his sanity and true patience.

Stay tuned for an update!  Jack turned 3 months on Saturday - I still can't believe it.

xoxo,

Malia