Dear Ryan {almost 3}

My dearest Ryan,

Your dad took Jack to the library, and you're napping, thank goodness for naps still as it gives me a chance to sit and rest and reflect. 

And any time I get a chance to write, I just sit back and think about how blessed I am to be your mama. Wow, such a gift, this role and this title is such an incredible gift. It's so hard, so incredibly hard, but it's so very good. 

Ryan, when I think back to your 2 year old self, I hope and pray I remember the sheer joy and determination you possessed at such a young age. I can't help but wonder how much of your 2 year old self will be reflected in your 12 year old self or your 22 year old self or your 32 year old self. 

I'd say terrible twos was a real thing with you. I don't think Jack tested me nearly as much as you do, but your stubbornness is out of this world and it sends me reeling some days. Like that one time we were in Dublin and we got on the train at 5:00, right during prime traveling time, and the train was packed and there wasn't a single seat in sight, and you just wriggled out of my arms and took off weaving through legs, screaming at the top of your lungs, I need a seat, I need a seat. And I chased after you, excusing myself, and declaring to people, Uhh, that's not my kid haha!! But lo and behold, you finally found a seat, and crawled up into it by the time I got to you, all the while I was sweating and laughing at your sheer determination. 

You knew what you wanted and you went after it. 

And Ryan, I admire that about you. I admire just how opinionated you are at such a young age, how your sense of self is steadfast and how you fight for what you want. 

And if I'm incredibly honest, I hope you hold fast to that part of your self, that you don't let the world tear that part of you down, that you never forget just how worthy you are of being loved, of having a voice, of being heard. 

I hope you never forget your boldness, your sense of fairness and equity. 

I hope you never stop laughing and that life always brings you so much joy. 

And I hope and pray that the joy of the Lord lives within your spirit always, that you are motivated in this life by the love He has for you and the love He has for others.

Love you,

Mama

My Dearest Ryan {2.5 years}

My Dearest Ryan,

I can't believe in just a few short months you'll be three. I look at you and you still feel like a baby to me, your little hands with the dimples in them, your toddler stance, and your little legs, but then I hold a baby, a real baby, and I realize just how big you truly are.

Just a few days ago we were driving in the car, and you declared I'm big mama, and I was like yes, yes you are big Ryan.

There are moments when I miss that 5 lb baby and the way you depended on me for survival. But if I'm incredibly honest, I've never been a huge newborn fan. Yes, I love that newborns are so cuddly and they'll just lay on you for hours! But they're also incredibly unpredictable. And that is hard.

And yes, two is a very challenging age, and you my child challenge every sense of my being, especially when your favorite word is no, but I love that you have such strong opinions and preferences and you can communicate those to us. And in this stage, I'm not exhausted from lack of sleep, but rather from the actual parenting, the discipling, the cultivating, the teaching. It's hard work, but it's good work and it's growth work, and I love every bit of it.

And every night, you ask to rock in the rocking chair. So we turn the lights off, and rock with you for a few minutes before we put you in your crib, and yes, you're still sleeping in your mini crib.

And tonight, as I held you and rocked with you, I prayed over you and whispered God's promises and my hopes for you in your little ear.

May you come to know the Lord and have a relationship with Him.

May you desire to live like Him.

May you always know just how much you are loved by me and by your Heavenly Father.

May you live within the world, but not be of the world.

May you treat people with kindness and compassion.

May you be strong and courageous!

And may you experience full freedom to live into who God has created you to be!

And after I said the last line, your little voice whispered, "Okay" against my cheek and I lost it.

And the tears came.

And I just thought, this is what it's all about.

In the stillness of the night, a mama rocking her baby and pouring out her hopes and dreams for her child to the Lord and to the child himself, laying him down at the alter, releasing him to the Lord, again and again and again.

My dearest Ryan, you are not mine to hold onto, but rather mine to raise. And my hope and prayer is that you get a  glimpse of God's goodness, His mercy and His grace, in my laying down, in my raising up, in my own parenting journey.

