Ryan's Birth Story.

So I sit here at the hospital yet again. However, this time it's Ryan lying in the hospital bed. Oh how I wish it were the other way around. But this just means I get a chance to sit down and write about Ryan's entrance into this world! And considering the child is over a month old, let's see how much I actually remember.

I'm going to try my best to put myself back into that hospital room as I attempt to relive the days leading up to his arrival.

And I am warning you now, it is long, very long. I considered breaking it into two parts but I couldn't bring myself to do that.

This is Ryan's birth story.

***

On Saturday, December 13th, I went into the hospital for a non-stress test. It was around 1:30 pm. I figured I'd be home in an hour or so. I even posted something on Instagram accompanied by the photo below that said this... "At the hospital for the last non stress test. Can't believe the next time I come back here I'll be leaving with a little person. Eek! Can't wait to meet him. So excited and also slightly terrified."

Little did I know when I wrote that that I wouldn't be leaving the hospital until after our little person arrived.

So after an hour or so of being on the monitor the nurse came in and informed me that they weren't getting as many heart decelerations and accelerations as they would like and they wanted to monitor him for longer. His heartbeat looked steady, but he just wasn't moving a whole lot.

And so it began.

The nurse kept coming in to say ...and it's just going to be a bit longer, and a bit longer, and a bit longer and before I knew it 2 more hours had passed. While lying on that hospital bed, I just kept thinking I'm not going to go home. I'm going to end up staying here until I have a baby. 

And I started thinking about all the things I hadn't done. I had yet to pack my hospital bag. Doh! You would think I would have learned from my first experience right? Nope. I mean I was thinking I still had a few more days. I hadn't even showered that morning let alone the day before! I didn't get a chance to truly enjoy my last night at home without a new baby or a day to just love on Jack as my only. I didn't get a chance to grieve going from a family of three to a family of four. I know it may sound strange, but it's just what I do...I have to have my time to grieve the old stage before I can fully enter into a new stage in my life.

Anyhow, I was right, and eventually they did inform me that I wouldn't be going home. And somewhere in there they also informed me that Ryan had had a few major heart decelerations and they may end up doing an emergency c-section if they continued. WHAT????? Don't you dare drop that C word unless you are serious about it as Peter and I started to panic thinking what happened to our hopes for a vaginal birth? If I have an emergency c-section, will there be time for Peter to be there? What do we do about Jack?  Blah, blah blah...but none of those fears became a reality. Praise the Lord!

Let's just say I never would have envisioned Ryan's birth story would even start off somewhat similar to his brother's with a prolonged hospital stay for mama. But I suppose the similarities truly end there.

They did an ultrasound on me that night to figure out what was going on - to check my fluid levels and his movements, heart rate, etc, and he didn't score as well on the ultrasound as they would have liked him to. The Dr. that was there was inclined to start the induction process that evening. I, on the other hand, was not. I was extremely sick with a cold and a cough that I can finally say after two months I have beaten. So the thought of having a baby through all of that was something I wasn't looking forward to.

I asked the nurse...so at what stage do you consult my own Dr? And before I knew it my phone was ringing and my Dr. was on the other end. She said, you have two options, you can start the induction process now or we can start you on fluids and maybe those fluids will help the both of you seeing as you are really sick.

I figured I had nothing to lose right? So fluids it was, along with constant monitoring, and the next morning at 8 AM we did another ultrasound. During that ultrasound, I found myself willing him to move his hands and to move his bum within the 30 minute time frame, but alas he didn't move his hands. The results were more or less the same, but my fluid levels were even lower this time around.

And with the new day came a new Dr., and this one was just as interested as the first in starting the induction process straight away.

I on the other hand was not, as I knew once we started it there would be no stopping it. And I didn't want to start anything until my parents had arrived at our house to watch Jack, allowing Peter to finally make his debut at the hospital. And I really wanted to take a shower before the whole show began. It was all just a waiting game.

And begin it did at 2 PM on Sunday, after I had showered and once Peter showed up. I was dilated to a 1 to start with and Ryan's head was super low, think I was at a 0 station, and my cervix was really thin, but I can't remember the effacement.

And somewhere in there my own Dr. called to talk with me about how I was feeling with starting the induction process a few days sooner than we had discussed, which simply meant she wouldn't be there for any of it, considering she wasn't on call nor was it her day to be at the hospital.

