I had a dream.

I had a dream last night that my grandma died.  This Grandma and this grandma.  This is the grandma that lives in the retirement home - the one who recently had knee surgery - the one who has lived alone for years.

So I had a dream last night that she died.  I woke up this morning truly wondering if she was still alive.  And I probably should have called her this morning to check in on her, but I didn't.  Maybe tomorrow??  There is always another day right??  Or so we think...until we wake up one morning and they are no longer there.

So in my dream my grandma died and no one told me till days later.  I think I found out from a text message my aunt sent me about the funeral service that would be happening the NEXT day.  I immediately called my parents house, after receiving the text, but no one answered.  And I was left listening to their answering machine message that said something about their being a death in the family and they would not be answering their phone for awhile.  And I remember thinking GREAT...what the heck is going on??  Why didn't anyone tell me about this said death in the family...maybe it's because they knew I would be truly heartbroken.  I was sooo mad and soo hurt and soo angry.

...and then I woke up soo mad and soo hurt and so angry, and my eyes were kind of glued shut - so I am assuming I shed a few tears.  I visited my grandma a few days ago and every time I see her she talks about her death...she always mentions how rich her life has been, how blessed she feels, and if she was to die tomorrow she would be okay with it.  And I always leave there thinking, but would I??  Would I have regrets??  Have I spent enough time with her...does she know I love her...will I be seeing her again in Heaven?  So many questions run through my mind...and I have answers to none of them!

I mean I can't even imagine how hard it must be to outlive all of your friends or to wake up each morning with piercing pain all over your body.  I can't even imagine what it would be like to have such terrible eyesight that I couldn't  read or such terrible hearing that I couldn't have a phone conversation or even a conversation face to face.  These are the realities of growing old and these are realities that I am extremely unfamiliar with.

I feel as though death is all around me lately.  I mean death is a reality for all of us right?  And when someone reaches the ripe old age of 80...the end of their life is surely something that hangs over their head.  And isn't it slightly strange to think that they they will leave this place just as they entered the world...weak, vulnerable, in need of help, not able to communicate, frustrated, and possibly wearing diapers.  I hope and pray I have the privilege of growing old...of living to that ripe old age and maybe even defying the odds and living till I see my one hundredth day on earth, but then I think by the time I am THAT age, I will be so vulnerable and weak and in so much need of help...I will most likely be frustrated, but hopefully and God willing I won't be needing any diapers!