May we cultivate your growth and your spirit in such a way that not only brings honor and glory to the Lord, but also honors who God has truly created you to be.

I love you so much Ry guy bear,

Mama

Dear Ryan {2.5 years}

 

My dearest Ryan,

Your half birthday was a month ago. Oops! But it just so happens that you're napping and I'm getting a chance to sit down in the silence of our home and write a letter to you.

I can't believe you're already 2.5 years old. Where has the time gone? How are you so big?

What a true delight you are. So full of energy and life and laughter. You just go, go, go when you're awake and sleep hard when you're asleep.

You are a force of nature, exceptionally fearless and determined. Quite often your dada will say, Jack never would have done that as his age!! But I suppose you do what you need to do to keep up with the big kids, your brother included. You love doing what he's doing.

You are very independent and you want to do everything yourself. No I do it mama, I do it! And I'll watch you struggle for a short while, then I'll offer my help. Sometimes you can do it on your own and sometimes you can't, but I love seeing the determination in that face of yours.

You love putting other people's shoes on and walking around the house - you think it's the funniest thing ever, but then again, everything brings you joy. You fill our home with so much laughter and love.

You love giving hugs and kisses and you love wrestling with your brother. And you LOVE to talk. Truly, we could go for a car ride, and Jack will fall asleep like minutes into the ride, but you my child will just talk and talk and talk. Quite often you're not even talking to your dad and I, but just making noises and singing songs and talking to your lovies. Your little voice is the cutest though and you can't pronounce F, so you use S instead - I sall down and hurt my sace. And you use to say dodo for different - I want the dodo one, but you just started saying diffent instead of dodo, and that about broke your dadas heart.

And lately, before you go to bed, you've been wanting to rock in your rocking chair with mama. So we sit in the chair, and we rock, and you give me a play by play of your day, sharing with me the things that scared you from weeks ago. And I just revel in the moment of stillness, your body is still even though your mouth won't stop moving!! I love this time. And then eventually I put you in your bed, place your little blankie over you, and surround you with all your stuffies - elmo, baby, lovie, and doggie.

Some days it saddens me to see how just how independent you have become, but most days I delight in the fact that you are growing into an independent being that has likes and dislikes right before my very eyes. What a joy it is to witness. May we give you space to be you, to grow up to be brave and courageous, speaking truth to the world.

May we cultivate your strong spirit in such a way that honors you and honors the Lord. May we truly see you for who God created you to be, rather than who we want you to be. I hope and pray you grow up to know who you are and whose you are. May your identity rest in the ways of the Lord and not in the ways of the world. May the Lord fill you in a way the world never can.

Every single day I release you to Him, as you are not mine to hold onto.

Ryan Alexander, it is truly a joy being your mama and one of my greatest privileges.

I'll love you forever,

Mama

Happy {2nd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

Your birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I'm just now sitting down to write to you. It's a Friday, but we dropped your brother off at school today and I don't work today (yay!), and you're currently napping in your room, so I decided to crawl back into bed and put my fingers to the keyboard. These moments of silence and stillness are so rare these days.

And I thought, everything else can wait as I have a letter to write to my second born.

It feels so surreal to think my baby is 2 years old already and that it's been 2 years since I was pregnant. Where has the time gone?

Yet as I sit here reflecting over the past 2 years, I remember. I close my eyes, and I'm taken back to another moment in time before I knew who your two year old self would be. And I remember.

And as I read over your birth story, I remember the waiting, the anticipating. I remember the emotions, the tears, the pain, the excitement. I remember just how sick I was with a terrible cough, which was later diagnosed as bronchitis.

I remember the woman I was 2 years ago. I remember the hope for a different birth story. I remember the worship music that was playing in the background and the beautiful way your dada and our dear friend Erin gathered around me and supported me as they prayed over me and your birth. I remember the sacredness and the holiness of that birthing experience. And I remember the tears of joy and relief as you exited my body and as I praised God for the gift of a different birth story! I remember our first moments together, and I remember just how teeny tiny you were, weighing in at 5 lbs 11 oz.

