Confession

I have a confession to make, and no this isn't a confession from a shopaholic or anything like that, but more of a confession from the heart, one that kind of breaks my heart a little to be honest. But it's true and real and hard to share as it just feels like too much truth, like a true window into the current state of my 25 week pregnant heart.

And without further ado, and as I take a big breath, here goes.

Last weekend I went to a consignment sale, and I picked up a few things for Jack and Ryan, and at the end of my search I ventured to the baby section to see what types of things I could find for baby brother.

And as I searched the racks of tiny clothes, I thought to myself, should I even bother buying anything? This thought did not come from a place of oh, we have enough stuff. I mean we have two boys already, and I am not opposed to hand me downs. But rather from a place of but what if this baby dies too? What if I buy these things and he doesn't even get a chance to wear them? What if he dies in utero? Or what if he dies 10 days after birthing him like another baby I know? What if he doesn't live to the 3 month mark to wear these brand new clothes?

And like I've said before, pregnancy after a loss is the strangest thing. After our miscarriage, I was blown away by others vulnerability and willingness to share their own stories of loss, but I think it's almost jaded me, or made me more aware of the realities of infant loss, or made me hold this growing baby even more loosely that I would have had I not experienced my own loss?

And the truth is, this baby could die. I know it sounds so morbid, but it's the truth. But I never once thought of that as an option with my first two pregnancies, it never even crossed my mind. I just assumed everything would turn out fine and whenever God willed it, I'd meet them and hold them in my arms, and that would be our story.

But this baby's story is already so different, and everything about this pregnancy feels so different. I'm 25 weeks and my placenta is anterior, which means baby is kicking against a pillow. So I don't feel much movement which is just the strangest thing as I could feel both Jack and Ryan super early on, like 17/18 weeks early on. But every pregnancy is different this I know, and I'm trying really hard not to compare this pregnancy to my others, but it's hard. And I think the placenta placement and the inability to feel a ton of movement has led me to have these thoughts of loss.

Yesterday, I had a Dr's appointment and as I drove to the appointment, I literally thought to myself, how do I tell Peter if baby doesn't have a heartbeat? Do I just call him? Would I go back to work? How do we share the news with other people? What would the next step be?

And of course baby had a heartbeat and of course the nurse commented on how much he's moving around in there. And I walked away holding on to this news, while also holding this baby so loosely.

But part of me wonders if I'm holding this baby too loosely? And is this because I'm afraid of losing him? And if I hold him so loosely, then if sad news were to come, I'd be okay, mourning and grieving this loss but also strengthened by the grace of God, knowing I would eventually enter into a bigger story?

It's such a strange tension to live in, desiring to feel connected to this baby, desiring for my husband and my boys to feel connected to this baby, desiring this baby, hoping for this baby, longing for this baby, yet also trusting that the Lord's will, will be done regardless of my personal desires and hopes. And I trust that His will is good and whatever story He writes for my family is good.

And who knows, perhaps the loss of a child will be part of our story, but I trust that He will give me the strength to endure whatever comes our way. And each day I continue to move forward, confessing my shortcomings and my fears as I surrender all to Him, laying myself and my spouse and my children at the cross as I'm reminded they are His.

Your will be done Lord.

All for Your glory and our good.

I confess all to You as I live in the hope and the peace you offer.

Baby brother: 22 Weeks

  

week 17 // 18 // 19  // 20

Don't mind me, we're just over here bypassing a week as I'll be 23 weeks tomorrow. So let's just forget about week 21!

Growing // Baby is the size of a coconut. The average baby size is 10.9 inches long (from the crown of the head to the heel of the foot) and 15.2 ounces. And I'm feeling bigger that's for sure! I missed 21 weeks, so I'm coming in now at 22 weeks, and in just a few days I'll be 23 weeks. Feel like this pregnancy is going to fly by to be honest!

Eating + Sleeping // I feel like I've kind of reverted back to my first trimester foods as I just don't want to eat any normal food to be honest. And I rarely eat a normal dinner anymore. Peter made a pork roast one day and the smell lingered in the house for days and at first I thought oh that smells delicous and then I couldn't even bring myself to eat it. And a few nights ago I woke up at 4 and couldn't get myself back to sleep till like 5:30 AM, maybe that was because that was the night I was sick. Anyhow, basically my eating is all off and my sleep is all off. This is pregnancy, right?

Feeling // My blood pressure is perfectly normal with 120/80, so that's great news! I finally had to go buy some tums as a few nights this week I ate dinner a little too late and a little too much. And I just felt so sick. And I actually threw up. So I really try not too eat too much at night as I just feel so unsettled.

