I'm actually writing this on your birthday, rather than on your birthday eve, but better late than never right? Just like your Birthday Eve post last year! I had the best intentions to write something last night as I was sitting and reflecting and reading over your birth story, but alas, it didn't happen. And once I did sit down for the night, I found myself sitting in front of my computer to finish some work tasks, rather than sitting in front of my computer to write about life and my emotions and your birth.
But alas, here I am! And I can't believe it's been nearly 2 years since I was pregnant. How did that happen? Feels like forever ago. Yet I was feeling all the feels last night as I baked and smothered your cake in chocolate buttercream frosting. And I just thought this time 2 years ago I was eagerly awaiting and anticipating your arrival.
I'd been in the hospital for one night already, I'd started the induction process, and I had absolutely no idea what awaited me.
I had no idea as to how long I would labor, or how much you would weigh or who you would become.
I had no idea just how wide my heart could expand and how deeply we could love you!
I had no idea just how refining these two years would be for my spirit and my soul.
I had no idea just how beautiful it would be to watch your relationship with your brother develop.
I had no idea just how deeply Jack would love you nor how thankful he would be for you.
We are so thankful for you Ryan, and we thank God for you, for your life, for your joy, for your laughter, for the 2 years we've had together.
And I'm so thankful for your birth story. And I get even more emotional now that I know the full story, now that I've lived through it. That birthing experience rocked my world and healed me and restored me in a way I never even knew I needed. It was my second chance, and it still feels like such a gift to have had such a different story the second time around.
And last night as I held you tight, smothered you with kisses, and nuzzled your neck till you laughed, I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. I just prayed over you and cried out to the Lord (and pleaded for so many more years of life!) with tears streaming down my face. Thank you Jesus for this boy. Thank you Jesus for the privilege of being his mama! Thank you Jesus for his joy and his love for life. May we continue to release him to You, always remembering that he is Yours. May he come to know you and not only Believe IN you, but Believe you and live by your truths. May I continue to be overwhelmed by Your goodness and Your grace. And may you grant Peter and I the wisdom and the strength to raise him up in a way that honors and glorifies you. Amen.
And then I placed you in your bed and you said bye mama. It was all just beautiful.
And then you woke up a few hours later and wouldn't go back to sleep, and you woke up your brother. So I eventually went back into your room and grabbed you out of your bed and held you against my chest. And as I felt the rise of your chest on mine, I just thought, the days are long, but the years truly are short. Before I know it, you won't be sleeping in your mini crib, and you won't be able to fit the same in my arms.
And I could get all nostalgic and sad for the years that have passed. But on the eve of your birthday, I'm filled with so much excitement, just as I was 2 years ago, as I can't wait to see who you become, to watch you grow (Lord willing), to discover more of who you are.
Love you so much!
Mama
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