Growing Older

So it was my birthday yesterday and I am now 34 years old.

I know some people yearn for their younger years or some truly dread their older years. But with each passing year I have come to see that growing older is such a privilege. To be able to witness the change and transformation and development and growth within myself and those around me is such a privilege. And to be able to walk through various stages of life with loved ones is such a tremendous privilege.

And let's be honest, I love growing older. I am so much more secure in who I am and who God created me to be, and with each passing year I lean more and more into that person.  

And yesterday I just woke up feeling so thankful for another year, for life, for my life.

So thankful to the Lord for giving me life. 

So thankful to my parents for bringing me into life and for raising me.

So thankful to my husband for loving me so deeply, for challenging me.

And so incredibly thankful for this life and the day that laid ahead.

I truly had no idea just how beautiful yesterday would be.

The morning began with coffee and donuts, and a friend and I went to a consignment sale where I bought all sorts of treasures for my boys, mainly Jack as we don't have clothes for him!

And then I was whisked away to a birthday brunch with some of my dearest friends. They showered me with love and kind words and their presence was so treasured. To be honest, it was rather overwhelming. And so humbling to think they were all there on a Saturday morning to celebrate me.

And then the celebration continued with some friends scheduling me an appointment at InSpa, dropping me off, and then paying for the appointment. It was so overwhelmed with gratitude for the day, and I found myself getting so emotional sitting in the chair as the kind woman clipped my toenails.

I sent Peter a text informing him as to where I was and stating that I just felt so emotional and overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord for all these beautiful souls I'm privileged to call my friends. 

And he replied...."You are loved..Breathe it in."

So as I sat in that chair, and I breathed it in.

And as I kept breathing, I was able to talk myself down from bawling in the chair. And I just praised Jesus. And thanked my friends.

And then I arrived home to a baked cake and the chance to celebrate and sing Happy Birthday with my boys. And it was beautiful and oh so messy. Haha!

And I opened my cards and the mystery box from Amazon and someone had bought me the book Present over Perfect. Thank you to that mystery person. I can't wait to read it again and highlight bits and write all over it because I don't have to return it to the library. And I can't wait to loan it out to people.

And then my dear coworker and her sweet husband came over to watch our boys so that Peter and I and my brother in law could celebrate my birthday with my family sans kiddos. And the food, the company, the joy, the love was so incredibly good. I love that family of mine. I love the honesty, the vulnerability, the love, the laughter, the grief - I love and truly cherish our time together. The relationships are so rich and I just love my parents so much. They are such beautiful people with the most beautiful souls. And Peter and I are so blessed to walk through this life with them.

And then my husband gave a little toast at dinner.

"Let's raise a glass to my wife, the love of my life."

Cue more emotions, and more feeling of gratitude.

You guys, I'm so thankful for this last year. It's been one of my hardest ones yet, but it's been so incredibly good for my soul. And I just stood in awe at the Lord this morning as I reflected on the year and my day yesterday. My heart and my soul were just so incredibly full and so eternally grateful.

Thank you Jesus for this life, thank you for another year, thank you for another day and another chance to worship you and praise you.

Thank you for the privilege of growing older.

Dear Jack {Here's to THREE years}

To my sweet and silly Jack Emmet,

Today is your third birthday. Another year of life in the books (Year 1 and Year 2). I can't even believe you are three years old already. I shake my head in disbelief that I am the mother of a three year old! How is it even possible that you have been outside of my womb for three whole years already? 

All of this (Part one and Part two of your birth story) truly seems like such a distant memory, yet when I read over my thoughts, even after all this time and a second baby and a different birth story, I can still feel the rawness of the emotions and the uncertainty.

We had no idea what awaited us. 

We had absolutely no idea what we were in for - the love, the energy, and the laughter.

We had no idea just how much we would love you.

I had no idea just how much you would change me.  

And I had no idea just how mixed my emotions would be about you growing older. 

With each passing day and each passing year, you become more and more independent as you blossom into your own being fully apart from me. Your need for me now is so different than it was in your early days. It's all so bittersweet and beautiful really. Part of me wants to cry...Don't GROW up, never GROW up, stay small forever, and the other part of me wants to cry...I hope and pray I get to see you GROW up, to witness the person you will become.

