Pruning Branches

I'm all for growth and putting myself in situations where I'll be refined. I love the idea of transformation and refinement in the hopes that I'll become a better version of myself, a version that more glorifies and honors the Lord. I'm all for chipping away and pruning the bits that don't honor and glorify Him, but let me tell you I had NO idea just how many bits needed cutting and pruning until I had kids.

See, I thought being married was the ultimate act of refinement. We fully believe that God has called us to speak truth to each other, to sharpen each other, to say the things we may not want to hear. And for that I'm thankful. I'm thankful that we believe God has called us to make each other holy, rather than happy, and for us that holiness leads to happiness.

And because of that accountability and that refinement and that desire to glorify God with our lives and with the way we treat each other, our love and appreciation for each other has deepened.

And when I do something to dishonor my husband, when I raise my voice at him, or when I'm short with him, or when I nag him about something, or when I'm just downright mean, he can call me out on that. And let me tell you, he sure doesn't shy away from doing that! Sometimes I wish he would haha!

But it wasn't an easy road for us to get to that place. See, raising my voice aka yelling is my M.O. Or it use to be? At least I'd like to think I've conquered that part of myself in my marriage (obviously still working on that in other areas of my life as you'll soon read), but I suppose I should probably ask my husband for the truth. I still have my moments where the conversation escalates, but they don't happen nearly as often as they did in our dating relationship, and sometimes it's not me that escalates it, and sometimes I even find myself saying to my husband...why are you yelling at me? This was definitely something I NEVER would have said 10 years ago but it was most definitely something he would have said to me.

And all I can say here is...Thank you Jesus for this growth and transformation that has happened in my spirit over the last 10 years. Thank you for pruning me and refining me in ways I never even thought possible. Thank you for opening my eyes to a new way of communicating in my marriage, a way that is respectful and honoring and glorifying not only to my husband, but also to You.

And that's my marriage.

And then we had kids.

And as I already shared, in the season prior to having kids, God had taken away the branches that were not bearing fruit and pruned the ones that were, so I figured he was done with me right? I figured I'd mastered the raising my voice thing, and I now find sick pleasure in keeping my cool in an argument. In my marriage.

The parenting side of me is a whole different story.

I don't understand why this area of refinement in my marriage hasn't seeped into every aspect of my life. Why is it okay for me to raise my voice at my littles but it's not okay for me to raise my voice at my husband? Is it because when I raise my voice at my husband, he calls me out on it? And when I raise my voice with my littles, or when I'm short with them, or when I'm just downright mean, they don't call me out on it. Sometimes I wish they would, as it would probably force me to get my act together quicker, but because they don't, I have to take the time to notice their body language and their emotional response to my tone and my attitude. And that's hard.

And some days I feel like I've spent the entire day refereeing and raising my voice. And although my kids most certainly aren't angels, I can choose how I respond to their actions. I can remain calm or I can raise my voice. And let's just say me yelling at them does not help the situation one bit, in fact it most likely makes it worse, especially when Jack just laughs in my face or heaven forbid yells back. And the remorse I feel after doing so is hard. And that remorse digs a little deeper into my soul when Jack says to his dada that mama wasn't being very nice. There's so much truth in that little boys words. I really wasn't being very nice.

And in those moments when I raise my voice, dishonoring my children and dishonoring God, I catch a glimpse of my former self, the one I've tried so hard NOT to be. And I don't like what I see. I don't want to be her anymore.

And in those moments when I choose to remain calm, I feel like such a warrior, having gone to battle with my old ways, my old self, and I catch a glimpse of my new self. And I like what I see. I want to be her. And in these moments I see the growth, I see the cutting of the branches and the pruning of others. 

Each day I pray for God to take away every branch in me that does not bear fruit and to prune the branches so that the ones that do bear fruit can be even more fruitful (John 15:2). 

I hope and pray that this cutting away and pruning will continue, and that somehow by the grace of God I will bear fruit. 
  
I hope and pray that God will be honored and glorified through me, through the words I speak to my littles and through the way those words are spoken to them. 

And I hope and pray that He will continue to open my eyes to a different way of communicating in my parenting, a way that is respectful and honoring and glorifying not only to my children, but also to Him.

I long to raise up little people that will honor and glorify God with their lives and with their words, and when I dishonor Him (and them) with the way I speak and with the way I treat my littles, what kind of example am I setting?