A Historical Day - learning to let grief in

Today is a day that will go down in history.

And no, it's not because one of my boys reached a milestone or because they listened to every single thing I asked of them.

But rather because it is inauguration day.

And I feel like every inauguration day is historical, but today feels exceptionally historical, one we will never ever forget.

This is a day that will be written about in the history books in the years to come.

This is a day that many will reflect back on in the years to come.

This is a day that will be filled with mourning and grieving.

And I need you to know that I mourn with you.

And as my son asked me to turn on worship music, then to turn up the music louder, I just started weeping.

And he asked me why I was sad, and I just responded by saying, I don't know.

And the truth is, I don't know why I'm weeping.

There are so many factors at play here, but I think I'm just learning to let grief in.

Maybe it's because we leave Monday for Ireland, and you better believe all those Irish folks are going to be asking me how this day even happened?

How did America get to the place where they could elect Trump as their president?

How does something like this even happen?

And the truth is, I don't know.

And maybe it's because whenever I'm there, I feel like I'm the red, white and blue ambassador, speaking on behalf of all things American.

And the truth is, when I'm distanced from my country, I'm able to see it all through a different lens, and sometimes I find myself trying to explain why it is we do the things we do even if I don't necessarily agree with it.

And the truth is, I don't know why we, Americans, do the things we do, or why we vote the way we do. 

And maybe it's because we're coming off of MLK day and I can't stop thinking about my Let us be Dissatisfied post, and I just finished reading Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates, and I dream of brighter days for my boys, and and I'm realizing we're still so far from it.

And maybe it’s because our Pastor preached about mourning and learning to let grief in last Sunday. And this week my eyes have been fully open to see all the grief and the mourning that surrounds me, whether that’s the mourning that comes with the job search and another closed door, or the mourning that comes with wanting to be married, or wanting to have children, or the mourning that comes with the loss of a loved one through either death or Alzheimer's, or the loss of a relationship, or just simply the loss of a dream.

And today, I think the mourning fully hit me and the tears just streamed down my face.

The truth is, mourning and grief surrounds us all. We cannot escape it. And I pray we have the eyes to see it all around us and the courage to enter into it with ourselves, with others, with our world.

The truth is, I don't know what the next 4 years hold. I don't know what tomorrow holds.

But I can tell you what I do know. 

I know that my hope is in Christ.

I know that His love never fails.

I know that it's His breath in my lungs.

I know that He is faithful.

I know that I'll continue to pour out my praise to Him even amidst the tears.

And this is my prayer for all of us.

May we come back to the simple things.

May we love deeply.

May we live fully.

May we grieve together and mourn together and shed tears together.

May we never forget that it is through this shedding of tears and sharing of hearts that Christ is glorified.

May we never forget that we are in this together and by the grace of God we are so much greater together.

May His presence reign over all the earth.

Grief and Sad Things.

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Yes, you read the title of this post right...I didn't know what else to title it so I thought I would just go with the truth and people are then free to choose whether or not they read it.  I thought about titling it Cancer simply because I was inspired to write this after I watched the Stand up 2 Cancer telethon show on one of the major TV networks, but I thought...this post is about so much more than just cancer.  This post is about grief and sad things...ultimately it's about the loss of a child.  Cancer is an ugly disease regardless of the age of the victim, but there is just something about pediatric cancer that tugs at my heart strings.  So without further ado...

Some of you may know that one of my biggest fears is that Peter will die before we have a chance to really live our lives together.  And I truly feel as though I have slowly been working through this and wrestling with this sense of entitlement that I have.  However, now that I'm pregnant, I have to admit that one of my most recent biggest fears is that my child will die before I do, and the catch is this fear is a reality for far MORE parents than it should be.  And my heart breaks just thinking about those parents that grieve the death of a child and my heart breaks at the reality of this possibility.  

