Heartbreak. Just saying that word out loud breaks my heart, and that's probably because it takes me back to a certain place and time when my heart was broken.
And I'm sure we have all been there. And I'm sure that at some stage every single one of us has had our heart broken whether by a family member, a friend, or a significant other. And if you haven't, I'm sure it will happen someday - don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer, just being honest!
My past relationship history goes a little something like this...
I have had two very serious boyfriends, three if you count Peter, but I'm not counting Peter because I upgraded him to husband status.
And when I say very serious, I mean we were together for 2+ years. The first one was the end of highschool, beginning of college - I was young, we both were. The thought of marriage was far from my mind. I don't mean to discount highschool sweethearts because those are real and true and some of my dearest friends are highschool sweethearts and their love for each other is pure magic. But the reality is, marriage was far from my mind. This boyfriend was such a good man, he cared for me deeply and I for him, but I changed when I went off to college. I'm sure we both did. I became involved in the University Ministries program and God really grabbed hold of my heart, and I knew that if I was to pursue Him fully and completely, the relationship with the boyfriend was going to have to end. And I knew the Lord desired for me to be in a relationship that was centered around Him, and if I'm honest, this relationship was not.
And I remember going to bed one night and having this extremely vivid dream where the boyfriend and I had a conversation about breaking up, and when I woke up, I knew that's what I had to do. I knew things couldn't continue as they were because I was selling us both short. God intended something different for me...someone different (story of my life, until I met Peter), and so we broke up.
It was so hard. It hurt so bad. It hurts a little even now just thinking about how much it hurt back then. I remember just sitting in the shower one day as the water rushed over me, listening to Maxwell's This Woman's Work, and just bawling my eyes out. I knew with my entire being it was the right thing to do, but let's be honest, that knowledge didn't take the pain away.
So what did I do? I clinged to Christ.
And the second one was in college. He was a Christian, and I would definitely say our relationship was more centered on Christ than the last. And this man too was such a good man, he cared for me deeply and I for him, but I always felt like there was just something missing. I remember when he told me he loved me...and that he wanted to marry me someday, and I couldn't say it back. I knew I loved him, but I wasn't sure that I was in love with him. Hello - red flags right? You would think the relationship would have ended right there, but it didn't. I think it continued for something like 2 more years after that conversation.
The summer I went to Ireland and met Peter, the boyfriend went to Mexico and met his future wife, but our relationship continued for 1.5 years after meeting the individuals that would become our future spouses. And again, I had a dream, and in the dream the boyfriend had to choose between marrying me and living part-time in Mexico. And in the dream, I made the decision for him, and I didn't ask him to choose. And when I told him about the dream, he said it described his emotions perfectly...and so began the conversation that eventually led to our break up. Again, such a good man, but God intended something different for me...someone different for me.
And it was hard. So hard. And it hurt. So bad. There were so many tears shed, so many hours spent second guessing the decision, so much fear for the future - would I meet someone else?? would I ever get married? was it all just a waste of my time? why did it have to hurt so bad? And to be honest, as I type this, I get a little teary eyed...I remember those times, I remember that girl. I remember the ache, the pain, the fear that filled my heart. I remember the brokenness, the jealousy that soon came, and again the fear. So much fear.
So what did I do? It took me a bit longer this time around...but eventually, I clinged to Christ.
Recently I have been walking alongside someone near and dear to me who is currently experiencing the true meaning of the word, heartbreak, for the first time. And as I walk alongside her, all my own experiences of brokenness come flooding back to me. The best advice I can give her is the advice I would have given my old self.
"Trust in the Lord...it gets better."
"It may be hard to believe right now because it hurts...so bad, and its hard...so hard and you fear you may not meet anyone else. But God is faithful and He is with you...ALWAYS."
"Cry out to Him...He hears you, I promise. And when you feel completely alone, know that He is with you...ALWAYS."
"The memories...they begin to fade, the pain...that too begins to fade. Your heart...it heals. The Joy...it returns. And the hope...it continues by the power of the Holy Spirit."
And as the above quote states..."A heartbreak is a blessing from God. It's just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one." I believe this now.
The heart ache, the pain, the brokenness - it was all worth it. I can say that now, as I sit here in awe at how God has transformed my heart. And I believe that now, as I sit here in awe at how God has blessed me so abundantly with a husband whom I truly love and adore, and a beautiful son who brings me so much joy.
A heartbreak truly is a blessing from the Lord. And so much transformation and growth comes from these moments of brokenness. And something that is so hard and so ugly has the power to transform into something so beautiful.
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