Grief and Hard Things

 

My heart feels so heavy this morning, so I turned cartoons on for the boys, made myself a cup of coffee and crawled back into bed with my computer on my lap.

Friends, this week as I have shared the loss of our baby with others and the grief that has come with that, I have heard some really hard stories, and my heart feels so heavy as I reflect on those stories.

One mom shared that they've decided to just have one child, so they were thinking about downsizing their car and remaining in their smallish home, and I thought to myself, I wonder how they came to that conclusion. And then as I shared with her about my miscarriage, she shared with me about hers. She told me about her babies, and the twin that died in utero right after the first trimester, while I looked at the one who lived as she ran around the playground with my boys. And she told me about the miscarriages that followed due to her rare blood disorder.

Her vulnerability and courage was inspiring, and her grief was palpable as her voice caught as she shared how she's still wrestling with the thought that her daughter will be her only. She asked me what it was like taking two kids anywhere and she asked about their sibling relationship, and my heart just broke. Here I am yearning for another child, a third child, and she is yearning for just two, for what I already had!

Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for - Epicurus

And then just a day or so later I heard another story, and if the first story cracked my heart a little, this one shattered it, leaving pieces all over the floor. This story began with a waiting game of a year or so of trying to get pregnant, then came the sheer joy and excitement when it happened! And I'd love to say, that baby is now outside of the womb and in her mama's arms, but that's not how this story ends or begins depending on how you look at it. This baby was born about a month ago via c-section, and her life ended just 10 days later as she was born with an unanticipated brain injury. And while that chapter in the story ends, the mamas grief lives on. One story ends, but another story of deep, deep grief and healing and restoration begins.

As I sit here in that grief, I'm just overwhelmed by all those stories that I have heard and all those I have yet to hear, all those stories of hurt, of pain, of deep, deep grief that have eventually led to healing and restoration as they live into what is rather than hoping for what will be or what could have been.

And as friends share with me their pregnancy news, I rejoice with them and the story God is writing for their family, while yearning for God to write another child into our story.

And amidst the waiting and anticipating and releasing and laying down, I'm reminded that this is what life is all about. Life is full of challenges, trials and tribulations. We all walk through grief and hard things, and our response to those hard things lies in our own hands.

We can choose whether we will turn toward Him, allowing for something new to be born, for someone new to be born, or we can choose to turn away from Him, turning inward in our grief, spiraling deeper and deeper down into the depths of despair.

Will we turn outward and pour ourselves out, revealing our hurts and aches and pains, exposing our vulnerable souls, while allowing God to transform us and heal us, showcasing His work within us to the world?

Will we cling to the hope that He promises, or will we get lost in our own grief and forget about all those promises?

Will we turn outward?

Or will we turn inward?

God is at work in all of our lives. Yet, do we truly believe this?

Do we create space to show that work even amidst the grief and hard things?

Do we open ourselves up to Him to allow Him to use our story and our grief for His glory?

These are the questions I've been asking myself.

I wrote this post about Grief and Sad things nearly 5 years ago to the day, while I was pregnant with Jack, never dreaming that I'd be the one walking through the loss of a child, never dreaming that God would write that chapter into our story. But He has, and now we get to choose how we respond to that loss, while trusting that God is at work in all of it.