My Dearest Ryan,
I can't believe in just a few short months you'll be three. I look at you and you still feel like a baby to me, your little hands with the dimples in them, your toddler stance, and your little legs, but then I hold a baby, a real baby, and I realize just how big you truly are.
Just a few days ago we were driving in the car, and you declared I'm big mama, and I was like yes, yes you are big Ryan.
There are moments when I miss that 5 lb baby and the way you depended on me for survival. But if I'm incredibly honest, I've never been a huge newborn fan. Yes, I love that newborns are so cuddly and they'll just lay on you for hours! But they're also incredibly unpredictable. And that is hard.
And yes, two is a very challenging age, and you my child challenge every sense of my being, especially when your favorite word is no, but I love that you have such strong opinions and preferences and you can communicate those to us. And in this stage, I'm not exhausted from lack of sleep, but rather from the actual parenting, the discipling, the cultivating, the teaching. It's hard work, but it's good work and it's growth work, and I love every bit of it.
And every night, you ask to rock in the rocking chair. So we turn the lights off, and rock with you for a few minutes before we put you in your crib, and yes, you're still sleeping in your mini crib.
And tonight, as I held you and rocked with you, I prayed over you and whispered God's promises and my hopes for you in your little ear.
May you come to know the Lord and have a relationship with Him.
May you desire to live like Him.
May you always know just how much you are loved by me and by your Heavenly Father.
May you live within the world, but not be of the world.
May you treat people with kindness and compassion.
May you be strong and courageous!
And may you experience full freedom to live into who God has created you to be!
And after I said the last line, your little voice whispered, "Okay" against my cheek and I lost it.
And the tears came.
And I just thought, this is what it's all about.
In the stillness of the night, a mama rocking her baby and pouring out her hopes and dreams for her child to the Lord and to the child himself, laying him down at the alter, releasing him to the Lord, again and again and again.
My dearest Ryan, you are not mine to hold onto, but rather mine to raise. And my hope and prayer is that you get a glimpse of God's goodness, His mercy and His grace, in my laying down, in my raising up, in my own parenting journey.
May we cultivate your growth and your spirit in such a way that not only brings honor and glory to the Lord, but also honors who God has truly created you to be.
I love you so much Ry guy bear,
Mama
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