Heartbreak.

 via pinterest

Heartbreak.  Just saying that word out loud breaks my heart, and that's probably because it takes me back to a certain place and time when my heart was broken.

And I'm sure we have all been there.  And I'm sure that at some stage every single one of us has had our heart broken whether by a family member, a friend, or a significant other.  And if you haven't, I'm sure it will happen someday - don't mean to sound like Debbie Downer, just being honest!

My past relationship history goes a little something like this...

I have had two very serious boyfriends, three if you count Peter, but I'm not counting Peter because I upgraded him to husband status.

And when I say very serious, I mean we were together for 2+ years.  The first one was the end of highschool, beginning of college - I was young, we both were.  The thought of marriage was far from my mind.  I don't mean to discount highschool sweethearts because those are real and true and some of my dearest friends are highschool sweethearts and their love for each other is pure magic.  But the reality is, marriage was far from my mind.  This boyfriend was such a good man, he cared for me deeply and I for him, but I changed when I went off to college.  I'm sure we both did.  I became involved in the University Ministries program and God really grabbed hold of my heart, and I knew that if I was to pursue Him fully and completely, the relationship with the boyfriend was going to have to end.  And I knew the Lord desired for me to be in a relationship that was centered around Him, and if I'm honest, this relationship was not.

And I remember going to bed one night and having this extremely vivid dream where the boyfriend and I had a conversation about breaking up, and when I woke up, I knew that's what I had to do.  I knew things couldn't continue as they were because I was selling us both short.  God intended something different for me...someone different (story of my life, until I met Peter), and so we broke up.

It was so hard.  It hurt so bad.  It hurts a little even now just thinking about how much it hurt back then. I remember just sitting in the shower one day as the water rushed over me, listening to Maxwell's This Woman's Work, and just bawling my eyes out.  I knew with my entire being it was the right thing to do, but let's be honest, that knowledge didn't take the pain away.

So what did I do?  I clinged to Christ.

And the second one was in college.  He was a Christian, and I would definitely say our relationship was more centered on Christ than the last.  And this man too was such a good man, he cared for me deeply and I for him, but I always felt like there was just something missing.  I remember when he told me he loved me...and that he wanted to marry me someday, and I couldn't say it back.  I knew I loved him, but I wasn't sure that I was in love with him.  Hello - red flags right?  You would think the relationship would have ended right there, but it didn't.  I think it continued for something like 2 more years after that conversation.

The summer I went to Ireland and met Peter, the boyfriend went to Mexico and met his future wife, but our relationship continued for 1.5 years after meeting the individuals that would become our future spouses.  And again, I had a dream, and in the dream the boyfriend had to choose between marrying me and living part-time in Mexico.  And in the dream, I made the decision for him, and I didn't ask him to choose.  And when I told him about the dream, he said it described his emotions perfectly...and so began the conversation that eventually led to our break up.  Again, such a good man, but God intended something different for me...someone different for me.

And it was hard.  So hard.  And it hurt.  So bad.  There were so many tears shed, so many hours spent second guessing the decision, so much fear for the future - would I meet someone else?? would I ever get married? was it all just a waste of my time?  why did it have to hurt so bad?  And to be honest, as I type this, I get a little teary eyed...I remember those times, I remember that girl.  I remember the ache, the pain, the fear that filled my heart.  I remember the brokenness, the jealousy that soon came, and again the fear.  So much fear.

So what did I do?  It took me a bit longer this time around...but eventually, I clinged to Christ.

via pinterest

So where am I going with all of this...

Recently I have been walking alongside someone near and dear to me who is currently experiencing the true meaning of the word, heartbreak, for the first time.  And as I walk alongside her, all my own experiences of brokenness come flooding back to me.  The best advice I can give her is the advice I would have given my old self.

"Trust in the Lord...it gets better."

"It may be hard to believe right now because it hurts...so bad, and its hard...so hard and you fear you may not meet anyone else.  But God is faithful and He is with you...ALWAYS."

"Cry out to Him...He hears you, I promise.  And when you feel completely alone, know that He is with you...ALWAYS."

"The memories...they begin to fade, the pain...that too begins to fade.  Your heart...it heals.  The Joy...it returns.  And the hope...it continues by the power of the Holy Spirit."

