Motherhood Ramblings

I love that Mother's Day was a week ago, and I'm finally getting around to writing my Mother's day post! 

This is real life and this is motherhood.

Other things come up and fill the space you may have used for writing, like sick kids, evening outings, or a child who refuses to nap, primarily because you've been so terrible at honoring his nap time on other days. Let it be known said child is napping as I type, and I'm able to just sit and breathe.

Can we just say that that time to just sit and breathe, while drinking the cup of coffee I poured for myself this morning, is such a beautiful time for me to reflect and rest and sit in the presence of the Lord.

This was the first Mother's Day without my grandma, and my mother's first day without her mama. 

And I can't help but think back to Mother's Day last year and the words my grandma spoke over Peter and I as she was walking out the door of our home, "You two are the ones we really should be celebrating today, you especially Malia. You're in the thick of it. You're living it daily. All of it. And you're both working full time. And you're doing a great job."

Cue the tears streaming down my face. 

Those words were powerful and they went straight to my weary soul.

And today, they leave me thinking about the cycle of life and the cycle of motherhood, and the growth that comes with all of it.

The thing is, we are gifted these children to care for and given the title of mother, and then by the grace of God those children grow up and have children, and we are given the title of grandmother (or whatever you want to be called), and maybe those children will grow up and we are given the title of great grandmother, but never do we lose the title of mother. 

That title and that role are threaded throughout our entire life cycle.

And that's wild for me to think about. 

Hi, I'm Malia, and I'm a mother, and I will always be a mother. 

This title and role will never leave me, it will always be a part of me.

And this role has shaped me tremendously in the last six years. 

It has forced me to slow down and allowed me to see that I just can't do it all. 

It has forced me to look inward, to reflect on who I am as a being and who I desire to be as a mom. 

It has forced me to look outward, to truly see those mamas that surround me in all venues through the most tender lens.  

And to those mamas, I see you.

I see your joy.

I see your child throwing that tantrum.

I see your tired soul.

I see your bag of tricks and your bag of snacks.

I see the deep, deep love you have for your children. 

I see your heavy hearts.

I see your wins.

I see your defeats.

I see your vulnerability. 

I see your desire to do your absolute best.

I see your desire for connection with your child, with your partner, with your friends. 

I see your desire to be fully known.

I see your growth. 

I see you and I get you because I am one of you.

And carrying this title and role of mother alongside you is such an incredible honor. 

This role has also forced me to look beside me, to my beloved partner. 

You guys, I truly can't fully express just how deep my love and appreciation runs for my husband. It has been so beautiful to see the way his father role has transformed him as a being and as a partner. And he's just a better everything, growing into a better version of himself as he peels back the layers of the onion and reveals his truest self. It's such an honor to witness.

And this mother role has forced me to look up, time and time again, to our Heavenly Father.

The depth of love I have for my children, simply reminds me of the depth of love the Father has for us. It is beautiful and so humbling and so freeing. I've spent so much time this past year, more than any other year, looking up and thanking God for where He has me. 

Thanking Him for the way He has used motherhood to sanctify me, for the way He has used the other mothers to remind me that I'm not alone and that I need to extend grace to myself, for the way He has used my partner and my children to speak truth to me, to humble me, to constantly bring me to my knees and to the feet of the Lord.

Motherhood is messy, and it can feel chaotic and really hard. Yet, in all the mess, the chaos, the tears, the trials, the laughter, the mistakes made, the lessons learned, the joy, there is so much growth. 

And I love that growth.

The growth of my being as a result of being a mother is one of my favorite parts of motherhood. 

May I never stop looking inward at myself and reflecting on who I am and who God desires for me to be, looking outward with eyes to see the hearts of those around me, looking beside me at the most handsome man, and looking up with hope to the One who is faithful! 

And may the growth never ever cease. 

(You can read my other Mother's Day posts here, here, here and here. I love rereading them as the years go by!)

This is Motherhood

Just moments ago my home was filled with my mama, my grandmother, my aunt, and my sister, as well as the usual suspects that normally live in my home. And as my grandma was about to walk out the door, she just turned to Peter and I and said, "You two are the ones we really should be celebrating today, you especially Malia. You're in the thick of it. You're living it daily. All of it. And you're both working full time. And you're doing a great job."