It truly blows my mind when I look at this little teeny tiny 4 lb person and the three year old boy in front of me. I can't even believe you were ever that wrinkly and teeny tiny. 

And when I see photos of you from your first few days, I can't help but smile to myself. You were so new and so incredibly small and such a baby. I had absolutely NO idea as to who you would become or who I would become in the process. 

And now with three years of life in the books, I feel as though I can speak into who you are right now. 

You are fierce and a little force to be reckoned with. You are so strong willed, yet so sweet. 

You are truly such a character. You are just so silly and you do things in hopes of making other people laugh. You love to make your brother laugh, and the sound of you two laughing together, there truly isn't anything better. 

You wake up in the morning with a huge smile on your face, ready to face the world. And from the moment you open your eyes it's go, go, go. YOU HAVE SO MUCH ENERGY! I truly don't know how you do it nor do I know how your dad and I keep up with you - it's truly only by the grace of God. 

Everything to you is an adventure and I see the world differently through your eyes. You truly find joy in everything. 

However, even as your little personality evolves, I still have no idea who you will be at my age (33) or who I will become as we dive deeper into our relationship. But one thing I do know, I hope and pray I am privileged enough to see it. 

Thank you my child for your love and your laughter and for your patience as we navigate this crazy world together. 

And thank you Jesus for Jack - as parenting is not for the faint of heart. Thank you for your grace and for new beginnings and new days as we both know I've definitely needed my fair share of do overs. And yet, I've never been more exhausted and more fulfilled in all my life. Raising this little person is such a privilege, may I never forget that in our joyous moments and on our hardest days. 

I love you so much Jack Emmet!

Love,

Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Ryan

Dearest Ryan,

I started to write this post on the Eve of your birthday and I'm just getting around to finishing it - only a few weeks late! These are second child problems. :) But better late than never right?

As I sit here on the eve of your birthday, I am feeling a bit nostalgic, which I suppose is only natural, right? And I can't help but wonder why all my babies have such dramatic entrances into the world.

This time last year I had been in the hospital for just a night. The induction process had begun, yet I had no idea what awaited me.

A year ago today, I was completely unaware as to when I'd be meeting you or how long this whole labor thing would last.

Completely uncertain as to when you would be exiting the womb and entering my arms.

And completely oblivious to the sheer joy you would bring our family.

I wish I could tell my old self, the one from over a year ago, the one that wrote this post about doing this whole parent thing a second time.

Just wait till you meet him. He will bring so much magic into your lives.

You have NO idea the joy he will bring your family.

You have NO idea just how much you will want another baby after this one.

You have NO idea just how much your family has been missing without this little one.

And you were right, going from one to two is hard and exhausting, but eventually Jack and Ryan will get to a stage where they can play with each other and engage each other.

And it is all worth it.

You have absolutely NO idea at the journey and the trials that await you this next year.

But remember this.

God is good. All the time He is good. Hold fast to that promise my sweet boy just as I hold fast to you.

I'll never forget the emotoins that flooded my heart and mind surrounding your birth. Your birth story feels like a story of redemption for me. A story of hope. A story of second chances.

And I can't wait to share it with you someday.

Love,

Mama

Happy Birthday to my littlest man!

My Dearest Ryan,

Your birthday was days ago, and I'm just now sitting down to reflect on the fact that you truly are a year old! We leave for Ireland tomorrow - your first international flight, and I know that if I don't get my thoughts written down now, then I won't do it. And I can't let another day pass me by.

The reality is, life is busy with two. And I apologize for not taking the time to write and reflect on the eve of your birthday and on your actual birthday as I did with your brother. If I'm honest, I had bible study on the eve of your birthday and we brought you and Jack to a Christmas party on your actual birthday. However, we did celebrate you big time the weekend before with some of our dearest friends and family.

So here I am a week later finally writing. And I want you to know that you my child are so loved and your joy is contagious.

It's truly wild to think you've been outside of the womb for over 365 days now. It feels so surreal.
I can't believe it's been over a year since I was in the hospital waiting on your arrival. This first year goes so fast. And I think it went even faster the second time around.

And all of this (birth story) seems like such a distant memory, yet when I read over my thoughts, the tears stream down my face and the emotions come flooding back.