Anyhow, to start the induction process, the Dr. put a cook balloon catheter in, which you leave in for 12 hours unless it falls out beforehand. The hope is that after 12 hours you would be dilated to a 4. If I'm honest, this Dr. was skeptical about it working on me and even went so far as to inform me of her skepticism. Let's just say, we didn't get started off on the right foot seeing as my Dr. had said the very opposite thing the week before declaring that my cervix was extremely favorable and that this catheter thing would be extremely effective.

The Dr. informed Peter and I of her plan. She would put the catheter in, and then take it out around 2 AM (after 12 hours) and then start me on pitocin around 6 AM if I hadn't progressed on my own from 2-6 AM.

The husband stepped in and said, "Uhh aren't there other options we can try first besides pitocin? What about breaking her water?"

And the Dr. said, "Well, I guess that's an option, but it may not be effective and will probably take longer, and once we break her water, we are on a time crunch."

And Peter kindly said, "Well aren't we on a time crunch anyways? I mean this baby is coming out sometime in the next few days regardless of what we do here."

And the Dr., slightly reluctantly, agreed to the plan.

I was so thankful Peter spoke up and so thankful that our OWN Dr. had discussed the induction plan with us at our appointment the week before, which involved the catheter and breaking my water and using pitocin as a last resort. I was trying to avoid having a c-section and one of the risks with pitocin is a higher c-section rate. And my hope was to labor as long as I could without an epidural, and I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle the pain of pitocin induced contractions. And my Dr. had informed us that she didn't think I would need pitocin and that breaking my water would most likely do the trick!

We felt so very educated going into all of this even though our own Dr. wasn't in charge of our care.

Anyhow, in went the catheter and the contractions began.

For some reason the contractions weren't registering on the monitor, and the nurses and Dr. had to keep asking me if I was having any contractions, and I kept declaring to them, yes, yes I am! I remember being so frustrated that they weren't showing up as I was certain what I was feeling were contractions. I mean if they weren't contractions, then I didn't know what they were!

The pain from those contractions is all relative and unremarkable now when I think back to the pain I experienced later the next day. However, I do recall the nurse asking me about my pain levels sometime over that time period, and I remember declaring that my pain was an 8. I also remember telling her it was all relative and that I was simply basing it off of what I had experienced thus far, and that I was certain my pain scale would change as labor progressed. And it most certainly did.

However, as I listened to worship music, rocked in my chair, drank my hot tea and breathed through the beginning stages of contractions, I just kept thinking, this is only the beginning! The best (worst) has yet to come. 

Let's just say my Dr. was right, and around 1:30 AM I got up to go to the bathroom, and something fell into the toilet. It was the catheter. so we paged the Dr. and she came in to check my cervix and I was actually dilated to a 5. She was extremely surprised, and I know it may sound rude, but I literally thought...TAKE THAT DR! Haha!

The plan was to check me again around 6 AM and at that time she would break my water.

And with 6 AM came the breaking of my water and the arrival of my dear friend Erin, who just so happens to be a trained doula.

And at 6 AM I was still 5 cm.

Erin showed up at the hospital with all sorts of tools and gadgets and so many words of encouragement. She strapped the TENS unit on my back straight away and my love affair with that thing soon began.

What is this tens thing you ask? Well it works by sending stimulating pulses across the surface of the skin and along the nerve strands, and then these stimulating pulses help prevent pain signals from reaching the brain. And when you feel a contraction coming on you push this little button to determine how strong you want the pulses to be. Let's just say I started off strong and never left that place. And I was addicted to this thing. I even got a little anxious about taking a bath/shower because it meant I would have to take that thing off my back. And I wondered how I would handle the contractions without it. More than anything it just served as a distraction from the pain that came with each contraction.

To be honest, everything after this is a bit of a blur. And the sequence of events is all mixed up in my head.

But you better believe I remember the pain.

I tried anything and everything in hopes that I would either forget about the pain or at least be able to manage it.

I tried lying down on the bed.

I took a shower.

And then I took a bath.

I tried sitting on the birthing ball.

I tried kneeling down and having my upper body over the birthing ball.

I tried sitting in the rocking chair.