And I just looked at her with awe as her words went straight to the depths of my soul. And I just replied, "It's really hard, but it really is so good."

This is motherhood, so hard yet so good.

Lately, I've just been in awe at the women that have gone before me and the women who are walking beside me in this motherhood journey.

It is such an honor to walk amongst you.

And it's so true, one of the most wonderful things about motherhood is the other mothers. Those other mothers keep me sane. They just get me. And I'm so very thankful for them, for that instant connection, for their ability to look into my eyes and see my weary soul, for those who can just sit with me in the chaos or in the silence and be content, for those who extend so much grace and flexibility, for those who just get why I might be late, or what it's like to get 2 kids plus myself dressed for the day or in and out of the car, for what a fete it is to just show up anywhere, for those who get that motherhood is so hard, yet so very good.

And I'm left in awe at the fact that I've been a mom for four years now, and I can't help but reflect on just how much God has used these little people to refine me in ways I never could have dreamed. I am truly a different person today because of them, and it's all incredibly humbling.

No other job has pushed me to the brink of my being. No other job has left me so incredibly weary and yet filled my soul so completely. No other job has forced me to cry out to the Lord more than this one nor brought me to my knees more frequently. No other job has forced me to look in the mirror daily or examine my own actions or my own tone or my own selfishness more than this one. No other job has required so much grace and so many apologies, yet no other job has brought me so much joy.

And I'm just so thankful.

And in all the mess, the chaos, the tears, the laughter, the joy, the transformation, the lessons, I just think this is motherhood. This is what it's all about. So hard, yet so good.

And may I count it all joy as I know this is a hard day for some, whether you find yourself missing your mama today or yearning to be one. Know that I see you, and I sit with you in that grief. May you find peace and comfort in the Lord and may you never forget that His story is so much greater than ours!

And may we count it all joy, every trial and tribulation, every lesson learned, every mistake made, every tear shed. May we see His goodness and His grace amidst it all.

(You can read my other Mother's Day posts here, here and here. I love rereading them as the years go by!)

Happy Mama's day!

Happy Mama's day to all those beautiful, sleep deprived mamas out there - new and old! You have no idea just how cherished and loved you are not only by your family and your children, but also by the Lord, and I hope you get a glimpse of how deep that love runs today. Thank you for loving your children well.

I have to say it is an honor to walk among you. It is an honor to learn from you. It is an honor to love so deeply with you. It is all truly an honor.

And some days I get so overwhelmed by the honor and privilege it is to raise up these children. They are such a gift. And I get emotional just thinking about this "Mama" title I have been granted.

At church this am, a woman in her 50s turned to me after seeing the nursery pager in my hand and wished me a Happy Mother's Day! And she said with tears in her eyes, "It just keeps getting better." And I replied with tears in my own eyes, "Don't say that...it's already SO good!" I had to walk away before I had a breakdown.

It truly is so good.  

And just a few days ago, a friend turned to me, while I was trying to round up my own kids plus one more, and said, "You really enjoy being a mom." And I smile slowly crept across my face as I replied, "I do. I really do!"

You guys, it's true, I really do enjoy being a mom. I love how much God has used my kids to refine me. I love the way they challenge me. I love the joy, the laughter, the deep, deep love I feel for my littles. I love seeing my husband as a father, oh man do I love that.

Yet, I don't even want to count the number of sleepless nights, diapers changed, clothes laundered, mouths fed, floors swept, toys picked up, nighttime stories and nighttime kisses because if I did, I don't know if I would crumble on the floor with exhaustion or pat myself on the back with triumph.


See the thing is, this mama gig is hard. Some days it feels so overwhelming. Some days I feel like I've poured every last bit of myself out and there's nothing left for anyone else. And some days I feel so inadequate, like I'm getting everything wrong and not doing anything well. It's hard living in the tension of being a working mama, and being a working from home while spending time with your kids mama is really hard.

I never envisioned this mama thing would be so hard.

But I also never envisioned it would be this good.

It has taken me years, three years in fact to fully lean into this calling God has for me. It has taken me years to be comfortable with extending grace to myself. I have learned so many lessons about myself, about my partner, and about God.