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my second chance, my remaking. I saw you first as a missed period! And then came the two lines on a pregnancy test. We announced your existence to the grandparents with said pregnancy test, except this time your older brother was the one holding it! Tutu (my mom) announced your gender as well, another BOY she exclaimed. And I remember gasping, as I loudly declared another boy... BROTHERS!! Jack's going to have a brother! And eventually the fear came that your birth story would be the same as your brothers. But by the grace of God your story is different. And as thankful as I am for both experiences, I praise God for that different story. He healed me through you, you are my remaking.

I get emotional just replaying the video from the gender reveal (see post) as I had no idea what awaited me. Another Boy...Brothers. I had no idea what this even meant. But let me tell you what it means now, you my child are such a little lover, always telling everyone you come into contact with that you love them, asking for hugs and kisses. And you adore your brother. You copy him and follow him around everywhere. He drives you wild, but no one can make you laugh like he can. And when you two hug and kiss on your own accord, my heart breaks a little at the beautiful sight of it. And as your brother was walking out the door to go to school today, he said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And he ran back into your room, and he squeezed you tight and smothered you with kisses and you wrapped your little arms around him and just stood there. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as I didn't want to intrude upon this beautiful moment.

Good Lord this life is such a gift. You, my son, are such a gift! I can't even put into words the joy you bring to our family. And tears begin to stream down my face as I begin to attempt to. You my son are full of joy, always. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely opinionated and so determined to get what you want when you want it, and you definitely throw your fair share of tantrums and your death grip is insane, but your belly laugh is out of this world. And your love for dancing is contagious! You're constantly declaring, "C'mon Mama, Dance!" as you reach for my hand. So I grab your little hand and turn on the music and laugh and dance with you as you wave your arms and stomp your feet. I wish you could meet your almost 2 year old self, you would just love him. He's so funny. And he thinks other people are even funnier. "Funny," your little voice declares as you belly laugh. And I'm left baffled that a 2 year old could have a sense of humor and experience joy like yours.

I can't believe I get to be your mom!

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy 2nd birthday Ryan Alexander!

Love,

Your Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Ryan

Dearest Ryan,

I'm actually writing this on your birthday, rather than on your birthday eve, but better late than never right? Just like your Birthday Eve post last year! I had the best intentions to write something last night as I was sitting and reflecting and reading over your birth story, but alas, it didn't happen. And once I did sit down for the night, I found myself sitting in front of my computer to finish some work tasks, rather than sitting in front of my computer to write about life and my emotions and your birth.

But alas, here I am! And I can't believe it's been nearly 2 years since I was pregnant. How did that happen? Feels like forever ago. Yet I was feeling all the feels last night as I baked and smothered your cake in chocolate buttercream frosting. And I just thought this time 2 years ago I was eagerly awaiting and anticipating your arrival.

I'd been in the hospital for one night already, I'd started the induction process, and I had absolutely no idea what awaited me.

I had no idea as to how long I would labor, or how much you would weigh or who you would become.

I had no idea just how wide my heart could expand and how deeply we could love you!

I had no idea just how refining these two years would be for my spirit and my soul.

I had no idea just how beautiful it would be to watch your relationship with your brother develop.

I had no idea just how deeply Jack would love you nor how thankful he would be for you.

We are so thankful for you Ryan, and we thank God for you, for your life, for your joy, for your laughter, for the 2 years we've had together. 

And I'm so thankful for your birth story. And I get even more emotional now that I know the full story, now that I've lived through it. That birthing experience rocked my world and healed me and restored me in a way I never even knew I needed. It was my second chance, and it still feels like such a gift to have had such a different story the second time around.

And last night as I held you tight, smothered you with kisses, and nuzzled your neck till you laughed, I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. I just prayed over you and cried out to the Lord (and pleaded for so many more years of life!) with tears streaming down my face. Thank you Jesus for this boy. Thank you Jesus for the privilege of being his mama! Thank you Jesus for his joy and his love for life. May we continue to release him to You, always remembering that he is Yours. May he come to know you and not only Believe IN you, but Believe you and live by your truths. May I continue to be overwhelmed by Your goodness and Your grace. And may you grant Peter and I the wisdom and the strength to raise him up in a way that honors and glorifies you. Amen.