And I can't help but think about this little being that is growing in my belly.  And I can't help but think about those women that miscarry or those women that have stillborns and literally have to give birth to a baby that isn't even breathing. Imagine that...finding out your pregnant, announcing the pregnancy, a growing belly, everyone knows and everyone is expecting a healthy, baby boy come baby boy's due date and lo and behold the Lord takes this child home early - far earlier than his mama ever wanted.  Or what about the little boy that is diagnosed with cancer at the age of two?  And then goes into remission only to discover a year or so later that the cancer is back in full force...imagine what it would be like to watch your son go through that.  Or imagine your 5 year old daughter being diagnosed with cancer when you are 7 months pregnant?  The grief...and the pain...and the sheer anger at the injustice of it all!  

These stories are real and these boys and girls and their parents have names.  And as I attempt to imagine the tremendous grief and the deep, deep pain, which I can't even do justice to, I can't help but think about this baby in my belly and I can't help but cry out to the Lord...HOW DARE YOU TAKE THIS BEING FROM ME!  How DARE you!  I mean doesn't he have a right to a full life?? Doesn't he have a right to experience the joys, the tears, the trials of living? Doesn't he have the right to fall in love, to get his heart broken, to have children of his own?  I mean don't I have the right to watch him grow older, to go through these various stages considering I'm the one who birthed him?  How dare you, God, even consider taking this child from me!  I mean doesn't he have the right to outlive me??    

And then I stop myself amidst the grief and the pain that I have completely played out in my mind, even though this child isn't even born yet, and I remind myself that this child wasn't mine to start with.  This child is a gift from God - He is the one that created him, that knit him together in my womb - and He can take him whenever he chooses, but can I honestly say that I truly believe this? And when all is said and done, and if something tragic were to happen, would I not cry out to God ...how dare you?? Would I truly come to him with open arms and thank him for taking my child from me far earlier than I would have ever desired?  Of course not - I would grieve...I would be angry, this I know, but I also know that in time He would heal my heart and in Him I would find hope - hope for the future, hope from His comfort and His plans.  God is good and His love endures forever, even amidst the tragedies, but it's so hard to remember this when you are just wrecked with grief.

via pinterest

Tears stream down my face as I even type this post, and my heart breaks at the what ifs, the could bes, and I can't help but think about those families that are near and dear to me who have gone beyond the what ifs to the what IS. They have grieved, and one child lost the cancer battle, while the other one conquered it.  

The reality is that at some point in our lives we will experience some form of grief, if we haven't already,...this I can count on and it may or may not be due to cancer.  I can guarantee that someone you know has been touched by cancer in some way, whether that be an aunt, a grandparent, a friend, a child, or maybe even you.  And the question is...how did you handle this grief?  Or how will you handle it in the future?  Will you turn toward God or will you turn away from Him?  

Anyhow, enough sadness for one post.  I won't force you to read anymore, but I wanted to end this post with a song that Taylor Swift wrote for a 4 year old boy called Ronan who passed away from a battle with cancer in 2011.  She wrote the single after reading a blog from Ronan's mother who helped Taylor write the song, and she performed this song during the Stand up 2 Cancer telethon.  

I remember your bare feet down the hallway

I remember your little laugh

Race cars on the kitchen floor

Plastic dinosaurs, I love you to the moon and back

I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own 

secret club

I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking 

me up

I can still feel you hold my hand

Little man, from even that moment I knew

You fought it hard like an army guy

Remember I leaned in and whispered to you

Chorus:

Come on baby with me 

We're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

I remember the drive home when the blind hope

Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?"

Flowers piled up in the worst way

No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died

And it's about to be Halloween 

You could be anything you wanted if you were still here

I remember the last day when I kissed your face

I whispered in your ear

Come on baby with me 

We're gonna fly away from here

Out of this curtained room in this hospital

We'll just disappear

Come on baby with me

We're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

What if I'm standing in your closet trying to talk to you?

What if I kept the hand me downs you won't grow into?

And what if I really thought some miracle would see us through?

But what if the miracle was even getting one moment with you

Come on baby with me

We're gonna fly away from here

Come on baby with me 

We're gonna fly away from here

You were my best four years

I remember your bare feet down the hallway

I love you to the moon and back

xoxo, 

Malia