I remember that night...I remember the days leading up to it. I remember going in for a routine NST only to be told I wouldn't be going home that afternoon...only to be told they were concerned for you and that I may need to be induced sooner than we had planned. The plan was to start the induction process that next Wednesday night, and here we were Saturday afternoon. This wasn't part of the plan. Once again, I didn't even have my hospital bag packed. You would have thought I would have learned from my first experience with your brother, but nope. And I was so incredibly sick with bronchitis but I didn't know that at the time.

They kept me hooked up to the monitor for HOURS and then wheeled me away in a wheelchair for an ultrasound and you weren't moving much...but they said they'd keep me overnight and do another ultrasound in the AM, and that would determine our next steps. Looking back now, I could have started the induction process right then and there, but I was reluctant as I was really hoping for my own Dr. to deliver you and the thought of going into labor as sick as I was...wasn't exactly what I had envisioned. They hoped a night of fluids would help me, but alas it didn't. And we started the induction process Sunday afternoon.

And what a process it was - one filled with so much hope and anticipation. Hope for a different birth story and so much anticipation for what was to come in the next 30 hours! I just remember sitting in the rocking chair on Sunday night once again watching Downton Abbey, just as I had two years before with Jack, sipping hot water and chicken broth in hopes of easing my cough as I was so incredibly sick just as I was two years ago with Jack. I had envisioned such a different story, and it felt surreal to be replaying it all in a way.

But that is where the similarities end my sweet boy.

Your story is such a different one and I can't help but praise God for that. Truly, as hard as labor was and as painful as the contractions were, it was such an honor and a beautiful privilege to experience it all. I remember thinking...this is how it's suppose to be.

And as I reread the words in your birth story, I closed my eyes and remembered where I was over a year ago around the time of your birth (8:59 PM). I was so incredibly emotional and the space felt so sacred and holy as worship music played and as your dad and my dear friend Erin prayed over me. I was so tired and so excited and so incredibly sick. And I was in shock that by the grace of God, we had done it (with the help of an epidural of course) and we were going to meet you in a matter of pushes and in a matter of minutes. And I couldn't even believe you were going to exit my body vaginally! What an incredible experience.

I remember the nurse saying..."We can see his head!!" and I remember asking the nurse if I could touch your head. And I remember the sheer awe and amazement at what was happening! And I remember the tears. And I remember your cry. Oh my goodness, do I remember your cry. You literally slipped out of me and they brought you right up to my chest.

You were so tiny!! You weighed in at 5 lbs 11 ounces and you were 18.5 inches long, and you were just precious right from the start.

The whole experience was just so surreal. I kept waiting for them to take you away from me. I even remember telling the nurse that night, wait so I can just feed him and change his diaper and do whatever I want whenever I want? I remember thinking...what do I do with him? I mean I've never done this before?

And then the next night, literally 25 hours after you were born, we buckled you into your car seat and took you home with us. Now THAT felt incredibly surreal as I had NEVER done that before.

You've grown so much this past year and rather than mourn the loss of my teeny tiny newborn baby, I'm rejoicing in the sweet little independent boy you have become!

You are such a treasure from the Lord, and it is an honor and a privilege to be your mom. I can't even imagine my life without you in it, and I don't want to.

I had no idea how much my heart would stretch with love for you. You are so deeply loved my sweet son. Not only by your dad and I and Jack of course but also by your Creator. He is the one that knit you together in my womb. He is the one that created you. May I never forget this and may I never take your life for granted.

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy first Birthday Ryan Alexander!

Love,

Your Mama

Happy Birthday Little Man!

To our sweet, sweet boy,

Today is your first birthday. 

You have been in our lives and outside of my tummy for a full 365 days.

I'm sure I'll be saying this for the rest of your life - but it's crazy how fast this first year went.

All of this (Part one and Part two of your birth story) seems like such a distant memory, yet when I read over my thoughts tonight, the tears streamed down my cheeks, and the emotions came flowing back.

