Motherhood Ramblings

I love that Mother's Day was a week ago, and I'm finally getting around to writing my Mother's day post! 

This is real life and this is motherhood.

Other things come up and fill the space you may have used for writing, like sick kids, evening outings, or a child who refuses to nap, primarily because you've been so terrible at honoring his nap time on other days. Let it be known said child is napping as I type, and I'm able to just sit and breathe.

Can we just say that that time to just sit and breathe, while drinking the cup of coffee I poured for myself this morning, is such a beautiful time for me to reflect and rest and sit in the presence of the Lord.

This was the first Mother's Day without my grandma, and my mother's first day without her mama. 

And I can't help but think back to Mother's Day last year and the words my grandma spoke over Peter and I as she was walking out the door of our home, "You two are the ones we really should be celebrating today, you especially Malia. You're in the thick of it. You're living it daily. All of it. And you're both working full time. And you're doing a great job."

Cue the tears streaming down my face. 

Those words were powerful and they went straight to my weary soul.

And today, they leave me thinking about the cycle of life and the cycle of motherhood, and the growth that comes with all of it.

The thing is, we are gifted these children to care for and given the title of mother, and then by the grace of God those children grow up and have children, and we are given the title of grandmother (or whatever you want to be called), and maybe those children will grow up and we are given the title of great grandmother, but never do we lose the title of mother. 

That title and that role are threaded throughout our entire life cycle.

And that's wild for me to think about. 

Hi, I'm Malia, and I'm a mother, and I will always be a mother. 

This title and role will never leave me, it will always be a part of me.

And this role has shaped me tremendously in the last six years. 

It has forced me to slow down and allowed me to see that I just can't do it all. 

It has forced me to look inward, to reflect on who I am as a being and who I desire to be as a mom. 

It has forced me to look outward, to truly see those mamas that surround me in all venues through the most tender lens.  

And to those mamas, I see you.

I see your joy.

I see your child throwing that tantrum.

I see your tired soul.

I see your bag of tricks and your bag of snacks.

I see the deep, deep love you have for your children. 

I see your heavy hearts.

I see your wins.

I see your defeats.

I see your vulnerability. 

I see your desire to do your absolute best.

I see your desire for connection with your child, with your partner, with your friends. 

I see your desire to be fully known.

I see your growth. 

I see you and I get you because I am one of you.

And carrying this title and role of mother alongside you is such an incredible honor. 

This role has also forced me to look beside me, to my beloved partner. 

You guys, I truly can't fully express just how deep my love and appreciation runs for my husband. It has been so beautiful to see the way his father role has transformed him as a being and as a partner. And he's just a better everything, growing into a better version of himself as he peels back the layers of the onion and reveals his truest self. It's such an honor to witness.

And this mother role has forced me to look up, time and time again, to our Heavenly Father.

The depth of love I have for my children, simply reminds me of the depth of love the Father has for us. It is beautiful and so humbling and so freeing. I've spent so much time this past year, more than any other year, looking up and thanking God for where He has me. 

Thanking Him for the way He has used motherhood to sanctify me, for the way He has used the other mothers to remind me that I'm not alone and that I need to extend grace to myself, for the way He has used my partner and my children to speak truth to me, to humble me, to constantly bring me to my knees and to the feet of the Lord.

Motherhood is messy, and it can feel chaotic and really hard. Yet, in all the mess, the chaos, the tears, the trials, the laughter, the mistakes made, the lessons learned, the joy, there is so much growth. 

And I love that growth.

The growth of my being as a result of being a mother is one of my favorite parts of motherhood. 

May I never stop looking inward at myself and reflecting on who I am and who God desires for me to be, looking outward with eyes to see the hearts of those around me, looking beside me at the most handsome man, and looking up with hope to the One who is faithful! 

And may the growth never ever cease. 

(You can read my other Mother's Day posts here, here, here and here. I love rereading them as the years go by!)

This is Motherhood

Just moments ago my home was filled with my mama, my grandmother, my aunt, and my sister, as well as the usual suspects that normally live in my home. And as my grandma was about to walk out the door, she just turned to Peter and I and said, "You two are the ones we really should be celebrating today, you especially Malia. You're in the thick of it. You're living it daily. All of it. And you're both working full time. And you're doing a great job."

And I just looked at her with awe as her words went straight to the depths of my soul. And I just replied, "It's really hard, but it really is so good."

This is motherhood, so hard yet so good.

Lately, I've just been in awe at the women that have gone before me and the women who are walking beside me in this motherhood journey.

It is such an honor to walk amongst you.

