Your birthday was days ago, and I'm just now sitting down to reflect on the fact that you truly are a year old! We leave for Ireland tomorrow - your first international flight, and I know that if I don't get my thoughts written down now, then I won't do it. And I can't let another day pass me by.
The reality is, life is busy with two. And I apologize for not taking the time to write and reflect on the eve of your birthday and on your actual birthday as I did with your brother. If I'm honest, I had bible study on the eve of your birthday and we brought you and Jack to a Christmas party on your actual birthday. However, we did celebrate you big time the weekend before with some of our dearest friends and family.
So here I am a week later finally writing. And I want you to know that you my child are so loved and your joy is contagious.
It's truly wild to think you've been outside of the womb for over 365 days now. It feels so surreal.
I can't believe it's been over a year since I was in the hospital waiting on your arrival. This first year goes so fast. And I think it went even faster the second time around.
And all of this (birth story) seems like such a distant memory, yet when I read over my thoughts, the tears stream down my face and the emotions come flooding back.
I remember that night...I remember the days leading up to it. I remember going in for a routine NST only to be told I wouldn't be going home that afternoon...only to be told they were concerned for you and that I may need to be induced sooner than we had planned. The plan was to start the induction process that next Wednesday night, and here we were Saturday afternoon. This wasn't part of the plan. Once again, I didn't even have my hospital bag packed. You would have thought I would have learned from my first experience with your brother, but nope. And I was so incredibly sick with bronchitis but I didn't know that at the time.
They kept me hooked up to the monitor for HOURS and then wheeled me away in a wheelchair for an ultrasound and you weren't moving much...but they said they'd keep me overnight and do another ultrasound in the AM, and that would determine our next steps. Looking back now, I could have started the induction process right then and there, but I was reluctant as I was really hoping for my own Dr. to deliver you and the thought of going into labor as sick as I was...wasn't exactly what I had envisioned. They hoped a night of fluids would help me, but alas it didn't. And we started the induction process Sunday afternoon.
And what a process it was - one filled with so much hope and anticipation. Hope for a different birth story and so much anticipation for what was to come in the next 30 hours! I just remember sitting in the rocking chair on Sunday night once again watching Downton Abbey, just as I had two years before with Jack, sipping hot water and chicken broth in hopes of easing my cough as I was so incredibly sick just as I was two years ago with Jack. I had envisioned such a different story, and it felt surreal to be replaying it all in a way.
But that is where the similarities end my sweet boy.
Your story is such a different one and I can't help but praise God for that. Truly, as hard as labor was and as painful as the contractions were, it was such an honor and a beautiful privilege to experience it all. I remember thinking...this is how it's suppose to be.
And as I reread the words in your birth story, I closed my eyes and remembered where I was over a year ago around the time of your birth (8:59 PM). I was so incredibly emotional and the space felt so sacred and holy as worship music played and as your dad and my dear friend Erin prayed over me. I was so tired and so excited and so incredibly sick. And I was in shock that by the grace of God, we had done it (with the help of an epidural of course) and we were going to meet you in a matter of pushes and in a matter of minutes. And I couldn't even believe you were going to exit my body vaginally! What an incredible experience.
I remember the nurse saying..."We can see his head!!" and I remember asking the nurse if I could touch your head. And I remember the sheer awe and amazement at what was happening! And I remember the tears. And I remember your cry. Oh my goodness, do I remember your cry. You literally slipped out of me and they brought you right up to my chest.
You were so tiny!! You weighed in at 5 lbs 11 ounces and you were 18.5 inches long, and you were just precious right from the start.
The whole experience was just so surreal. I kept waiting for them to take you away from me. I even remember telling the nurse that night, wait so I can just feed him and change his diaper and do whatever I want whenever I want? I remember thinking...what do I do with him? I mean I've never done this before?
And then the next night, literally 25 hours after you were born, we buckled you into your car seat and took you home with us. Now THAT felt incredibly surreal as I had NEVER done that before.
You've grown so much this past year and rather than mourn the loss of my teeny tiny newborn baby, I'm rejoicing in the sweet little independent boy you have become!
You are such a treasure from the Lord, and it is an honor and a privilege to be your mom. I can't even imagine my life without you in it, and I don't want to.
I had no idea how much my heart would stretch with love for you. You are so deeply loved my sweet son. Not only by your dad and I and Jack of course but also by your Creator. He is the one that knit you together in my womb. He is the one that created you. May I never forget this and may I never take your life for granted.
I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.
Happy first Birthday Ryan Alexander!
Love,
Your Mama
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