And as the above quote states..."A heartbreak is a blessing from God.  It's just his way of letting you realize he saved you from the wrong one."  I believe this now.

The heart ache, the pain, the brokenness - it was all worth it.  I can say that now, as I sit here in awe at how God has transformed my heart.  And I believe that now, as I sit here in awe at how God has blessed me so abundantly with a husband whom I truly love and adore, and a beautiful son who brings me so much joy.

A heartbreak truly is a blessing from the Lord.  And so much transformation and growth comes from these moments of brokenness.  And something that is so hard and so ugly has the power to transform into something so beautiful.

Back to work.

So I have been back to work for 3 months now.  This is what my work space looked like the first week back, and if I'm honest, it still looks like this minus the daffodils of course.  I should add a little bit of spice to it, like a plant, or some updated photos, or a dirty mug or something.

My schedule for the past few months has been two days in the office, two days at home, and then Fridays off (I tend to work a few hours from home on Fridays).

It's hard waking up in the morning and getting myself sorted for work, while also trying to get Jack sorted for the day, which truly just involves a morning feed and a diaper change considering I'm not having to take him anywhere.

My days in the office and my days at home look very different.

The days I'm in the office, Peter's at home with Jack.  And boy does this calm my heart!  It's so nice to walk out that door and know that Jack is in the best hands.  Plus, I can literally just walk out the door.  I don't have to wait for a babysitter to show up, I don't have to drop Jack off anywhere.  I don't have to get bottles sorted or diapers ready because Peter can do it all!  After all, he is Mr. Mom.

On an office day I normally wake up at 6:45, if Jack hasn't woken me up before then.  And I take time to feed him and cuddle with him.  And I spend so much time doing those things that quite often I feel extremely rushed in the morning even though I only need 30 minutes to get myself ready.  And quite often, I take my breakfast and sometimes my makeup on the road.

My mornings look really different on the days I work from home.  I still wake up around the same time, but I'm so much more relaxed.  Everything happens in it's own time and at it's own pace.  I might do a load of laundry, make myself a cup of coffee and some breakfast, tidy up the house a bit, spend some time with Jack, maybe go for a walk/run, and then settle down to do some work.  I'm paid hourly, so I'm paid for the hours of work I do, and let's be honest, some days I do more work than others.  Most days I'm up late at night trying to make up for the work I didn't do during the day, and that's hard.

It's hard not being in the office every day and it's hard not being at home every day.  And it's really hard living in that tension.

It's hard being split between the two.  When I'm at work, I'm eagerly awaiting news from home, and when I'm at home, I'm focused on my work, or at least I try to be, and I feel guilty giving Jack my undivided attention because than I get nothing done work wise.  I feel like I'm dropping all sorts of balls and not giving anything 100%.  And it's so hard.

I'm torn.  And my heart is split.  And I feel guilty.

I'm juggling so many balls, and I'm bound to drop at least one one of these days, if I haven't already done so!  

So my prayer has been for balance - that I would find balance between all the things I am juggling right now.  That I wouldn't feel guilty for being at work or for being at home.  That I could be present where I'm present.  And that with time it would get easier.  I am beyond thankful for my job and beyond thankful for my supervisor and his willingness to let me work from home.  Peter and I are both so blessed to be able to have this time with Jack.

Praising God for the little things!

Routine.

I married a man that isn't a huge fan of routines. People that are really stuck in their ways and set in their routines kind of drive him wild.  Don't get me wrong, he loves those people but he hates their routines. I think it's because he wins the award for being the most flexible and adaptable person I know, and he never wanted to be a parent whose schedule was centered on a baby's sleep schedule. But that was before we were parents, and now I can honestly say we get it.  We completely get why a child's bed time is important to honor because if the child doesn't sleep good neither does the parent. Unfortunately, there isn't a mute button when your child wakes up five times in the night (a bit of an exaggeration but you get the point).

There are so many books out there with so many different philosophies on schedules and routines, and Peter and I just weren't interested in being bound to the babies schedule but we also didn’t want to be the ones that dictated it either, think they call that a parent led schedule.  I truly feel like the last few months we have just studied our child, his cries, his naps, his bed time, etc., and we started to see a pattern so we simply nurtured and encouraged that pattern.