Wearing // I finally bought some maternity jeans!! I ordered a ton from a few different stores and we'll see how it all goes down as I've just been wanting to wear jeans, all the jeans, and realizing that maybe it wouldn't be a terrible idea to have maternity tights or leggings? I just want to be cozy and comfortable and the things I have just feel tight and uncomfortable on the baby bump.

Milestones // I've been feeling baby brother moving a bit more, but it still feels so strange to me that I'm so far along and I'm not really feeling that much movement. And then I think by the time I really do feel movement, he'll be here before we know it! I had a Drs appointment this week, and the Dr had the hardest time finding his heartbeat. We could hear him moving around in there, so we knew everything was just fine, but took awhile to get his heartbeat on the doppler!

Pregnant with Jack week Pregnant with Jack week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22
Pregnant with Ryan week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22

Baby Brother: 20 Weeks

  week 17 // 18 // 19

Growing // Baby is the size of a banana. He weighs about 10.2 ounces and measures about 6.5 inches from crown to rump. I'm definitely growing that's for sure! And everything is just getting a little bit more difficult. Out of breath, huffing and puffing with the smallest of things, and it's getting hard to get up from anywhere!

Eating + Sleeping // I'm still loving all my carbs. I can't eat too much at night as I just feel so sick. But I bought the olive garden salad dressing at the shop as I just love the tanginess of the dressing. I'm not a huge dinner fan these days to be honest. I know I'm not eating enough meat these days, and I just want dairy and fruit, truly. That's all I want to eat all the time! Oh and bread, all the bread. And in regards to sleeping, I still wake up once or twice a night, my longest stretch of sleep has been maybe 4 or 5 hours?

Feeling // I just feel sick all the time, just an unsettled stomach and nothing really tastes good to me. I know I need to eat, but I just don't really want to eat. So I really don't feel well - this is my hardest pregnancy by far! And I'm tired ALL THE TIME. I never feel like I've got enough sleep, ever! Is that because I'm 35? Or is it just because it's my third pregnancy? I have no idea, but I'm just tired.

Wearing // I'm having the hardest time dressing my pregnant body this time around! I have no idea why, but it just feels really hard. Maybe it's because of the time of year? And I've never been this early pregnant this time of year? I have no idea. But the struggle feels real.

Milestones // We had our 20 week ultrasound and got to see baby brother! So fun to see him, and the ultrasound tech had the hardest time getting shots of him, so she had to take stills and then take measurements from those. She was like he's such a mover and a shaker, but the funny thing is, I still can't really feel him as I have an anterior placenta, so it just feels like he's kicking against a pillow all the time.

Pregnant with Jack week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20

Pregnant with Ryan week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20

Baby Brother: 19 Weeks

 week 17 // 18

Growing // Baby brother weighs about 8 1/2 ounces now and baby is about 6 inches long from head to bottom. Baby is now the size of a mango! Feels wild to think that I'm halfway through, as I'm guessing I won't go past 38 weeks. And baby is only half a pound! How is that even possible? I suppose he has grown a ton in those 19 weeks, but it's wild to think just how much he'll grow in the next 19. They say that his sensory development is exploding and he is now designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision and touch. He may even be able to hear my voice now. And I think my bump is growing? I've had people tell me lately, "You don't even look pregnant! How can you possibly be that far along?" And I find myself talking about my other two pregnancies, and mentioning how I don't really start showing with a proper bump until like 25 weeks. So let's just say, I'm excited for that bump day to come! And why do people always think it's okay to talk about a pregnant women's body?

Eating + Sleeping // I'm loving cereal with milk for breakfast. I'm loving salads with basalmic vinegar dressing!! And I'm still all about French bread with sharp cheddar cheese. In fact the lunch I packed today is a salad with bread and cheese! Steamed veggies still aren't appealing to me, but I'll eat them raw? Who knows what that's all about! Peter made a stew for dinner last night, and I ate the cooked carrots, so maybe it's just broccoli I don't want to eat, which is strange as that's one of my favorite veggies, but again, I'm happy to eat it raw or roasted. Maybe it's the lingering smell? And most nights end with a cup of some type of vanilla tea. Sleeping is interesting. I'm up at least once or twice a night to go the bathroom. And I sometimes sleep with an extra pillow, sometimes not. It just depends, but I do love pressing a pillow against my tummy. I'm such a back sleeper though, so I'm always waking up on my back and shifting myself back to my side.