I have learned to just let things go, to pick my battles with my kids, to control my emotions rather than to allow my kids to control them. I have learned from my mistakes and by the grace of God I've been able to turn the darkest of days into the richest lessons. I've seen some ugly versions of myself that I wish to never see again.

Some days are really hard.

But most days are really good.

Most days we laugh, we cry, we apologize, we forgive, and we get on with it. We go to sleep, we wake up and we do it all over again.

I have had moments that I wish I could do over, moments that have led me to my children's feet and to the feet of the Father. And it is in those moments, that He draws me near. These babies have not only done alot to my body (hello grey hair and love handles), but they have done so much to my soul. And somehow, amidst the endless noise and the sheer chaos, I have found so much peace and rest for my soul. 

Thank you Jesus for this privilege and for this calling. It really is so good.

(You can read my other posts here and here, but please note I don't have anything for last year as I could barely get Ryan's monthly posts on the blog in a timely fashion. Side note - going from one kid to two was rough, and I'm realizing now that this roughness was reflected in my lack of writing. It's like a took an unplanned writing sabbatical. Never again friends, never again. It's so good for my soul.)

I praise Him Always.

What a special day this is for me now that I have a little man in my life. Thank you Jack for making me a mom and thank you Jesus for allowing me the privilege of being his mom.

It was fun to read my thoughts from my first mother's day a year ago. I had been a mother four months and I was grappling with accepting my new title of "mom." I can honestly say now, 16 months in, the acceptance of that title comes a whole lot easier now. Maybe I feel as though I have weathered some of the storms and I have paid the price and I have earned that title.

Or maybe it's because I can't imagine my life without Jack in it, which brings me to the real reason behind this post. Before I went to church this morning I read this (To the Women who Dread Mother's Day) and the first two sentences said this, "With Mother's Day just around the corner, I can't help but think about all those who are dreading its approach. My heart aches for those who want to be mothers, but for whatever reason cannot."

And so it was only natural that my heart and mind gravitated toward those in my life who may dread this day...and while I was singing praises to God my mind kept drifting to the many times (wish it wasn't that many, but let's be real here) I have begrudged my precious son for waking up before the sun was up (this morning in fact), or for putting his hands in his poop and playing with the mess on his fingers while I was changing his diaper (hmm...that was this morning also).  Anyhow, the point is ...there have been so many times where the little man has driven me to the brink of craziness...where I have wanted to pull my hair out and shed some tears (and yes, I have done this a time or two, let's be honest).

But the reality is..I have never once thought, why did we do this? or I wish I wasn't his mom.  Those thoughts and words have never crossed my mind or my mouth. Now, I have definitely questioned my capacity and capability and this little person definitely tests my patience, especially lately with his little tantrums when I take something from him, but I have never questioned his existence.

Rather, I have praised God for him. And I praise God for granting me the privilege of being this little person's mom. It is such a privilege. I praise God for giving Peter and I the honor of raising him. I praise God for His creation and for allowing me the privilege of carrying His child in my womb. I praise God for morning sickness and NICU's and sleepless nights. I praise God for poopy diapers and endless laundry and even the tantrums, especially the tantrums. I praise God for giving me 1.5 years with this delightful little person. I praise God during the good times and the bad, especially the bad. I praise Him, always.

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My dear friend Charissa posted the above image on instagram today, along with these beautiful words, and I had to steal them from her. She wrote, "Beautiful rendition of this hauntingly glorious hymn sung at church today. Made my heart so aware of how painful Mother's Day can be for so many women. May they learn to belt these words from the soul depths of their loss, loneliness, unfilled dreams, strained relationships, and empty longings. May all our hearts learn to be well and know God's story is greater than ours. "

Here is the song she is referring to, but I can't imagine this is the beautiful rendition - It is Well with My Soul.

And I echo Charissa's words. I pray for all the women out there whose heart's ache on this day...who long to hold their babies in their arms. For those who are struggling with infertility, for those who have had miscarriages, for those who have had abortions, for those who have put their child up for adoption, for those who have lost children far too young...I sit with you in that grief.

May you find peace and comfort in the Lord and may you never forget that His story is so much greater than ours! And may you praise Him Always!