I must say having a routine is amazing simply because it helps us to problem solve during the day…oh he must be tired because he normally naps around this time, oh he must be hungry, it’s been so many hours since he last ate, etc.  Right now, he generally eats every 4 hours during the day, with rice cereal in the late morning, rice cereal in the evening, and maybe a banana treat in the afternoon if he’s up for it!  And he naps 2 times a day – 2-2.5 hours after waking up he naps for an hour and then in the afternoon, a few hours after his second feed, he naps for 1.5-2 hours.  When he’s going to bed around the same time and waking up around the same time in the morning, it’s easier to predict his naps during the day.  It has truly been one of the best things for us, allowing some predictability within this realm of unpredictability, allowing for some sanity amidst the insanity.

And not only do we have a routine for Jack, but we also have a routine for ourselves. I have a coworker, who rotates dinner meals with her husband – she cooks one night, he cooks the other, etc, and I suggested this to Peter.  I don’t mind cooking and I don’t even mind doing the grocery shopping, but I do hate being the one to come up with all the dinner ideas.  So one afternoon, I threw the dinner rotation suggestion out there, and Peter was a little reluctant and said he would think about it.  The man loves to cook, and he doesn’t mind it at all, but once again, it’s a routine, and like I said, he’s not a huge fan of routines.  So when I received an email from him at work stating that he was in, I was slightly shocked.

And so our routine began, with a few exceptions of course, which Peter clearly stated in his initial email to me.

The email word for word -

Ok so I am on board with this dinner malarky, but I have a few rules/suggestions…
1)You cant just say you're making oatmeal
2)We make most of them paleo, or close to it
3)You can only veto one of my meals
4)not sure what else.

I was thinking of making chicken salad (nuts, avocado, tomato, spinach, chicken, carrot, apple, cucumber and pepper) do we have the last two things?

And so it began...salad for dinner and our dinner routines.  It has been so fun to see Peter get all creative with his dinners, and the man is even looking up recipes!!  I love him. 

Here are a few of our creations - and I have even been making my own salad dressings!

I should start posting some of our favorite recipes on the blog.  Right now we are loving eating things from our garden (squash, green beans, blueberries, snap peas, eggs, etc) and chocolate banana Popsicles, definitely not from the garden.

Do any of you have any routine suggestions? or things that you and your family do to keep sane amidst the craziness that can become your life?  I would love to hear!

The Little Things.

The weekend has come and gone and I can't help but wonder what it is I have to show for it!  Jack and I took countless naps together on Saturday, which just left me even more tired, and I don't think that's a good thing!  Sleep deprivation is not all that becoming, hence we have officially began a sleep routine with Jack.  Wish us luck!

This past week seemed really full, blessed, but full, and it felt like Peter and I were just two ships passing in the night.  So it was really nice to be able to spend time together this weekend.

Playdates.

Many of my friends have had babies recently, and I feel so blessed to have friends in this same stage of life!  It has made the transition to life with a baby so much easier.  Here Jack is with his ladies!  Bella, in gray and yellow is 8 weeks old, and then there's Jack who is nearly 5 months, and Jordyn who is 3 months.  Jack and Jordyn's due dates were just two weeks apart so it's fun to see how similar they are developmentally!

Movies.

I watched a few movies this past week.  Finally got around to watching Breaking Dawn Pt. 2, and I must say, I was sad when it all came to an end.  And I know it sounds silly, but I grieved a little.  I mean those books and movies have been a part of my life for years now, and it was sad to think it was all over.  Yes, the movies aren't all that great and neither is the acting, but both got better over time I think.  We also watched Cloud Atlas, which Peter enjoyed, but I was thoroughly confused the entire time.

Workout videos.

Somethings I have been loving lately are workout DVDs - it's so nice to be able to pop in a DVD when Jack is napping! However, the same ones get kind of old after awhile, and I wanted to try something different.  And considering Pure Barre is all the rage right now, I figured I should try it out for myself.  So I went onto YouTube and searched for some videos.  And I have found two that are pretty good - check them out here and here.   And I love it!  I'm always so sore and shaking during some of the movements.  If only I had the money and the time to go to an actual studio.  You should definitely give them a try, and let me know what you think.

Sunday outing.

