Happy Mama's day!

Happy Mama's day to all those beautiful, sleep deprived mamas out there - new and old! You have no idea just how cherished and loved you are not only by your family and your children, but also by the Lord, and I hope you get a glimpse of how deep that love runs today. Thank you for loving your children well.

I have to say it is an honor to walk among you. It is an honor to learn from you. It is an honor to love so deeply with you. It is all truly an honor.

And some days I get so overwhelmed by the honor and privilege it is to raise up these children. They are such a gift. And I get emotional just thinking about this "Mama" title I have been granted.

At church this am, a woman in her 50s turned to me after seeing the nursery pager in my hand and wished me a Happy Mother's Day! And she said with tears in her eyes, "It just keeps getting better." And I replied with tears in my own eyes, "Don't say that...it's already SO good!" I had to walk away before I had a breakdown.

It truly is so good.  

And just a few days ago, a friend turned to me, while I was trying to round up my own kids plus one more, and said, "You really enjoy being a mom." And I smile slowly crept across my face as I replied, "I do. I really do!"

You guys, it's true, I really do enjoy being a mom. I love how much God has used my kids to refine me. I love the way they challenge me. I love the joy, the laughter, the deep, deep love I feel for my littles. I love seeing my husband as a father, oh man do I love that.

Yet, I don't even want to count the number of sleepless nights, diapers changed, clothes laundered, mouths fed, floors swept, toys picked up, nighttime stories and nighttime kisses because if I did, I don't know if I would crumble on the floor with exhaustion or pat myself on the back with triumph.


See the thing is, this mama gig is hard. Some days it feels so overwhelming. Some days I feel like I've poured every last bit of myself out and there's nothing left for anyone else. And some days I feel so inadequate, like I'm getting everything wrong and not doing anything well. It's hard living in the tension of being a working mama, and being a working from home while spending time with your kids mama is really hard.

I never envisioned this mama thing would be so hard.

But I also never envisioned it would be this good.

It has taken me years, three years in fact to fully lean into this calling God has for me. It has taken me years to be comfortable with extending grace to myself. I have learned so many lessons about myself, about my partner, and about God.

I have learned to just let things go, to pick my battles with my kids, to control my emotions rather than to allow my kids to control them. I have learned from my mistakes and by the grace of God I've been able to turn the darkest of days into the richest lessons. I've seen some ugly versions of myself that I wish to never see again.

Some days are really hard.

But most days are really good.

Most days we laugh, we cry, we apologize, we forgive, and we get on with it. We go to sleep, we wake up and we do it all over again.

I have had moments that I wish I could do over, moments that have led me to my children's feet and to the feet of the Father. And it is in those moments, that He draws me near. These babies have not only done alot to my body (hello grey hair and love handles), but they have done so much to my soul. And somehow, amidst the endless noise and the sheer chaos, I have found so much peace and rest for my soul. 

Thank you Jesus for this privilege and for this calling. It really is so good.

(You can read my other posts here and here, but please note I don't have anything for last year as I could barely get Ryan's monthly posts on the blog in a timely fashion. Side note - going from one kid to two was rough, and I'm realizing now that this roughness was reflected in my lack of writing. It's like a took an unplanned writing sabbatical. Never again friends, never again. It's so good for my soul.)