Feeling // I'm just really tired, all the time. And I get out of breath, real fast. I have to climb three flights of stairs to get to my office at work, and I always enter into my work space out of breath! But I'm going to the gym 4 days a week, which is more than I've ever done with any of my other pregnancies. So that feels really good!

Wearing // I finally busted out my own maternity dresses out of their plastic storage containers in the garage! And I'm excited to start wearing them, but I'm really excited to start wearing them without tights and boots, which seems ironic as that's all I wanted to wear when I was pregnant with my other boys. And I've borrowed a bunch of things from friends this time around which is fun. All I want to wear is jeans though and I haven't found any jeans that I love yet, so I'm just wearing a borrowed pair for now, and thinking I can probably hold off on buying a pair as I'll be wearing dresses nonstop soon enough.

Milestones // No big milestones this week, but we have our big anatomy scan this week, and I'm looking forward to that. I should say, it was the strangest thing to find out gender at like 14 weeks, especially when you don't normally find it out till right about now. Feels like we hit some milestones fairly early on because of that.

Pregnant with Jack week 17 // 18 // 19

Pregnant with Ryan week 17 // 18 // 19

Baby Brother: 18 Weeks

 week 17 //

Growing // Baby brother weighs about 8 ounces now and baby is about 5 1/2 inches long from head to bottom. Baby is now the size of an artichoke! We had an ultrasound with my mom this week, and she confirmed gender! And he's measuring right on target to the day with all his measurements. But he's a little ahead of the game on one, which is his head circumference! It would appear that all our babies have big heads!!!

Eating + Sleeping // I've found that when I go into the office, I pack a ton of food for myself to eat as I truly have no idea what I'll feel like eating the next day and I'm all about eating small little snacks throughout the day. However, when I'm home, I just eat during my regular meal times, and don't snack nearly as much. But I have been buying some good snacky things that everyone in the family has been loving, like string cheese, pretzels/crackers, granola bars, peanuts, etc. I'm still loving all things fruit, and I'm not a huge fan of chocolate things or ice cream. I made some cookies last weekend and I've hardly had any of them, and same with the ice cream we've had in our freezer for a few weeks now. I'd rather eat a bag of potato chips than a bowl of ice cream, which is why we don't have any potato chips in the house!! Haha! I'm sleeping the same, still waking up once or twice a night, and some nights I'm just restless after waking and it's terrible.

Feeling // I feel a little bit better, but still feel kind of crummy. I do so good during the day, feel energetic and ready to face the world, still tired, but I get on with it, and then five o'clock rolls around, and I'm like is it bedtime yet for the littles so I can have time to rest?

Wearing // Bought some great faux leather leggings that I'm loving and I'm loving all my borrowed maternity clothes, shirts, jeans, sweaters, etc. It's fantastic! I ordered a few things from Target and H&M and I'd love to buy a pair of black maternity jeans, but not having any luck, so the search continues. But let's be real, maternity jeans are not regular jeans, and they stretch out so fast and you wear them for like a few months, so maybe I should just save my money for a great pair of postpartum jeans. I'm figuring it out, but the struggle is real!

Milestones // My mom did an ultrasound this week, which was so fun. She's done ultrasounds on all my babes, and it was so fun to walk away with some photos and to see that baby brother is in fact moving a ton in there, even if I haven't felt really strong movements yet. Can't wait for that day to come!

Pregnant with Jack week 17 // 18 //

Pregnant with Ryan week 17 // 18 //

Baby Brother: 17 Weeks

Here I am, 17 weeks pregnant already. How am I this far along? It all feels incredibly surreal. In my announcement post, I don't think I mentioned that we found out we were pregnant the day we got home from Ireland, or maybe it was the day after? There was a faint line on the pregnancy test, and I didn't really know what to make of it at the time. So I just continued to take pregnancy tests and sure enough, it was true, I was pregnant!

And if I'm incredibly honest, this is the first time with all my pregnancies where the timing felt so right (minus my miscarriage). With both positive tests with Jack and Ryan I shed a few tears as it happened like a month sooner than I thought it would! And I wasn't quite ready, but with this pregnancy, I was so ready! And instead of shedding tears of panic, I shed tears of joy!

Growing // Baby weighs about 5 ounces now and he is about 5 inches long from head to bottom. Baby is now the size of a turnip! It still blows my mind that I have a baby the size of a turnip inside of me. I quite often wonder where exactly he's hiding in there. 

