My Grandma.

I went to visit my grandma yesterday.  She had knee surgery nearly a week ago now and she is in a full-time care rehab facility.  It is a sad place, but I suppose alot of things are sad once you get to that age, especially since Old People Age Differently.

She came to my house for a visit a few weeks before her surgery, and she joined my parents, my aunt, Peter and I for lunch.  It was a pleasant time and it has literally been YEARS since I have seen my grandma laugh that much!  I mean the woman was crying!  But the really sad part about this whole occasion was that we were all getting together so that my mom could sign a DNR - do not resuscitate - form just in case things went sideways.

I guess the chances of dying during surgery are extremely high with the anesthetics and surgical complications and so on - so it was just a precaution, but STILL!  I called my grandma the night before her surgery and she was anxious and so very nervous.  The reality of death was lurking at her door.  And she felt as though she had to say all her last words and final thoughts and it truly broke my heart.

The catch with my grandma is...she is so ready to go!  And it makes me sad.  She truly feels as though she has nothing to live for...and she just wants to die.  Will I get to this point??  Will I get to the point where the simple act of waking up each morning is no longer a blessing, but a curse?  I would love to think not...but the reality is ...I have NO idea!  I can't imagine feeling as though I have nothing left to live for.  I can't imagine wanting to die, but then I look at her with all her aches and pains and I can't blame her!  The simplest things are so tough for her - getting out of bed, getting back into bed, lifting her legs up onto the bed, picking things up off the floor, dressing herself, etc.  So then death doesn't sound so bad...right?

So I went to visit my grandma yesterday.  I was by FAR the youngest visitor there, and all sorts of elderly people were staring at me...kind of made me uncomfortable to be honest.  But I just kept my head up high and kept walking down the hall...not entirely sure of where I was going, but knew that I would eventually get to my destination.  

My eyes finally landed upon my grandma in her room and she was so excited to see me!  I was there for an hour...and in that hour I met my grandma's roommate Patsy, I had my grandma ask me TWICE what that noise was (she was referring to the whistling on a Clint Eastwood Western on AMC that Patsy was watching!), I helped her answer her phone and get situated on her bed, I saw her little face and the terrible pain she was in, I heard her ask if she had already taken her pain meds, I heard the kind man reply with a yes and I heard her ask him for more.  

It is hard to see my grandma in that place...so much of what little dignity and independence she has left has been stripped from her, temporarily, and I know that is really hard for her.  But she is finally starting to realize that she can't do nearly as much on her own as she use to be able to.  And she is finally starting to realize that she actually needs people.  The woman is 86 years old, so I suppose it's about time right?  Better late than never.