I remembered that night...I remember that entire day and the days leading up to it.  I remember sitting in a rocking chair sucking on ice chips while I watched the season premiere of Downton Abbey.  It had only just begun, and I was so content after an entire day of discomfort and throwing up.  However, the contentment was shortlived as the Drs. came into the room in a bit of a panic, they put an oxygen mask on me and they put the bed down, and they were searching for your heart beat.  In the midst of all of that, I remained calm.  I was eager to meet you, but I still don't think I realized that tonight would be the night.  But when the Drs. came back in and announced that it was go time...all I could do was cry, while one of the Drs. asked, "Are you freaking out?"...and I proclaimed through my tears of course, "We are going to have a baby!!...this is a BIG deal!" and she kindly replied by saying, "It is a big deal!"

And as I reread the words in your birth story (Part one and Part two), I closed my eyes and imagined where I was a year ago at this very time - 9:36 PM.  I imagined myself sitting there on that surgery table, all ready and prepped, with an IV in my hand, and my body all numb.  Your dad had probably just arrived in the room. And I was sick, really sick.  I had been throwing up all day, and my hair was drenched in throw up, along with the side of my face, and I was so hungry and thirsty and so very tired.  I yearned for something, someone familiar, and then your dad walked into the room...and I remember all the emotions...the joy, the fear, the anticipation of your arrival.  And I remember your dad's first words to me..."I thought they had forgotten about me!"  He waited for something like 35 minutes before someone came to get him to bring him to the surgery room - longest 35 minutes of his life I'm sure.  And they announced..."Dad's here, we can now begin."

And begin they did...and before we knew it, they had pulled you out of me, and you were screaming.  Most beautiful sound ever...and your dad turned to me and asked, as his eyes twinkled with joy, "Can I go see him"?  He took some photos of you and cut the cord and he brought you over to me so I could see you before they wheeled you away.

You weighed 4 lbs 2 oz and you were 16.5 inches long, and you were the most beautiful baby I had ever laid eyes on!

You have come a long ways from those 4 lb days.  We are so proud of you.  It is an honor to watch you grow.

You started off your days in an incubator, with a feeding tube.  And now you are in a big boy crib, consuming anything we put in front of you.

You, my dear son, are such a treasure from the Lord.  It is an honor and a privilege to call myself your mom.

Your Auntie Laura sent me a message today that read, "I cannot believe it's been a year since Jack graced us with his adorable presence!  Good job on keeping him alive for 365 days."

Her message made me laugh, but then I started thinking...that in and of itself is quite an accomplishment, especially considering your dad and I have absolutely no idea what we are doing.  But one thing we do know how to do is snuggle you and smother you with kisses - one thing we know how to do is love you.

I can't even imagine my life without you in it, and I don't want to.

I had no idea how much my heart would stretch with love for you.  You are so deeply loved my sweet son.  Not only by your dad and I, but by your Creator.  He is the one that knit you together in my womb.  He is the one that created you.  May I never forget this and may I never take your life for granted.

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy first Birthday Jack Emmet!

Love,

Your mama

 our first photo together

a few days after you were born

Birthday Eve - Letter to Jack.

My Beautiful son,

As I sit here on the eve of your birthday, I am feeling a bit nostalgic, which I suppose is only natural, right?

And I am truly left bewildered at how fast this year has gone.

Everything seems like such a blur, perhaps that's the sleep deprivation taking it's toll.

This time last year I was still in the hospital.

I had been there for six days in fact, and this post is a beautiful reminder of the frustration and the angst I felt about being there.

The late night wake ups and sleep deprivation had already begun.  I suppose the nurses were kind to slowly wean me into those.

A year ago today, I was completely uncertain as to how long I would be in the hospital for.

Completely uncertain as to when you would be exiting the womb and entering my arms.

And completely oblivious to the sheer joy you would bring our family.

I wish I could tell my old self, the one from a year ago, the one that wrote that post...

Just wait till you meet him.

It will all be worth it.

You have NO idea at the joy he will bring your family.

You have absolutely NO idea at the journey and the trials that await you.

And yet, in the end, it will all be worth it.  I promise.

Remember this.

I know it's hard, but I can honestly say, a year removed, your son's birth story is a beautiful one.

It is a story full of God's grace.

A story of God's abundant blessings and the power of community.

And I can't wait to share it with you someday my sweet son.

Love,

Mom

Here's to 60 years!

It's a special day today!  This pretty lady turned 60.

And we went to her favorite restaurant to celebrate.

