Happy {2nd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

Your birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I'm just now sitting down to write to you. It's a Friday, but we dropped your brother off at school today and I don't work today (yay!), and you're currently napping in your room, so I decided to crawl back into bed and put my fingers to the keyboard. These moments of silence and stillness are so rare these days.

And I thought, everything else can wait as I have a letter to write to my second born.

It feels so surreal to think my baby is 2 years old already and that it's been 2 years since I was pregnant. Where has the time gone?

Yet as I sit here reflecting over the past 2 years, I remember. I close my eyes, and I'm taken back to another moment in time before I knew who your two year old self would be. And I remember.

And as I read over your birth story, I remember the waiting, the anticipating. I remember the emotions, the tears, the pain, the excitement. I remember just how sick I was with a terrible cough, which was later diagnosed as bronchitis.

I remember the woman I was 2 years ago. I remember the hope for a different birth story. I remember the worship music that was playing in the background and the beautiful way your dada and our dear friend Erin gathered around me and supported me as they prayed over me and your birth. I remember the sacredness and the holiness of that birthing experience. And I remember the tears of joy and relief as you exited my body and as I praised God for the gift of a different birth story! I remember our first moments together, and I remember just how teeny tiny you were, weighing in at 5 lbs 11 oz.

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my second chance, my remaking. I saw you first as a missed period! And then came the two lines on a pregnancy test. We announced your existence to the grandparents with said pregnancy test, except this time your older brother was the one holding it! Tutu (my mom) announced your gender as well, another BOY she exclaimed. And I remember gasping, as I loudly declared another boy... BROTHERS!! Jack's going to have a brother! And eventually the fear came that your birth story would be the same as your brothers. But by the grace of God your story is different. And as thankful as I am for both experiences, I praise God for that different story. He healed me through you, you are my remaking.

I get emotional just replaying the video from the gender reveal (see post) as I had no idea what awaited me. Another Boy...Brothers. I had no idea what this even meant. But let me tell you what it means now, you my child are such a little lover, always telling everyone you come into contact with that you love them, asking for hugs and kisses. And you adore your brother. You copy him and follow him around everywhere. He drives you wild, but no one can make you laugh like he can. And when you two hug and kiss on your own accord, my heart breaks a little at the beautiful sight of it. And as your brother was walking out the door to go to school today, he said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And he ran back into your room, and he squeezed you tight and smothered you with kisses and you wrapped your little arms around him and just stood there. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as I didn't want to intrude upon this beautiful moment.

Good Lord this life is such a gift. You, my son, are such a gift! I can't even put into words the joy you bring to our family. And tears begin to stream down my face as I begin to attempt to. You my son are full of joy, always. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely opinionated and so determined to get what you want when you want it, and you definitely throw your fair share of tantrums and your death grip is insane, but your belly laugh is out of this world. And your love for dancing is contagious! You're constantly declaring, "C'mon Mama, Dance!" as you reach for my hand. So I grab your little hand and turn on the music and laugh and dance with you as you wave your arms and stomp your feet. I wish you could meet your almost 2 year old self, you would just love him. He's so funny. And he thinks other people are even funnier. "Funny," your little voice declares as you belly laugh. And I'm left baffled that a 2 year old could have a sense of humor and experience joy like yours.

I can't believe I get to be your mom!

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy 2nd birthday Ryan Alexander!

Love,

Your Mama