One of our dear friends was preaching at Union Church in South Lake Union on Sunday, so we decided to check out a new church while supporting our friend!  And it was a great experience.  It truly is a great spot, really family oriented, and I didn't feel weird having Jack sit with us during the service.  It helped that he wasn't the only baby in the room.  I even spotted a mom breastfeeding during the service!  Anyhow, after church we decided to venture over to Lake Union Park - such a cool spot!

And I will leave you with a few random Jack photos!  We are forcing him to have more tummy time, per the pediatricians recommendation, and he still hates it, but amidst his frustration he does cool things like lift his head and attempt to fly!  Love the little picture of him in the middle - just want to smother him with kisses.  And the photo of him sleeping is truly a classic photo.  He loves to be covered while he sleeps.  So funny!

Anyhow, until next week, or next month at the rate I'm posting these days!!

Love,

Malia

The Little Things.

I must say having a smart phone is such a fabulous thing for so many reasons, but one of my favorite reasons is for the camera (and the GPS - can't forget that!  It has saved me many times from getting lost).  I take SO many photos with my phone and probably around 50% of them are simply terrible photos considering I'm still learning how to use the camera.  Yes, I know, it's not that hard, but so many of my photos turn out blurry, and it sucks.  So I take alot of photos just hoping that one of them will turn out okay.

Here are some of the little things that brought me joy this past week.  

And thankfully I was able to capture some photos of those joy filled moments.

 First time visiting Grandpa at work!

First time running errands with Jack and decided to buy myself some new clothes.  That definitely brought me joy.  Running errands with a baby and trying clothes on with said baby in a Moby wrap is the WORST idea ever.  I had to unwrap Jack and set him down on the bench behind me.  Definitely an accomplishment I will gladly celebrate.  Let's just say I will not be doing that again.  Note to self - bring the stroller next time.  That is if there will be a next time.

First trip to the grocery store with baby in tow, and I of course rewarded myself with a donut.

Mr. Mom with baby - downtown Seattle.  On our way to have dinner with some friends.

Jack's happy face during said dinner with friends.  Let's just say we were excited to get him home!

Little baby feet and baby booties.

 The cutest little shop in Ballard with some gorgeous fabrics!  And I loved all the little decorations.  Drygood Designs - check them out.  They even have a sewing room with all sorts of classes. 

 A few of my consignment store finds from Me 'n Moms in Ballard - I think he likes his hand more than the vest.  And yes, I know the hat is too big on him, but I just couldn't resist!

 

Jack and his little sock monkey.  Isn't he just precious??

First fire of the season - Jack was with us in spirit via his baby monitor.  He looks kind of creepy on that screen doesn't he?  You can see the top of his head and his little hat and part of his face.

Jack's first visit to the Arboretum.  

I think he enjoyed himself, but who really knows right?  

He looks so mischievous doesn't he?  Absolutely loving his new hat!

And that's all for now folks - Happy Monday!  May it be blessed.

xoxo,

Malia

The Little Things.

So I have been reading this book called Bloom: Finding Beauty in the Unexpected - a Memoir, and it is about a family and a birth and a beautiful baby girl named Nella who has down syndrome.  See, the family had no idea Nella was going to be born with down syndrome until she was placed in her mother's arms in the delivery room.  This book is about grief and mourning and hope and healing and the importance of community in the midst of the unexpected.  It is a beautiful story, and I promise to write more about it later.

Just reading her words and her sheer thankfulness for the friends and family that graced her hospital room and home reminded me of the many visitors that graced my hospital room and home.  Community is powerful, and I don't think you realize just how powerful until you are in a situation that warrants it.

When I was admitted to the hospital, the troops rallied.  Emails were sent, meals were made, flowers were purchased, and the troops flooded in.  And this continued, even after LB was discharged, because we, like the author of this book, have been blessed with a beautiful community of people that truly care for us.

And even now, 2 months after LB's birth, that community is still rocking our socks off!  This past week, we have been covered in prayer, visits, food, and gifts!

Here are some photos from the past week...

Just hanging out with Auntie Carly!

Birthday celebration for Alicia!

Grey hat and entire outfit courtesy of Waylond Lascheck who is now 3.5 months old.

First play date with Ruby Hill and her lovely momma Amy - she was born on February 8th.  

Getting snuggled by Auntie Jill!  Friends brought us dinner spontaneously on Friday.

And we had even more visitors, and Jack had even more snuggles, but I forgot to document them all!!

