Dear Jack and Ryan,
I've been wanting to write to the both of you for months now, and I sit here on a Thursday night snuggled under a cozy blanket, with a candle burning, music playing, and I wish I had a glass of wine in hand, but alas we don't have any in the house, so I'm settling for a lime seltzer water.
It's 7:30, and I put Ryan to bed about an hour ago. And Jack, your dad took you to a YL college event. You left the house saying, "We're going to see friends. Have a good night mama!" And as Ryan and I waved our goodbyes and blew our kisses and belly laughed as Dada beep beeped the horn per Ryan's request, I knew what I would be doing with my quiet time tonight.
I would sit and reflect and write.
I read a book recently called
Surprised by Motherhood: Everything I never Expected about being a mom, and it was such a beautiful reminder to me just how surprised I have been by motherhood. If I'm incredibly honest, I never really thought about being a mom. I mean I knew I wanted kids someday, and I suppose I just assumed it would happen. I never once thought, would I even be able to have kids. I just assumed being a mom would be part of my future, but I never really thought about what kind of mom I would be. I never really dreamt about what I'd name those future kids or what they'd be like.
And then your dad and I got married, and I just assumed having children would be part of our story. I had no idea what that would look like or how that would change our marriage, but I just imagined it would happen someday and we would walk into that part of our story with open arms. And by the grace of God, you both are here as evidence that children are a part of our story.
And what a beautiful part you are.
And tonight as I snuggled Ryan before putting him into his bed, he laid his head on my shoulder and started singing Jesus Loves Me before I even had a chance to start singing the bedtime song. It sounds more like Jeshus and alot of humming to the sound of the song, but you do this all the time and every single time my heart aches a little at the sweetness of the moment, and every single time I find myself praying (pleading) that you come to know this Jeshus that you sing about. And every time I pray for wisdom and for guidance, that your dad and I can share our faith with you, that we can share the joy, the contentment, the love, the hope that we have found in a relationship with Jesus.
Good Lord you guys have no idea just how much you are loved! One night, the song
Oh How He loves Us, came on Pandora, and I just became overwhelmed with the truth of the lyrics, and of course the tears started streaming down my face and Jack turned to me all concerned (Ryan, you were already in bed!) and I just said Jack, you have NO idea just how much you are loved, not only by me, but also by the Father. And your reply still brings tears to my eyes. You said, "Mama, thanks for loving me and thanks for loving Jesus!"
Jack Emmet, my firstborn, my preemie, my undoing, my thinker, my refiner. I saw you first as 2 lines on a pregnancy test, and again as 2 more lines on another pregnancy test. I saw you first in the little buddy 3 month pajamas I bought from Target. Little did I know just how small you actually would be. We announced your existence to the grandparents through an I Love you, Grandpa book on Father's Day! And your grandma announced your gender to us early on as she placed the ultrasound wand over my tiny belly. A BOY she exclaimed! I knew it, I just knew it. Your entrance into the world felt so dramatic. I can't wait to tell you all about it someday. But through it all, God taught me so much about patience and provision. And God has used you to undo me, to refine me. And it's crazy for me to think that you were the age Ryan is now (23
months) when Ryan was born. You were still such a baby, but gosh you
felt so big on the day you met him and I held you both in my arms. Jack Emmet, you my son are so good. And your goodness is so pure and so good for my own soul. I mean don't get me wrong, you can be a bit of a terror sometimes, but most of the time I find myself in awe of the things you say..."Have fun with your friends mama, have a good time, thanks for coming over and playing, have a good nights sleep, mama I love you so much, mama thanks for playing with me, mama thanks for buying me this." You are my thinker and you are so compassionate and aware of those around you. Quite often you just sit back and take things in before fully diving into the situation. You're not shy, but rather just observant, and then once you're done observing, you go crazy and the place gets wild and fun and chaotic. Jack Emmet, I've loved getting to know your 3 year old self. I wish you could meet him. He's so curious and inquisitive and asks the best questions. In fact, you recently asked me if you could have a sister, and I asked you if you'd be okay with another brother, and you said, no I'd like a sister. I then had to inform you that it doesn't quite work like that. (DISCLAIMER - I am NOT pregnant, but we are definitely praying about the timing and possibility of adding to the Drennan clan if God wills it.)
Ryan Alexander, my second born, my second chance, my remaking. I saw you first as a missed period! And then came the two lines on a pregnancy test. We announced your existence to the grandparents with said pregnancy test, except this time your older brother was the one holding it! Grandma announced your gender as well, another BOY she exclaimed. And I remember gasping, as I loudly declared another boy... BROTHERS!! Jack's going to have a brother! And eventually the fear came that your birth story would be the same as your brothers. But by the grace of God your story is different. And as thankful as I am for both experiences, I praise God for that different story. He healed me through you, you are my remaking. People have asked me how I can love my second child as much as I love my first, and I am at a loss for words. I truly don't know how else to reply, but to say, you just do. It feels so surreal that your heart can expand and make room for such a deep love for another child, but by the grace of God it just happens. I can't even put into words the joy you bring to our family. And tears begin to stream down my face as I begin to attempt to. You my son are full of joy, always. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely opinionated and so determined to get what you want when you want it, and you definitely throw your fair share of tantrums, but your belly laugh is insane. And your love for dancing is contagious! You're constantly declaring, "C'mon Mama, Dance!" as you reach for my hand. So I grab your little hand and turn on the music and laugh and dance with you as you wave your arms and stomp your feet. I wish you could meet your almost 2 year old self, you would just love him. He's so funny. And he thinks other people are even funnier. "Funny," your little voice declares as you belly laugh. And I'm left baffled that a 2 year old could have a sense of humor and experience joy like yours.
And boys, brothers, you love each other so deeply and so passionately, and that's what I have to remind myself of when in a matter of minutes, seconds even, you two go from laughing hysterically together to one of you crying hysterically. And on Monday at school, the teachers asked Jack to put up the turkey feather of thankfulness, and they asked him what he was thankful for, and his reply was you, Ryan. He was thankful for you, his brother.
Boys, I have been so surprised by motherhood and the sheer joy and satisfaction I get from being your mama. I never would have envisioned how much I'd love being a mom. It feels like such a privilege to be in this season. Don't get me wrong it's not all rainbows and roses. And I've definitely had days where I've failed and it's been really ugly. I've been really ugly. There's been days that I've prayed for night to come so that morning would come sooner, so that I could have a do over, a second chance. Because if I'm incredibly honest, it's hard. Motherhood is hard. I never would have envisioned just how hard nor how chaotic and refining it would be, but I also never would have envisioned just how good nor how glorious it would be.
I'm continually "pouring myself out
as a love offering, freely given with no expectation of
payback. A gift. I lay myself down for my sons who are learning to love
because I first loved them" (p. 189 of Surprised by Motherhood). And it's all because He first loved us. The pouring out is hard. Seeing the bad bits of myself reflected in you both is hard because I'm constantly having to pause and reflect and pray and prune. And that's hard. But it's so good.
God is using you both to refine me in a way no one else could. He has used you to teach me so much about Him and so much about myself.
You teach me to pray. You teach me grace. You teach me forgiveness. You teach me contentment. You teach me joy. You teach me to love deeply and unashamedly. You teach me that this life is not about me.
And I sit here praising God and thanking him for this full life that I'm living, this life that is so much more than anything I could have ever envisioned. And I just want you both to know that I'm so proud of you both and I'm so thankful for this privilege to know you and to raise you and to love you.
Thank you Jesus.
I love you deeply and unashamedly.
XOXO,
Mama