Eating + Sleeping // I'm loving all breads and cheese, and I've made a few stops to the store to buy a really good loaf of bread that I just cut up and eat with slices of sharp cheddar cheese. And I've made a stop or two to the store to buy chicken tenders and potato wedges from the deli...and let's not forget the potato chips. All things salty and crunchy sound incredible right now! I think I've loved chicken tenders and salty things (potato chips) all my pregnancies, but today, as I type this, that doesn't sound so good. I love smoothies and all fruit and yogurt and salads, but not plain vegetables, well only if they're roasted, but not if they're steamed. And I'm really loving cereal, no particular kind, and I'd eat it for breakfast, lunch or dinner. And I'm loving a cup of hot tea at night. For the first few months, and even to this day, I wouldn't eat a single thing after dinner as my stomach would just ache. So I learned the hard way to not fill it before going to bed! And it's worked tremendously. In regards to sleep, I'm getting up at least once or twice a night to go to the bathroom, this is the worst part of pregnancy for me. I love sleeping through the night and waking up in the morning and now that my older two do that, I'd like to do that too!

Feeling // I keep waiting for the 2nd trimester feels to kick in, and I'm starting to fear that they're not going to!! I'm just so tired, like all the time. Is that pregnancy? Is that just my life? Is it the two energetic boys that live under my roof? And I still feel kind of nauseas. Certain food sets me off, and there are definitely things I don't feel like eating! Peter can't keep up with all the feels!! This pregnancy has felt so very different to be honest. I've had like indigestion and gas and just strange and uncomfortable stuff down there and baby feels super low, but I'd say that's gotten better over the last few weeks. I have been going to the gym, which has felt incredible. I love dropping the boys off, and just taking time for myself to sweat and read my book while I pound out some cardio. I'd love to get to lifting weights and doing other things again, but I've just been so tired, so I'm grateful for the energy to even do the elliptical.

Wearing // I've never been pregnant this time of year! I mean, this early pregnant, like first trimester pregnant. So it's been strange dressing my pregnant body. And I'm not really showing much, so I'm still in like this in between stage. I have a ton of dresses that I can wear, so I've been wearing those to work with boots, but on my work from home days or just the weekends, I've been at a loss as to how to dress my body. I didn't buy a single maternity item with Jack, and I bought a few dresses with Ryan, and I've already borrowed a bunch of things from friends, and I have bought an item or two for myself that will work as non maternity as well. I'd love to buy myself a pair of maternity jeans, as I'd love to rock jeans this pregnancy rather than just long shirts and leggings or work out clothes! And I did land myself a pair of jeans that fit in the maternity items borrowed, so those may work out just great.

Milestones // I had a Drs. appointment this week and I'd had a dream before the appointment that the nurse wasn't able to hear baby's heartbeat, and then ironically the nurse had a hard time finding his heartbeat, but then another nurse came in and found it straight away. I love going to the Dr, for the obvious reasons, but it's a beautiful time for me to connect with baby brother, while also navigating how to entertain a 3 year old for the 30 minute appointment!!

Pregnant with Jack week 17 //

Pregnant with Ryan week 17 // 

The Secret is Out..

So the secret is out...our family is expanding and by God's grace we're having another baby! It feels wild this time around as the boys fully know what it means when we say we're having a baby!! Jack was only 14 months when I got pregnant with Ryan, and just 23 months when Ryan was born. He was still a baby himself. And now he's five, and that just feels so old as he's fully aware of the baby growing in mama's tummy.

To answer some questions...

Do we have a nickname for Drennan Baby #3 or a name picked out yet?

I suppose his nickname is baby brother, but that's not very original now is it?? And we most definitely do not have a name picked out yet. How in the world are we to decide on another boy name? I feel like we've used them all up by now! Would welcome any and all suggestions!

So how far along are you then...I'd rather not do the math?

So as of Tuesday, I'm 17 weeks pregnant, which means baby is about the size of a turnip! If I'm honest, I'm still not feeling all that great. Definitely feel pregnant, which is a blessing, but just feeling so tired and just nauseous. I keep waiting to feel some relief from it all, I mean I'm in the second trimester so it should be coming soon right???????? At least that's what I keep telling myself, maybe in another few weeks? I haven't taken anything for the nausea or anything this time around, so maybe that's why? Who knows. All I know is I definitely feel pregnant and for that I'm thankful!

When is Baby #3 due?