Cutest gift from a friend in Ireland!  Even the envelope is cute.  Can't wait till Jack can fit into this outfit.

And a few other randoms...

Guys night on Friday!  While I was dining with my friends inside, Peter was dining with his friends outside - dinner for them consisted of cigars, rum and a fire!  Tough life huh??

And my Birthday/Christmas Pressy from my brother all done and framed and hung up for all to see!  Love it.

I praise God for our friends and family that love us so well and I thank you for walking alongside us through this transition in our lives, while we too find beauty in the unexpected.

Much Love,

Malia

The Little Things.

What a good morning this has been!  As I type this, our little snuggler is snoring away on a pillow next to me, with his head nestled underneath a blanket, and every few moments he grunts and stretches his arms out, and when he's not doing that, I steal a peak at him.  And I am reminded just how precious this little guy is!

And we are so thankful for him, but I am also thankful for so many other things...such as getting my breakfast made and dishes done before baby woke up.  Now please note I didn't say I was able to make and EAT my food, but still!  I eventually got around to eating it and it wasn't terribly cold.

I have been dying to buy a dishwasher basket for all our little items.  I know it might sound silly to be so excited about something so small, but I have been hand washing all sorts of items and bottle parts for awhile now, and let's be honest, it's time consuming!  And guess what?  I found this basket at Marshall's for $3 - bargain if I ever saw one!  So of course I bought it.  I have so many friends that are pregnant right now, and I have been buying all sorts of girly baby items.  And all the mini clothes and little items make me so happy!  And it's so fun to be able to celebrate this next stage of their lives with them.

And another thing that makes me so happy is this little guy!!  We took this picture to document the fact that one of his newborn outfits actually fits him.  The arms are actually kind of short, but the legs are just perfect!  And the photos are hilarious...it looks like hes singing a song and doing a dance, when in reality he was just making noises and moving his hands around, but I suppose in his world that's singing a song and doing a dance!

Peter finally got an extension cord for his side of the bed, and I normally wouldn't have all these cords hanging out for everyone to see, but they are the focal point of the photo!  So the husband can now turn on his bedside lamp and charge his phone at night.  Hooray, he can now set his OWN alarm with his OWN phone!  It's the little things I tell ya! And I ordered a few gems from Amazon - the NoseFrida being one of them.  We tried it out last night and didn't get any treasures out of our little guy's nose, but I had just pulled a little booger out a bit earlier.  And last night I went through my closet and parted with quite a few items - oh I love that stuff!  I have no problem getting rid of things and don't hold onto too many things for sentimental purposes.  My husband on the other hand holds onto things simply for the sentimental reasons even if he hasn't worn the treasured item in YEARS!  Makes for an interesting match and an eventful night of purging.  Let's just say Peter has about 3 items in that bag, while I have about 50!  Love that man.

And lastly, Little Buddy took his first nap in his crib yesterday!  So proud of him.  We have been talking about moving him into his own little area and into his crib, and I'm thinking all three of us would sleep better if we weren't in the same room.  But I think it will be another month or so before we make the move official!  But in the meantime, I figured I should start having him nap in there during the day so he can start to get use to it.  Doesn't he look so small?? And that my friends is a mini crib.  Imagine how small he would seem in a regular sized crib!

And that's all for now folks!

xoxo,

Malia

The Little Things.

Hello Tuesday...and Hello dear friends that I have known for more than half my life!  I absolutely LOVE our get togethers.

Hello sweet, creative Valentine's from dear friends.

Hello Valentine's day dinner and candied walnuts.  So easy and super delicious!  Just wish walnuts weren't so expensive. 

 
Hello my sweet little Valentine.  He is SO teeny tiny!

Hello Valentine's Day chocolates - is it strange that Peter and I got each other the same ones?  We even thought for a second that we had bought the same cards too.  Love being married to this man and being known by him!

Hello comcast and cable and extra channels!

Hello Manguson Park and a little outing with our little man.

Have a great week everyone!!

Love, 

The Drennan's

The Little Things.

I know, I know, I have become one of those mom's that only posts pictures of her baby!!  I keep trying to think of other things to take pictures of, but when you aren't left with that many photo opportunities, other than those of your baby, then this is what happens.