I tried going for a walk around the childbirth center.

I tried moving around the room.

I tried a hot pack.

I tried a cold pack.

But the only thing that brought some relief was hitting that button on my tens unit and staying close to the bed. I just wanted to stand next to the bed and lean on it for support. I didn't want to venture away from that bed, and you better believe I was hollering at Peter every single time I felt a contraction waiting for his hands to connect with my back. The poor guy couldn't get a break!

 

And the Dr. came in around 10 AM and checked me and I was only 6 cm. I'm pretty sure I had progressed in other areas, maybe at this stage I was at a +2 station, his head was so low the entire course of labor, I can't remember when it fully dropped, but I do know it was early on in the game. And my cervix was really thin, let's say 80% effaced.

And the contractions continued. Erin encouraged me to stay on top of the pain, but I just couldn't. I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to not be in labor anymore. And I couldn't stop the tears from flowing! The contractions hurt so bad.

I remember the pain. I remember just how tired I was from no sleep over the past two nights. I  remember just how sick I was with my terrible cough and congestion. I remember how everyone kept trying to get me to eat and drink, especially my darling nurse Seon. I remember thinking that the last thing I wanted to do was take the time to put anything in my mouth. But somehow they got me to consume some chicken broth and some crackers.

Around 12:30, the Dr. checked me again, and I remember Erin asking if she could check me standing up as I was in alot of pain. I think we had just attempted to have me lie on the bed through a contraction and it was not successful, hence the request. But the Dr simply stated, get on the bed and I'll check you when you're lying down.

Not much had changed, I was at a +2 station, and maybe 90% effaced, but I was still only 6 cm, maybe close to 7 she said, but not quite there.

And by this stage I was done. I was so discouraged after hearing that news. I had been experiencing hardcore contractions now for at least 6 hours and I had only dilated 1 cm in that time frame.

Shortly after, I declared to Peter and Erin that I wanted the drugs. Give me the epidural. I remember stating that I wanted the next four hours to be enjoyable, and THIS was not enjoyable, as tears streamed down my cheeks. I remember telling them that I would NOT be disappointed in myself or this birth story if I got an epidural, but I would be disappointed if I ended up with a c-section. I remember being in awe of my friends that had done this without drugs and asking the question to my friend Erin, how did you do this? I understand the pain is a little different when your body goes into labor all on it's own accord rather than when you're induced, but still!

I remember my Dr. coming in to visit right around when I started tossing around the idea of an epidural. I think it was about 1 PM. She simply asked me what they had already asked me, "Are you sure you want the epidural?" And I told her everything I had already told Peter and Erin. And she said well, let's check you again, and you can take it from there and I just nodded my head in agreement and hung onto the side of the bed for dear life as I breathed through another contraction. And she just walked over to me, bent down on the ground and checked me while I was hanging onto the side of the bed. Gosh I love that woman!

And I was still only 6 cm.

She said, "I know we talked about your interest in having an unmedicated birth, but I also know that it wasn't something you had your heart set on. I need you to know that it will probably happen fast as you have been hovering at 6/7 cm for hours now, but if you want to get the epidural, then by all means get the epidural."

Going into all of this, I thought I would be one to watch the clock during contractions, but I couldn't even bring myself to look up at the clock let alone open my eyes. Maybe it wouldn't have been a bad idea to have a timer or a stop watch or something? As I wasn't entirely in tune with how far apart my contractions really were or how long they were actually lasting. I just knew that I wanted the pain to stop and I wanted the contractions to end.

However, the only time I watched the clock was when I finally asked for the epidural around 2 PM and they said the anesthesiologist would be there in 20 minutes. Well let me tell you the first thing I thought was okay that's like 5 more contractions because at the time I was thinking my contractions were like 5 minutes apart, I had no idea. I soon realized that they were only 2-3 minutes apart. So it was actually 10 more contractions! I wanted to cry...and I think I did actually, or maybe I already was crying? Anyhow, eventually that 20 minutes turned into 45. And I started to panic.

 And the tears streamed down my cheeks.



When you get to that place where you want the drugs...you want the drugs NOW and you don't want to have to wait. That was the longest wait ever!

