Living in the Tension

So we've been back from Ireland for 6 weeks now, and I'm finally getting around to sitting down to write.

That journey home feels like such a blur. Kind of reminds me of childbirth, the farther away you are from the trauma, the less you remember and the more you want to do it all over again! My hats off to all of you who travel internationally with young children (read my post about it)! All I can say is wow. This isn't our first rodeo, but still...wow. I'm thinking it's easier now that they're a bit older - 2 and 4, and I'm thinking it's going to get even easier as they get older? Right?

What a blessed time it was! We were there for my sister in law's wedding and we officially welcomed Murphy Okuonghae into the Drennan fold. Murphy's originally from Nigeria, but he was given an Irish name at birth. I suppose he was destined to end up in Dublin and married to an Irish woman. God is so faithful and so good.  

And I just have to say I think this most recent trip to Ireland was our best trip yet. I don't think either of us could really tell you why exactly, but it just was. The time together was so incredibly rich and so good. So many good conversations were had with each other and with others. And I always learn so much about myself and my husband when we're there, and I love that.

But I find that EVERY single time we journey to the Emerald Isle, my Irish husband and I always have a conversation, quite often initiated and led by me, about how I don't fit in there, how I'm different, how I'll never fit into the Irish culture, and it always ends with the husband stating that he too feels like he doesn't fit in there anymore nor does he feel like he fully fits in in the states. It's always such a hard conversation to have, an emotional one, that lends itself to tears and the baring of souls, but it's always so very good as we figure out how to live in the tension of it all.

And quite often this conversation happens at the halfway point of our trip. I spend the first half adjusting to the time difference and the culture. I find myself disengaging and holding back as I navigate how exactly my Americanisms fit into the fold of the Irish culture, while watching my husband wrestle with living in the tension of his Irish family and his American one.

And then a week in, I have my identity crisis and my emotional breakdown about how I'm different, which then leads me to question who am I apart from my culture? Am I the way I am because of my culture? Or am I the way I am because God created me this way? And how am I living into the woman God has called me to be right at this moment in time, in this culture that is different than mine?

And once I ask myself that last question, I'm able to fully engage, and fully be me, which simply means my curiosity runs rampant, and you better be ready and willing to receive (and hopefully answer) alot of questions about yourself, your relationships, your family, your culture, your faith. 

And I don't know if anyone else notices this, but I do. I can feel it in my heart. The first week, I navigate culture, I navigate how I fit into it and I question if I fit into it, and the second week, I embrace the fact that I don't and I never will and I'm okay with that. I am different, and I will forever be different, and I embrace that difference.

And I think I'm getting better at embracing it earlier on and engaging sooner. Maybe it doesn't take me a week anymore? Maybe it's less. I hope it's less because the benefits of that engagement are so good and the conversations so rich. And I see that now, and maybe that's why our time there was so good this trip.

I think we're getting better at living in the tension, at finding the beauty in the tension, at bringing others into that tension. And I always leave feeling as though I have a better understanding of myself, my husband, his family, his culture, and our God.

And I just left there so thankful for my family, for the cross cultural marriages on both sides that provide me with so much insight into the world that surrounds me and grants me such a richer perspective of life and culture and opens my eyes to see how we're shaped by it.

When Peter and I were married 7.5 years ago, I never would have dreamed that anyone else in the family would be living in this same tension and walking the path of a cross cultural marriage, but here we are, and we're 3 for 3 (3 people married and all 3 marriages are cross cultural - Irish/Nigerian, American/Colombian, Irish/American)!

And yes, this cross cultural marriage thing is beautiful, but it's hard... I'm not going to lie. And it's sad to always have someone coming and going and to have goodbyes and see you laters be a part of your everyday life, and I know what that sacrifice looks like firsthand but when God calls you to someone you hold fast to that call and you respond in obedience and the joy is simply indescribable. And it's such a blessing to see how God has already used our cross cultural marriage and the lessons learned about each other and our cultures to minister to the heart of our siblings and their spouses.

And as we wrestle with the way we've been changed and transformed by our life experiences, by the meshing of cultures, by our cross cultural marriage, and as we wrestle with where we fit and if we will ever fully fit in anywhere, and as we navigate how to live in that tension, we are reminded that this place is not our home.

Heaven is our home

And that is where we fit. And there is so much freedom and so much peace in that.

He is good. He is faithful, and my life is forever richer for my marriage, for the combining of cultures.

And I will be forever grateful for the gift and the reminder that we are ALL called to live in the tension of cultures, of Heaven and Earth.