The Balancing Act

How are you guys? 

This is the question we get asked all the time these days, and sometimes I don't quite know how to answer.

The truth is, we are surviving, we are alive, we are fed, we have shelter, cars to transport us, and family and friends surrounding us, and a God who sees us and loves us. In all honesty, for the most part, we are good.

But it's all relative right?

This past year was our hardest year yet, and each time we encountered something hard, a job loss, a baby loss, possible loss of Peter's life, it felt hard, but God always showed Himself in the trial, in the trauma, in the pain. He was faithful and we saw that faithfulness. 

And I think if I'm incredibly honest with myself and with those who ask the question, the answer would most likely be different, filled with pain and heartbreak, acknowledging that this feels like the hardest thing we've done yet. Yet the answer would also be laced with hope, trust, grace, and stories of God's faithfulness and His provision, all because of what we've walked through this past year, all because of what we've witnessed with our own eyes. 

And I'd probably mention something about the balancing act and how hard that feels. 

Yes, this isn't our first NICU rodeo as we've had a baby there for a few weeks before, but what feels incredibly foreign to me is navigating having a child in the hospital for three long months while also navigating having other children at home, and not just one child but two! 

And in all honesty, it's interesting as we've heard stories from other families who have had micropreemies, but all of those babes have been their first borns!! And who knows what's harder to be honest. I can't imagine walking this journey with my first and the anxiety that would most likely come from getting pregnant again knowing the journey with the second could be a similar one!!

I don't know what that journey is like. I only know mine. And I've never had to balance caring for other children and doing daily life with drop offs and pick ups and grocery runs and other random runs and making sure everyone has food to eat and clothes to wear. And oh yeah, that's right, we have a baby in the NICU. We should probably go see him. (In all honesty, we visit Conor nearly every day.)

I've never walked the c-section road to recovery while having other children in my midst. And I've never had to explain to those other children, mainly the 3 year old, that baby brother is no longer living in my tummy, but rather living outside of my tummy and sleeping at the hospital as he gets big and strong. 

And I've never had to wonder how you invite those children, Conor's siblings, into this story, into his birth story? Or how you celebrate Conor's coming home when the time does come? 

And yes, the balancing act of Conor's hospital stay and the reality of his birth story, feel like the hardest things right now, but it's something I feel like we're always dealing with right, regardless of the season of life we're in? We're always asking ourselves, how do we find time to do it all? 

How do we find the time to go to the hospital, to spend time with our other two boys, to spend time together, to spend time with friends, to spend time alone, and in all of that, to spend time with the Lord? And how do we honor each other's time in such a way that creates space for healing and relationship and laughter and joy. 

But then I think, these are questions we're always asking ourselves, maybe not so much the hospital one, but the others most definitely. And these are the questions we will continue to ask ourselves even after Conor comes home. The balancing act will still remain, and then we'll be trying to figure out a new balance and a new rhythm of having three kids under our roof. 

And who knows what comes next after Conor's coming home? The additional doctors appointments and weight check ins, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and visits with other specialists. 

There is so much uncertainty with what awaits us, but I'm okay with the uncertainty. I'm okay with the waiting and anticipating. I can sit in that space because I trust and know Conor is in good hands and he is getting incredible care! 

And I'm okay with the balancing act because I know just who is writing Conor's story. 

And I trust the author of that story will give us wisdom and peace as we lean into Him to find our Heavenly balance.