I don't know if she will ever be able to fully comprehend just how much she is loved.  She has spent her entire life loving on other people and caring for other people.

She is the most selfless person I know.  I wonder what it would be like to be that selfless.  Quite frankly, I wonder if I will ever know. 

She has loved us all so deeply and so passionately our entire lives. She has encouraged me and supported me always and loved me always even in those trying teenage years.  She has listened and cared not because she had to but because she wanted to. 

I am blessed this I know.  I can't imagine what it's like to have parents that tear you down rather than lift you up, to have parents that you don't want to be around, to have parents that bring you grief rather than joy.

Joy. This is something my mom radiates. That woman can fill a room with her laughter! It is such a beautiful sound.

Thankful.  I am so thankful for this woman in my life.  For her presence and her words of affirmation.  For her friendship.  For her laughter and her love.

I'd say here's to another 60 years, but if I'm honest, I don't know if my mom would want to live to be that old!!!  So here's to more years together and more birthday celebrations. 

And I will leave you with this little photo from the night.

xoxo,

Malia

Beyond Blessed.

Here I am again folks!  I have resumed my place on the bed, and I have poured myself a glass of red wine yet again, and baby is fast asleep.  I was tempted to sit down and watch the Seahawks game with the husband, but I decided to sit down and write instead.  No offense husband.

It was my birthday on Tuesday, and I can now say I have officially surpassed 30 years of life (read my 30 thoughts), and I am now 30 + 1.  What a blessed year it has been!  So many changes, so much joy, and so much transformation.  I praise God every day for this life.

So the birthday celebrations began on Saturday night with the family - we went out to dinner at Steelhead diner, and Jack did so good, sitting in a restaurant highchair for the first time.  Love that little man!  So thankful for my family, and beyond blessed that they were all able to celebrate with me!

 

On Monday my coworkers celebrated my birthday with cupcakes and party decorations and coutnless rounds of singing Happy Birthday!  So thankful for coworkers that enjoy celebrating birthdays and celebrating me.  Beyond blessed.  On Tuesday, the actual day, I worked from home, and got to hang out with Jack all day, and Peter treated me to my favorite donut and a starbucks beverage!  What a great way to start off the morning.  And that evening a dear friend came over and watched Jack so Peter and I could go out to dinner.  So thankful for a dear friend that is willing to treat us to a night out.  So thankful for a husband whom I love and adore, and truly cherish spending time with.  Beyond Blessed.

 

 

On Wednesday, I had dinner with some dear friends, and finished off a delicious dinner with birthday cupcakes, and again singing ensued.  Jack enjoyed my birthday balloon that I brought home with me!  And even today, people were still celebrating my birthday at work - my decorations were still up and I was blessed with a lovely card and a starbucks gift card from a special few.  Beyond blessed.

 

And I know it's only Thursday, and the week isn't over, but I just want to say thank you to all of you for making my day, my birthady week really, so blessed.  From all the happy birthday texts, voice messages (wish I could share those with you - another dear friend sang this amazing birthday song she made up, and you would think it would be funny considering she made it up right? but it wasn't, it was beautiful - helps too that she has a fantastic voice!! and another friend sent me a video text of her in a cowboy hat singing happy birthday and that was funny!!), phone calls, cards, emails, facebook posts, etc...I was truly blown away by all those who remembered (facebook helps!) and by the kind words that were spoken and shared. 

 

Thank you for letting me share life with you!  It is such a blessing and a privilege to walk through life with so many dear, dear souls, whom the Lord uses to transform and shape me into the woman He desires for me to be. 

 

I am beyond blessed.

 

xoxo,

 

Malia

 

The BIG 30!

So today is my 30th birthday, and I don't feel any different really!  Should I?  Everyone keeps asking me how I feel about turning 30, and I keep saying...I'm right where I imagined I would be.  I mean if you would have asked my 20 year old self where I thought I would be in 10 years, I probably would have said "married, with kids, and a home, and a job I enjoy!"

And I know those aren't extremely lofty goals, but I can honestly say, I am extremely satisfied with where I am.  I am married to a man I love and adore and let's be honest, I think I slightly worship him at times.  And I know it's wrong, and trust me, I know he's just a man, and he isn't perfect, neither am I, but my husband is simply amazing!  And yes, I am tooting his horn, but someone has to do it.  I feel so beyond blessed to have met that man, and I feel so honored to be sharing life with him.  And I just hope and pray that all my friends are crazy in love and just as happy in marriage as we are.

