Confession

I have a confession to make, and no this isn't a confession from a shopaholic or anything like that, but more of a confession from the heart, one that kind of breaks my heart a little to be honest. But it's true and real and hard to share as it just feels like too much truth, like a true window into the current state of my 25 week pregnant heart.

And without further ado, and as I take a big breath, here goes.

Last weekend I went to a consignment sale, and I picked up a few things for Jack and Ryan, and at the end of my search I ventured to the baby section to see what types of things I could find for baby brother.

And as I searched the racks of tiny clothes, I thought to myself, should I even bother buying anything? This thought did not come from a place of oh, we have enough stuff. I mean we have two boys already, and I am not opposed to hand me downs. But rather from a place of but what if this baby dies too? What if I buy these things and he doesn't even get a chance to wear them? What if he dies in utero? Or what if he dies 10 days after birthing him like another baby I know? What if he doesn't live to the 3 month mark to wear these brand new clothes?

And like I've said before, pregnancy after a loss is the strangest thing. After our miscarriage, I was blown away by others vulnerability and willingness to share their own stories of loss, but I think it's almost jaded me, or made me more aware of the realities of infant loss, or made me hold this growing baby even more loosely that I would have had I not experienced my own loss?

And the truth is, this baby could die. I know it sounds so morbid, but it's the truth. But I never once thought of that as an option with my first two pregnancies, it never even crossed my mind. I just assumed everything would turn out fine and whenever God willed it, I'd meet them and hold them in my arms, and that would be our story.

But this baby's story is already so different, and everything about this pregnancy feels so different. I'm 25 weeks and my placenta is anterior, which means baby is kicking against a pillow. So I don't feel much movement which is just the strangest thing as I could feel both Jack and Ryan super early on, like 17/18 weeks early on. But every pregnancy is different this I know, and I'm trying really hard not to compare this pregnancy to my others, but it's hard. And I think the placenta placement and the inability to feel a ton of movement has led me to have these thoughts of loss.

Yesterday, I had a Dr's appointment and as I drove to the appointment, I literally thought to myself, how do I tell Peter if baby doesn't have a heartbeat? Do I just call him? Would I go back to work? How do we share the news with other people? What would the next step be?

And of course baby had a heartbeat and of course the nurse commented on how much he's moving around in there. And I walked away holding on to this news, while also holding this baby so loosely.

But part of me wonders if I'm holding this baby too loosely? And is this because I'm afraid of losing him? And if I hold him so loosely, then if sad news were to come, I'd be okay, mourning and grieving this loss but also strengthened by the grace of God, knowing I would eventually enter into a bigger story?

It's such a strange tension to live in, desiring to feel connected to this baby, desiring for my husband and my boys to feel connected to this baby, desiring this baby, hoping for this baby, longing for this baby, yet also trusting that the Lord's will, will be done regardless of my personal desires and hopes. And I trust that His will is good and whatever story He writes for my family is good.

And who knows, perhaps the loss of a child will be part of our story, but I trust that He will give me the strength to endure whatever comes our way. And each day I continue to move forward, confessing my shortcomings and my fears as I surrender all to Him, laying myself and my spouse and my children at the cross as I'm reminded they are His.

Your will be done Lord.

All for Your glory and our good.

I confess all to You as I live in the hope and the peace you offer.