Baby brother's official due date is July 3rd, but we're already talking about his June arrival. So whenever people ask when's your due date, I say July, but follow it up with, but I'm sure it will be more like the middle of June. Our goal once again is to get me to 38 weeks before my blood pressure starts to do crazy things, to have a vaginal birth and to take baby brother home with me when I leave the hospital. It's funny to me as I read those things to think those are like normal things a mother hopes for, but the reality is, none of those goals were met with my firstborn Jack. He was born at 33 weeks 6 days via a c-section and I most definitely went home from the hospital without him. So it was such an incredibly beautiful and healing moment for me to be able to accomplish all those things with my secondborn Ryan.

Ironically my blood pressure didn't get exceptionally high last pregnancy, but I was leaking fluid and going in for regular non-stress tests, so they could see it was starting to affect Ryan's heart rate. And if I'm honest, I can't even imagine going to 40 weeks now that both my babies have been born early! However, it would be pretty incredible to just go into labor spontaneously. I'll most likely be induced somewhere between 37-38 weeks, which would put us at the middle of June.

How in the world do we already know gender?

We did a blood test! We've never done any chromosomal testing before, but since I'm 35, insurance covers it at a different rate than they would have with my past pregnancies. So we decided to do the testing and find out the gender early, and they found a Y chromosome floating around in my blood! Hence, a boy. And to be honest, I think I wrote on a blog post with baby #2 (Ryan) before we found out gender that I thought he'd be a boy, and I just imagined myself as a boy mom. My feelings around having a third boy warrant a blog post all it's own because God was so gracious in preparing my heart. I just knew this baby would be a boy due to all the conversations I'd had with Jack about the gender of his future sibling, and I was right. Well actually Jack was right, and I felt like God was using Jack to prepare my heart to fully lean into the possibility of being a boy mom!! I can't wait to share all those conversations at a later date, but one of them being, when we showed Jack the ultrasound photo I asked him, "Do you know what this is?" and he replied with so much certainty and sincerity, "Yeah, it's my baby brother!" And I laughed it off, but on the video, I say "Baby brother, we can't wait to meet you!....I mean if you're a girl too, baby sister, we'd be excited to meet you too!"

So what do you think this baby's birth story will be like? 

I'm hoping it's more like Ryan's and less like Jack's, but maybe he'll have a totally different story. We shall see with time! I think they started me on blood pressure medicine sometime in my third trimester with Ryan, as my blood pressure started to rise. But my blood pressure has been fairly normal at my last two Drs. appointments, maybe just a smidge high at like 124/78, but nothing alarming. And I think it was higher than that at this stage in the game with both babies, but I'm not entirely sure.

But if I had to guess, I'm guessing this baby will not have a story like Jack's seeing as we're following the same healthcare plan as we did with Ryan. I have an incredible OB whom I love and adore, and I actually said to Peter, are you sure you don't want to have another baby? I'm going to miss my OB so much because let's be real, you see them ALOT when you're pregnant and not so much when you're not.

How does this pregnancy compare to your others?

Can we talk about the exhaustion? I think I forgot just how tired you truly are that first trimester. I mean like don't want to get out of bed even after 9 hours of sleep tired, most definitely don't want to get yourself dressed or your little people dressed, let alone fed and off to school/daycare and yourself off to work. And I'm definitely not interested in doing all the household tasks like folding laundry or dishes or even cooking dinner...can we just have cereal every night for dinner please? Oh and the food smells from lunch or dinner that linger in the house long after the meal has been eaten, no thank you. Gross.

I've just felt incredibly off for months, with stomach aches and indigestion and gas and just bad stuff all around. There were nights I couldn't sleep because my stomach hurt so bad! So to be honest, I haven't been eating much during the day, and on my good days, I'm able to make it to the gym which feels amazing. So now, I just don't eat anything past like 6 or else it's just downhill from there, and I finish the night off with a hot cup of tea.

Being pregnant while caring for two little people is so very different than being pregnant the first time or even the second time. The boys know I'm pregnant, but it doesn't mean much to them as I don't really have a bump, but they talk about their baby brother, and Ryan was even kind enough to give his binkie to his baby brother. So now Ryan's binkie free and thinks baby is sucking a binkie in my tummy! I'm excited to have a real baby bump, for the boys to feel the baby move and for them to rest their little heads on my tummy. And I'm excited to feel a little better? Will that day come?

In the meantime, I'll just be over here eating all the bread and cheese.

And that's all for now folks. Read our Jack reveal and our Ryan reveal. Can't wait to meet our newest addition and hold him in our arms!

And this is how Jack feels about having a baby brother!