Life as I know it.

 

Life as I know it will soon be coming to an end.

Tomorrow marks the final day of my maternity leave. And I go back to work Monday.

People keep asking me how I'm feeling about the whole going back to work thing! And if I'm honest, it feels incredibly surreal. I could only prolong the inevitable for so long. And these 12 weeks have gone by incredibly fast. I love being home with my boys, and I love that my only job over these past 12 weeks has been to care for them. There was so much freedom in that. And it was so nice to just wake up each day feeling as though I had the whole day to spend as I wished, whether that was cleaning the house, grocery shopping, dates with friends and their babes, walks around the park, folding laundry, making dinner, library visits, blogging, reading books, etc. I could do whatever I wanted without any guilt.

See, the truth is, I'm a different person when I'm working. A little more frazzled, a little more stressed out, a little more overwhelmed, a little more tense, a little more torn. And I live in the tension of being a working mom, particularly a mom that works in an office and from home a few days a week. And I struggle with feeling as though I'm not doing anything well. And on the days when I work from home, I feel guilty for not giving the boys 100% of me, and I feel guilty for not giving work 100% of me. However, I wouldn't change my days at home for anything.

So I live in the tension. And I try to survive and thrive in that tension. But it's hard. Hard for my heart, hard for my marriage. I've been telling people that Peter's going to have a different wife starting Monday, and I hate saying that, but it's true. I don't like who I am when I come home from a day at the office. The house is normally a bit chaotic with toys everywhere, crumbs on the floor, and dishes in the sink. And I come in like a force to be reckoned with and start tidying up things before I even acknowledge the presence of my beautiful family. UGH...I wish I could say I have gotten better at this over the years, at letting go, but the reality is I haven't. I suppose it boils down to control, and when I'm home with the boys, I can control the mess and I can control the situation, and when I'm not, well you can imagine how that goes.

This two kid thing is manageable and enjoyable right now, but is that because they are my only focus and I'm not torn between them and work? Or is it simply manageable and enjoyable regardless of the other stuff? I really don't know. But I'm going to find out soon enough.

So when people ask me how I'm feeling about going back to work, I've been telling them to pray. Pray for me, for the stress I know is coming, for the guilt that has the power to overtake me, for my marriage, for my heart, and for grace, an abundance of grace for myself and my husband.

Part of me wishes I had more time, while the other part is ready to embrace our new normal. Part of me is terrified, while the other part is excited. I knew I'd be going back to work on March 9th, I just didn't realize how quickly the months of December, January, and February would pass by. I'll miss the extra two days with the boys, but I'm so thankful for the three that we have together!! And I'm even more thankful that Peter will be with them the days that I'm not. And I'm looking forward to seeing my coworkers Monday, but you better believe that I'll be looking forward to working from home Tuesday and Wednesday after my first day back in the office Monday.

Here's to our new normal!!