I started writing this post during my antepartum stay in the hospital, pre-baby arrival, but I thought I would finish it and share what was on my heart during those final days. So here goes...
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Please note everything is just fine...so no need to panic, but I just wanted to share some thoughts. Lately or maybe I should say last week, I had a moment where I cried. I have been crying alot lately - I suppose I am starting to see a pattern to my tears. I am emotional, and I suppose this is normal right? But I just started to realize that this was it.
From this moment on things were going to be different.
It would never again be just the two of us.
We would soon be a family of three, not just a family of two.
And if I'm honest, I grieve, I mourn. It is an end of an era.
I will no longer be just Malia Drennan, wife...I will now be Malia Drennan, wife, and mom. Am I ready for this new role? How will this new role affect my role as a wife? I grieve, I mourn.
And if I'm honest, I always go through a grieving process when I enter into a new stage. I grieve the old life before the new one has even begun. I churn things around in my heart and in my mind, and I have to process it all before it even starts. I want to talk about it and I want to truly feel it and experience every single bit of the grieving process. And then I move on, and I embrace the next stage wholeheartedly, yet I always grieve.
And I remember going through a mourning process before I got married and before I started my new job, thus it was only natural that I would go through this same process before a baby enters our family and our home. I grieve the end of an era...what I am leaving behind whether that be living with my best girl friends and having someone honestly tell me what outfit and earrings they like best, or whether that be working with some of my dearest friends and once again having someone honestly tell me what outfit and this time, hairstyle, they like best. I grieve. I mourn. That's what I do.
So yes, even though I am extremely excited about little buddy joining our family, I am grieving. Everything as I know it is going to change. Our lives are going to change - how can they not right? Movie nights and restaurant outings are going to look very different. Our home is going to look very different. Time with friends is going to look very different. I suppose I am mourning the independence, the freedom, the spontaneity of just leaving the house whenever and going wherever at the drop of a hat. And I know different is good, and change is always for the better, but whoever said change was easy. It's always good, but it's never easy...at least that's the case for me.
And don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being married just as much as I'm sure I'll love being a mom and a family of three, but I can't lie. I am grieving...I am mourning, but I am also filled with sheer joy, excitement and tremendous anticipation.
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And I couldn't post this without posting an update along with it! And I can honestly say, I have come through this mourning stage, and I am embracing this new role of a mother wholeheartedly. And my heart aches every single time I see my husband with our little guy...and we truly can't imagine our lives without him in it. And I am still filled with sheer joy, excitement and tremendous anticipation for what is to come.
So now that you have heard from me...I would love to hear from some of you! Moms/Moms to be...does any of this sound familiar? Have you gone through anything like this??
xoxo,
Malia and LB
My friend shared this on facebook, and I plan to do the same, but I wanted to give some input too.
ReplyDeleteIt's odd, I've done a little of this, but not to the point of noticing so much...until I was about to have my second child.
While I was laying in bed with my daughter after church, while in labor, before taking a nap, I cried...like really cried. I would no longer spend all my time on my beautiful little girl, but instead would have to share that time with our handsome little boy. It was so weird feeling that way when we were all excited to be adding him to our family.
I still look back at the days of having only one child and I feel bad for crying because of what our son has done for this family.