Some of you may know that one of my biggest fears is that Peter will die before we have a chance to really live our lives together. And I truly feel as though I have slowly been working through this and wrestling with this sense of entitlement that I have. However, now that I'm pregnant, I have to admit that one of my most recent biggest fears is that my child will die before I do, and the catch is this fear is a reality for far MORE parents than it should be. And my heart breaks just thinking about those parents that grieve the death of a child and my heart breaks at the reality of this possibility.
And I can't help but think about this little being that is growing in my belly. And I can't help but think about those women that miscarry or those women that have stillborns and literally have to give birth to a baby that isn't even breathing. Imagine that...finding out your pregnant, announcing the pregnancy, a growing belly, everyone knows and everyone is expecting a healthy, baby boy come baby boy's due date and lo and behold the Lord takes this child home early - far earlier than his mama ever wanted. Or what about the little boy that is diagnosed with cancer at the age of two? And then goes into remission only to discover a year or so later that the cancer is back in full force...imagine what it would be like to watch your son go through that. Or imagine your 5 year old daughter being diagnosed with cancer when you are 7 months pregnant? The grief...and the pain...and the sheer anger at the injustice of it all!
These stories are real and these boys and girls and their parents have names. And as I attempt to imagine the tremendous grief and the deep, deep pain, which I can't even do justice to, I can't help but think about this baby in my belly and I can't help but cry out to the Lord...HOW DARE YOU TAKE THIS BEING FROM ME! How DARE you! I mean doesn't he have a right to a full life?? Doesn't he have a right to experience the joys, the tears, the trials of living? Doesn't he have the right to fall in love, to get his heart broken, to have children of his own? I mean don't I have the right to watch him grow older, to go through these various stages considering I'm the one who birthed him? How dare you, God, even consider taking this child from me! I mean doesn't he have the right to outlive me??
And then I stop myself amidst the grief and the pain that I have completely played out in my mind, even though this child isn't even born yet, and I remind myself that this child wasn't mine to start with. This child is a gift from God - He is the one that created him, that knit him together in my womb - and He can take him whenever he chooses, but can I honestly say that I truly believe this? And when all is said and done, and if something tragic were to happen, would I not cry out to God ...how dare you?? Would I truly come to him with open arms and thank him for taking my child from me far earlier than I would have ever desired? Of course not - I would grieve...I would be angry, this I know, but I also know that in time He would heal my heart and in Him I would find hope - hope for the future, hope from His comfort and His plans. God is good and His love endures forever, even amidst the tragedies, but it's so hard to remember this when you are just wrecked with grief.
Tears stream down my face as I even type this post, and my heart breaks at the what ifs, the could bes, and I can't help but think about those families that are near and dear to me who have gone beyond the what ifs to the what IS. They have grieved, and one child lost the cancer battle, while the other one conquered it.
The reality is that at some point in our lives we will experience some form of grief, if we haven't already,...this I can count on and it may or may not be due to cancer. I can guarantee that someone you know has been touched by cancer in some way, whether that be an aunt, a grandparent, a friend, a child, or maybe even you. And the question is...how did you handle this grief? Or how will you handle it in the future? Will you turn toward God or will you turn away from Him?
Anyhow, enough sadness for one post. I won't force you to read anymore, but I wanted to end this post with a song that Taylor Swift wrote for a 4 year old boy called Ronan who passed away from a battle with cancer in 2011. She wrote the single after reading a blog from Ronan's mother who helped Taylor write the song, and she performed this song during the Stand up 2 Cancer telethon.
I remember your little laugh
Race cars on the kitchen floor
Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back
I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own
secret club
I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking
me up
I can still feel you hold my hand
Little man, from even that moment I knew
You fought it hard like an army guy
Remember I leaned in and whispered to you
Chorus:
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
I remember the drive home when the blind hope
Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"
Flowers piled up in the worst way
No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died
And it's about to be Halloween
You could be anything you wanted if you were still here
I remember the last day when I kissed your face
I whispered in your ear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Out of this curtained room in this hospital
We'll just disappear
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?
What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?
And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?
But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
Come on baby with me
We're gonna fly away from here
You were my best four years
I remember your bare feet down the hallway
I love you to the moon and back
xoxo,
Malia
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