The anesthesiologist finally arrived around 3 PM. And I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, and she's telling me to hold still and curve my back like a shrimp, and I'm having contractions and I'm crying. And my nurse is trying to reassure me. And the anesthesiologist is telling me to bend over even further and I'm telling her that there's a baby bump in the way, and she kindly says you're skinny, you can do it, and I'm kindly telling her that I can't. And I remember thinking, once she gets it in then it will be smooth sailing and I will finally experience some relief. And I won't feel a thing. Right?

WRONG!! I was still having to breathe through every single contraction. And the pain on my right side was unbearable. I remember thinking, people are able to rest and fall asleep, how is that even possible? I'm still in so much pain!

So she took everything out and started all over again. I think they may have checked my cervix to see if I had dilated further before she began her second attempt. And she had me bend over again and we went through the same dialogue again of her telling me that I'm skinny, I can bend like a shrimp. However, this time I just remained quiet and bent over at the belly as best I could.

And I could still feel the horrendous pain with each contraction, and I was still crying. And the anesthesiologist said, "Well I'm not doing it a third time! It just might not work on her." Ehh...what?? I never would have envisioned that being part of this birth story, and thank goodness it wasn't! After she cranked up my dose, I began to feel some relief. My left side was completely numb, but I could definitely still feel each contraction on my right side and sleeping was completely out of the question. (Peter said this whole epidural part was the hardest part for him to witness as the anesthesiologist was so flustered and I was in so much pain)

At around 3:30/4 pm, I was finally able to move away from my standing position beside the bed and actually lie down in the bed. It was glorious! And you better believe that the next four hours were way more enjoyable than the previous four! Peter was able to sit down and read a magazine and I was able to have a conversation with Erin. It was glorious - and I think my husband would say the same.

My own Dr. came to visit soon after I got the epidural, and let's just say I was a different person.What do you think? She said she would try to come back to the hospital for the birth if she could. And she was so excited to tell me that the Dr. that would be working that night and delivering baby Ryan just so happened to be one of her dearest friends, Dr. McLean. She gave us some background on her friend, and started off by saying she lives in Tanzania and works for the Lake Tanganyika Floating Health Clinic. She basically works and lives on a boat that provides medical services to those living in villages surrounding Lake Tanganyika. I was confused, and said she lives in Tanzania? But she's here now? Turns out she was just visiting for the holidays and she had picked up a few shifts while she was home! 

You could tell from the praises my Dr. was singing her that she really admired and respected her, and I felt blessed and reassured that she such a dear friend of my Dr.'s would be there for the birth moment, especially if my own Dr. couldn't. I remember my Dr. saying, just tell her you want the Ali Lewis birth experience, she'll know what that means! I had felt so unsettled the past few days in regards to my care by the Drs. that were working, and after talking to Dr. Lewis, I just felt a huge wave of peace wash over me. And I thought, Thank you Jesus!

And I think my nurse or the Dr. checked me soon after around 4 and I was at a 7, and little Ryan's head was as low as it could possibly go. It hurt so bad. Yes, even with the epidural.

And then around 7 or so I had to say bye to my nurse, the one that had been with me for the past 12 hours! Sad times I tell ya! Her name was Seon and turns out she had been a midwife in Korea for 25 years before she came to the states. She was the best, and I just kept thinking, I can't believe she's not going to be there for the best part - the birth! She had seen the worst of me and the best of me that day. And before she left she asked us where we went to church and we talked about our church families and our faith. I turned to Peter later and said how did she know we went to church? And he said, well we have been blasting worship music all day! Bless that woman - she was such a blessing to me. (She even called the next day to check on me and the baby!!) Thank you Jesus for this woman!

And then around 7:30 I said I feel like I have to poop. Little did I know that means you are ready to push, and lo and behold, I was complete. And ready to push, but we were waiting on the Dr. as she was in another room delivering another baby.

But before the next adventure began, I turned to Peter and Erin and asked, "Can we say a prayer?"

And pray we did. I just remember bawling my eyes out. I was just so overwhelmed with thankfulness and gratitude to the Lord for this new experience. What a privilege it is to be pregnant, and what a privilege it is to labor and experience contractions, and what an even greater privilege it is to have a new story. It all just felt so surreal.

I just kept thinking about those mamas out there that labor for so long only to be told that they are going to have a c-section. I just kept thinking about how devastating that news must be! And I think I thought that was going to be me, right up until I started pushing and his head began to exit my body.