And then I placed you in your bed and you said bye mama. It was all just beautiful.

And then you woke up a few hours later and wouldn't go back to sleep, and you woke up your brother. So I eventually went back into your room and grabbed you out of your bed and held you against my chest. And as I felt the rise of your chest on mine, I just thought, the days are long, but the years truly are short. Before I know it, you won't be sleeping in your mini crib, and you won't be able to fit the same in my arms.

And I could get all nostalgic and sad for the years that have passed. But on the eve of your birthday, I'm filled with so much excitement, just as I was 2 years ago, as I can't wait to see who you become, to watch you grow (Lord willing), to discover more of who you are.

Love you so much!

Mama

 

Lessons from a One Year Old

Another post from the husband

Ryan Alexander you are only 18 months old. I am much older than you. I don’t want you to grow up. I tried to make a deal with your brother about not growing up. He seemed to agree but then went right ahead and sprouted into a threenager in the blink of an eye. I guess the lesson is you can’t trust a baby to stick to his word?

You have taught me quite a lot in your short life. You taught me how to grow an even bigger heart, to let in even more love. You have taught me how to laugh even harder at the silliest of things. Or maybe the Dad jokes and renditions of “Chim, chimeny, chim, chimeny, chim, chim, cheroo” are actually that hilarious? If they are courtesy laughs, then my son, I see a bright future for you in Hollywood.

But I think the biggest thing you have taught me is how to be utterly fearless, and ambitious to the max. You will try to descend the steepest of stairs, or ascend the highest of couches and you will fall but you get up and try again. You want to walk without help, you don’t need a hand, you know we will catch you if necessary…Fear has no hold on you, just the limits of your 18month old body and some silly physics…If you keep living like that the world will be your oyster, and your parents will probably have ulcers watching you live life to the max. To Ryan my fearless boy. Godspeed.

Open Letter to Two Toddlers

Post from the husband

Jack Emmet and Ryan Alexander. This is your dad, before he got really old and grey (or is it gray?)

These past nine months, which is half of your burgeoning life Ryan, have been one rocky road for me and your wonderful Mamma. I am hoping that when you read this it will be all but a distant memory to all of us. A moment that with the 20/20 vision of hindsight will seem to be a time filled with opportunity and light. Hopefully.

But to be honest right now it feels like I am groping in the dark looking for a light switch that someone keeps moving just out of my reach. In my foolishness I am tripping and falling over, trying to run in the dark when I should sit still or maybe just crawl…On October 15th, 2015 I lost my job. The non profit I worked for, believed in, and shed tears for ran out of money. This felt like not such a big deal at the time but as job offers failed to come in, as I got more and more emails of “rejection”, it began to feel more and more like death by 1,000 cuts. Why is it that with almost a decade of international development experience, a Bachelors, a Masters, and half way to another Masters that I can not even seem to land an internship? Has the Lord forgotten me? [No]…Slowly questions, doubts, anger, and utter sadness seep in. At the same time my Dad, your Grandpa was pushed into early retirement, my Granny (Great Granny) passed away, our car was side swiped, and I cracked the screen of new my phone (OK that last one was not such a big deal…).

At the same time we struggle to raise you two muppets as best we can. Malia, Ryan, and Jack you have been my earthly anchors. Boys, I hope that this struggle is over soon but until then thank you for your endless laughter, unbridled joy, limitless imagination, stupendous love, handsome good looks, and complete trust in us. In your young minds I am still the main man, and when every day is a struggle with insecurity about my worth you are the daily reminder of how much Jesus loves me and believes in me. Your Mamma is not too shabby either…In the words of the Beach Boys (tell me you know who the Beach Boys are….)

“God only knows what I’d be without you”