Dear Ryan,
When I took you in for your 4 month checkup a few weeks ago, your Dr. asked me how I was doing, and I said we're doing great as I nuzzled your nose. She replied, you are just smitten with him...and I paused and said...you're right I am. And then I went on to explain, feeling like I needed to justify myself. Well maybe it's because the firstborn's at home with the grandparents and it's just you and me at this appointment, which makes it a whole lot easier for me to focus on you then if the firstborn was there. These moments alone with you are so sweet and so incredibly rare...and I told her that. And of course I had to add in there ...and, I'm the second born. So I get it.
So maybe I have a special affinity for you? Or a soft spot you might say? Or maybe I know just how fast the time goes, seeing as this is the second time around. The days sure seem long sometimes, but the years are so short. And in the big scheme of things, these sweet baby moments disappear in a blink of an eye and in a matter of moments (okay..more like months and years) that baby goes from a little thing that is more or less motionless to a giant crazy child who is always in motion. So much happens that first year! And I don't want to miss it. This I know now.
And yes, you may be the second born, which realistically means I don't have all the time for you that I had with your brother, but if I'm honest, I'm a better version of myself now, because of that first born. I'm a better me...a better wife...a better mom now than I was when your brother was born, and for that I'm sure you're thankful! I leave dishes in the sink, clean laundry in the basket, bags unpacked, and I just sit and stare and delight in you. And I look forward to those moments when you're hungry and I get to curl up with you on the bed and just stare into your eyes and cuddle you while you nurse and pull on my hair and pat my chest, while we escape that crazy toddler even if it's for just a moment.
This truly is the life. And this is my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way. And the Dr. was right...I am smitten with you.
I love you so much sweet boy.
Xoxo,
Mama
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