Perspective

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. Hebrews 10:23

It feels incredibly surreal to be back at UW and the same NICU where Jack (my 5 year old) was born at 33 weeks 6 days. I never thought I'd have so many preemies, and I just figured my preemie story would start and end with Jack.

But here we are again with an even tinier baby!

Part of me is grateful he's not my first born nor is he my first preemie. We've walked this path before, and I know this road. I'm familiar with this road, the road's just a whole lot longer this time around. 

But because of my history with walking this path, I can see the path clearly now. And I know the difference time makes. I know the difference each day, each lb, each ounce, each gram makes. And I have a different perspective the second time around. 

Yes, it was hard to have Jack in the NICU for 20 days and to not be able to bring him home with me, but it was only 20 days. And I look at him now and I can't believe the giant kid in front of me ever fit into this preemie outfit (and this photo was taken like 2 years ago!).

And I know I'll say the same for Conor, I can't believe he ever fit into those preemie outfits or into those tiny micropreemie diapers. And yes, of course it was hard to have him in the NICU for X amount of days and it's truly only by the grace of God that any of us survived those days, but it was only X amount of days when you look at the years we have with him!

And we've now entered uncharted territory as Conor has surpassed the 26 day mark in the NICU, and we've never journeyed this far with a babe as Jack was discharged on the 20th day of his stay (a day shy of 37 weeks).

Conor obviously has a much longer road to recovery, and he'll most likely be in the NICU till his due date which is July 3, maybe he'll come home sooner or maybe he'll be there even longer? 

We really don't know. 

But I can tell you what I do know. 

I know recovery from a c-section.

I know the pain that comes from sitting up to pump and the pain that comes from laughing, all in the name of c-section recovery. 

I know the NICU visits.

I know what it's like to leave the hospital without a baby. 

I know the empty arms.

I know the endless pumping, every three hours, even in the middle of the night, just as if baby was in your home. 

I know the middle of the night wake ups to bottle feed.

I know the joy that comes with each milestone and the tremendous satisfaction that comes with watching them grow and thrive in the hospital and outside of it.  

I know the difference time makes.

And I'm thankful for my past experience, for God's grace amidst it all as I can look back on that now, and I can see God's hand in it all, preparing me for such a time as this, reminding me that He is faithful.

And I can look at my two older boys and know there will come a time when we will buckle Conor into his carseat and drive away from the hospital. 

There will come a time when Conor will sleep under our roof, and there will come a time when he will sleep through the night. 

There will come a time when I'm not pumping like a mad woman (crossing my fingers he transitions to the breast just like Jack did!).

And there will come a time when he will no longer wear diapers.

There will come a time when he will be running around and chasing after his brothers. 

And there will come a time, all too soon, this I know from experience, when he will become Mr. Independent, feeding himself, dressing himself, buckling his carseat himself, demanding to do all the things himself.

And we wait, just as we waited for Jack, for Conor to hit all those necessary milestones before his coming home. 

And today that coming home day feels really far away, yet we remember that He who promised is faithful.

And even if we have to wait 100 days before we bring him home, He is still faithful. 

And there is so much beauty in the waiting. 

Thank you Jesus for this beautiful perspective and for the eyes to see Your grace, Your hope, Your faithfulness in the waiting, and amidst all of these precious life moments.