Little Buddy was gifted this little cushion for tummy time, and considering he's not ready for tummy time, I have found another use for it - lounging time.  It's like a mini boppy for babies!

I have started to figure out how to get things done without disturbing the baby!  So I just transport him via his cushion or a pillow to where I am.  And a friend also let me borrow a sling considering all the carriers I have are too big for LB, so I have been carrying baby around in the sling - nice to have my hands free.  And yes, that is Nashville, and yes I have been watching quite a few TV series these days - Nashville, Homeland, Hart of Dixie, Revenge, Scandal, Deception...I have missed some episodes, but what's a girl to do with herself when she's pumping or when baby is sleeping or when she's cleaning, etc - you get the point! Any suggestions???

Little Buddy in his cute hat!!  So thankful for this little hat - he wears it all the time, probably because the little guy doesn't have a choice.  Thankfully the talented hat maker has said she would make him another.  Can't wait to get my hands on that one.

And the grandparents came to visit...do you think they enjoyed themselves??  And let's just say they shoved us out the door to run errands so that we wouldn't be breathing down their necks while they oohed and aahed over him!  Peter and I were racking our brains trying to figure out what to do with ourselves...and guess what we did?  We went shopping...first stop REI and to buy Peter a new backpack...second stop Babies R' Us (Peter's worst nightmare) where we bought a mirror for the car so we can check on LB and so I don't have to ride in the backseat anymore!!

And our first walk around Greenlake with the baby!  Such a pretty night and LB was so good - and we love our stroller which is the Baby Jogger City Select.  It took me ages to land on a stroller and I must say this video helped me decide between the Baby Jogger and the Uppababy.

And I bought LB a little snuggle suit.  Found it at Macy's - originally $34 and on sale for $6.95.  Granted it is a suit for newborns, but it's still big on him, and yes, I know the seasons are changing, but I figured he can wear it through Spring.  Plus, I used a gift certificate to pay for it - I always love that!

So that's all I have for this past week folks!  I am loving being at home with our babe and the time it allows me to do small things like make dinner, clean the house, do laundry, contemplate life, etc.  Taking each day as it comes and cherishing each and every bit of it.

Love,

Malia and LB

The Little Things.

Now that I have a phone - I have been snapping all sorts of photos to share, but I definitely did NOT take this one with my phone!  This one is courtesy of Anna Lee from Blue Nest photography.  I was slightly hesitant to get photos of Jack in his little NICU room, in his little incubator like bed, but let's be honest, I'm never going to forget his time there, so why not document it.  Plus it's a part of his story, and what a story it is!



Hello baby monitor with video and night vision!  Best thing that has ever happened to Peter and I - definitely a must have!  And hello baby feeding ritual...look how teeny tiny his bottle is and he is using a preemie nipple which simply means the nipple flow is a whole lot slower than your regular newborn nipple.  And yes, we are supplementing the breast milk with this stuff called neosure to increase his caloric intake.  He won't need it forever, but at least for another month.



On our way to Jack's first doctor's appointment!  He did so good in his car seat and so good at the actual appointment. He had to get all naked - poor guy, and they even had me take off his diaper, poor mom - considering it was all nasty and full of pee and poop and did I bring extra diapers in with me?  Nope of course not - I left all of that in the car!  Do keep in mind I'm new at this whole mom thing, and I was sure glad when the Dr. said they had diapers and wipes in one of the cupboards for purposes such as this.

And I just had to document his first bath at home!  It was a success, meaning the child didn't drown or pee on himself, and he is now clean.  And our sink fits him perfectly - now he just can't grow too much.  It was so fun to use some of his bath items and to wrap him up in a little hooded towel - of course he peed all over it, but it was fun while it lasted.

Hello presents from family members!!  Here we have a collection of Christmas presents and baby gift items.  We sure do get excited when we see packages at our door.  Thanks so much for your generosity   It is such a blessing.  Can't wait for LB to use all of his new, fun items.

Hello cute hat!  Oh my goodness - this is the cutest hat ever and I love that it's ours and I don't have to give it back to anyone.  And hello swaddle velcro blankets - best invention EVER!  Our little guy LOVES to be swaddled, and these velcro things are so helpful in keeping all his little limbs in place.

And I will leave you with one of Peter's favorite photos from the week...

sending so much love to all of you!!

Malia