And now onto the second goal...kid(s).  Now, I haven't gotten to the point where I can add an S onto the end of that K word, but we are on our way to achieving the singular goal.  As you all know, Little Buddy is growing away in my mummy tummy, as my loving husband, Peter, likes to call it!  And granted, I won't have the privilege of holding Little Buddy in my arms until I'm over the 30 year mark, but I think I can safely say this goal is on it's way to being achieved.

And we have been homeowners for a year and a half now, which is just crazy!  Our house has gone from this to this to this.  Since moving in we have painted walls, redone the entire yard, planted all sorts of items, and installed new windows!  We still have a long list of things to accomplish, like redoing the bathroom, painting the exterior, and remodeling the closet into LB's mini room, which simply entails painting the closet walls and installing new shelves.

And my job...oh my job.  I have been there for a whole YEAR now!  And I will write more about that later, but I truly can't believe how fast the time has flown by.  I feel so very blessed to be there!

So tell me...where were you when you were 30?  Where were you living?  What were you doing with yourself?  Were you married?  Did you have kids?

I have been asking all sorts of people this question and it has been so fun to hear their responses.  Some say 30 was one of their best years, some had just had their first child or their second, some were going through a midlife crisis, while others were living in faraway places like Kenya or Ethiopia, some had been married for years, while others had just gotten married.

Everyone's life takes a different path - I would love to hear what path yours took!

Praising God for 30 years of life and praying for 30 years more!

Birthdays.

Today is Peter's 32nd Birthday!!

I'm so thankful this man was born - I can't imagine what my life would have been like otherwise, and quite frankly, I don't really want to.  So in honor of my husband, I thought I would get creative and come up with 32 things I love about this man.  Please forgive me if some of them seem repetitive!

So without further ado, and in no particular order...

1.   I love who I am when I'm with him!

2.   I absolutely LOVE his sense of humor.

3.   I love how easily he makes me laugh.

4.   I love his passion for justice.

5.   I love that he loves Jesus!

6.   I love the sound of his laughter.

7.   Thus, it only makes sense that I love making him laugh!

8.   I love how deeply he loves his family!

9.   I love how loyal he is.

10. I love his heart for the marginalized.

11. I love the way he loves me.

12. I love his beautiful green eyes

13. ...and the way they twinkle when he smiles!

14. I love how witty he is!

15. I love seeing the satisfaction he receives from yard projects, especially mowing the lawn!!!

16. I love waking up to him every morning and laughing with him at night.

17. I love his crazy, unruly hair when he says he is in need of a haircut.

18. I love his passion for traveling and seeing the world.

19. I love his accent and his love for all things Irish!

20. I love how he tidies up the house before I come home from a trip!

21. I love that he isn't afraid to cook - in fact he loves it!

22. I truly love that he eats every single thing I put in front of him and this man loves leftovers!

23. I love sharing life with him.

24. I love his family!

25. I love encouraging him and supporting him.

26. I love how he lives his life with such purpose!

27. I love how excited he gets about our urban garden and all the things growing in it!

28. I love that he thinks I'm funny!

29. I love how he loves my family.

30. I love that he is a man of integrity.

31. I love his sense of adventure.

32. And last, but certainly not least, I love how excited he is to be a dad!!

Happy Birthday to my sweet husband!!

xoxo,

your wife

Family Reunions and 30th Birthdays.

So we had another family reunion in Long Beach, WA over Peters 30th Birthday weekend!! I mean what better way to celebrate 30 years of life than with more than 30 people!! The families rented 3 houses close to the beach, and it was a great time! It was really fun to see all my cousins with ALL of their children...makes me feel like Peter and I need to get a move on the baby making..hah! And then to make Peters birthday extra special I baked his favorite cake, bought him a pirate pinata with other pirate paraphernalia, and and then a beer hat! We had alot of laughs, but unfortunately the pinata was destroyed by my dear sister before the big people got a chance! So here's some pictures to take you back to September, the beach, and Peters birthday!