Anyhow, I started pushing around 8:15 PM. I think my contractions were about 5 minutes apart at this stage. It's so interesting how they slow down. And they had me push with each contraction, and I think after the first pushing session, the nurses declared, we can see his head! And I cried, and said can I touch it? (Too much information? I'm sorry, but it was the coolest thing ever!!) I just remember being in awe that I was going to push this baby out of me. And shocked that he was going to come out of my vagina! (again too much information? Again, I'm sorry!)

And push I did with all my might, but it was hard. Even with an epidural. Not only was I an emotional mess but I was still so sick. I just remember telling the nurses I'm having a hard time breathing, and I was having coughing fits. Good thing all the nurses and the Dr. were wearing masks or else I would have been coughing right in their faces. They kept apologizing for the fact that I was having to go through all of this as sick as I was. Such is life right?

And through it all, the nurses just kept saying, I'm so excited for you and so proud of you as so many of them already knew our story - that our first was born early and via a c-section and that this new baby was 38 weeks and that we were hoping for a vaginal birth, and they could see for themselves that it was going to be successful! Thank you Jesus for the nurses!

I should mention now that the husband was a full participant. He was up by my head holding on to one leg, while a nurse held onto the other. I think he saw way more than he ever imagined he would. We had no idea what to expect! I mean we had never done this before. They have a sheet up for a c-section! Thank you Jesus for my husband.

Anyhow, I was getting tired and my momentum was slowing down. So Erin gave me this giant piece of fabric (I'm sure it has a fancy name) to grab hold of while she grabbed the other end. And it was just the assistance I needed and provided the right amount of tension to push this baby out. I think I pushed just two more times and he was out. Thank you Jesus for Erin's support and encouragement!

And on Monday, December 15th, at 8:59 PM, after 45 minutes of pushing and after 38 weeks of carrying this little person, I met our second born, Ryan Alexander Drennan.

He was placed immediately on my chest, and I held him while I cried and while the  Dr. stitched me up and while I asked her about life in Tanzania. Everyone started guessing how much he weighed, and I was extremely curious myself. So I passed him off to one of the nurses, and she declared he was 5 lbs 11 oz and 18.5 inches long.

I never would have envisioned this would be his birth story 38 weeks prior, but it is. Thank you Jesus.

Six weeks later, I am shocked at how smooth my recovery has been. The VBAC was definitely more painful and it took longer than the c-section, but for me, it was so much easier to recover from! Everyone kept asking me how I was doing down there. And I felt guilty for saying that I felt great. This recovery felt easy, but I suppose it's all relative. I just remember after the c-section, nearly fainting in the bathroom from the pain as I tried to sit down on the toilet. And I remember the pain every single time I did anything that used my abdominal muscles. It hurt every single time I sat up/sat down and every single time I laughed. This time around my pain killers consisted of Ibuprofen rather than oxycodone - that alone should tell you something about my pain level. I couldn't have imagined going through the c-section recovery again with a toddler. And I'm so thankful that I didn't have to.

When I arrived at the hospital on Saturday for the non-stess test, I honestly had no idea I wasn't going to be leaving, let alone coming home with a baby on Monday! I was not prepared physically, mentally, or emotionally for what was to happen considering I thought we had a few more days. I didn’t get to grieve or get too emotional over the fact that our family was growing from three to four. And I didn't even have a hospital bag packed yet again.

And the thing is none of that mattered.

I do find it slightly amusing and ironic that I landed myself in the hospital days before the birth of both my babies. This birth was definitely less dramatic than the first, but dramatic nonetheless. I thought I had a few more nights in my own bed, and a few more solo moments with Jack, and a few more moments with my baby bump before the induction process was scheduled to begin Wednesday night, but alas, I was wrong.

The lesson God keeps teaching me over and over again, especially when it comes to these babies birth stories, is this: I am not in control, He is.

And even the full term, vaginal delivery baby can land himself in the NICU.

Again, I am not in control, He is.

May I continue to remember this and may I live a life with my palms pointed upward, never forgetting that these children He has blessed me with are truly His.

Here's to a different experience, a different doctor, a different baby, and a different birth story.

But the same God, in the words of my mother-in-law. So very true.