And it's so true, one of the most wonderful things about motherhood is the other mothers. Those other mothers keep me sane. They just get me. And I'm so very thankful for them, for that instant connection, for their ability to look into my eyes and see my weary soul, for those who can just sit with me in the chaos or in the silence and be content, for those who extend so much grace and flexibility, for those who just get why I might be late, or what it's like to get 2 kids plus myself dressed for the day or in and out of the car, for what a fete it is to just show up anywhere, for those who get that motherhood is so hard, yet so very good.

And I'm left in awe at the fact that I've been a mom for four years now, and I can't help but reflect on just how much God has used these little people to refine me in ways I never could have dreamed. I am truly a different person today because of them, and it's all incredibly humbling.

No other job has pushed me to the brink of my being. No other job has left me so incredibly weary and yet filled my soul so completely. No other job has forced me to cry out to the Lord more than this one nor brought me to my knees more frequently. No other job has forced me to look in the mirror daily or examine my own actions or my own tone or my own selfishness more than this one. No other job has required so much grace and so many apologies, yet no other job has brought me so much joy.

And I'm just so thankful.

And in all the mess, the chaos, the tears, the laughter, the joy, the transformation, the lessons, I just think this is motherhood. This is what it's all about. So hard, yet so good.

And may I count it all joy as I know this is a hard day for some, whether you find yourself missing your mama today or yearning to be one. Know that I see you, and I sit with you in that grief. May you find peace and comfort in the Lord and may you never forget that His story is so much greater than ours!

And may we count it all joy, every trial and tribulation, every lesson learned, every mistake made, every tear shed. May we see His goodness and His grace amidst it all.

(You can read my other Mother's Day posts here, here and here. I love rereading them as the years go by!)

That First Year

A few months ago, a friends daughter celebrated her first birthday. And I sent her an email wishing her daughter a happy birthday and a happy birthing day to her! And I congratulated her on keeping herself and her daughter alive for 365 days. What an incredible accomplishment really, only by the grace of God.

And it just got me thinking about that first year of motherhood, that first year with your first child. And now that I'm three years removed from that first year, I can say that it truly goes so fast. Yet, when you're in the thick of it, some days feel so terribly long and some nights even longer. 

I love birthdays simply because I love reflecting on how much my kids have changed in that year and how much I've changed too, while praising God for how far we've both come!

But that first birthday for your first child feels like such an incredible milestone with cause for great celebration as it's truly a celebration of that first year of navigating the unknown, of walking an unchartered path, of survival.

I can honestly say that first year of learning how to raise up a little one is really hard. I mean you've never done this before, and no amount of babysitting can fully prep you for what is to come. You may be a little better prepared to soothe a crying baby or more skilled at diaper changes, but the around the clock care is a whole new arena.

And as your kids age, you enter into more unknowns, and more unchartered territory. And each year you enter into a new set of milestones and challenges, but you also begin to enter into this realm of motherhood that you can fully own.

And with each passing day and each passing year, you realize...THIS is the type of mother I am, not the type of mother I will be, but the one I am, and you make no excuses. That doesn't mean you don't mess up or make mistakes or apologize, but I think it does mean you become more confident in who you are as a mother. And with that confidence you can fully lean into your mothering ability.

And that leaning is, is so freeing and so incredibly beautiful.

And by the grace of God, you begin to own who you are and own who your kids are, all while recognizing that God has chosen you for each other. He chose Peter and I to raise up Jack and Ryan, these unique beings He knit together in my womb. 

And it is such an incredible privilege. That doesn't mean that that first year or ever year thereafter isn't exhausting or filled with refinement, but it does mean each day is such a gift. May we never forget that.

And may we all look back on that first year and glimpse the goodness in the chaos, in the unknown. Because when you're out of it, when your kid is no longer breastfeeding and sleeping better at night, when they are walking and talking and feeding themselves, you realize that first year was such a blur as you merely sought to survive!

And then you just might think, maybe it's time to do it all over again or maybe you don't even get to that first year before you have that thought!!

Happy Mama's day!

Happy Mama's day to all those beautiful, sleep deprived mamas out there - new and old! You have no idea just how cherished and loved you are not only by your family and your children, but also by the Lord, and I hope you get a glimpse of how deep that love runs today. Thank you for loving your children well.

I have to say it is an honor to walk among you. It is an honor to learn from you. It is an honor to love so deeply with you. It is all truly an honor.

And some days I get so overwhelmed by the honor and privilege it is to raise up these children. They are such a gift. And I get emotional just thinking about this "Mama" title I have been granted.

At church this am, a woman in her 50s turned to me after seeing the nursery pager in my hand and wished me a Happy Mother's Day! And she said with tears in her eyes, "It just keeps getting better." And I replied with tears in my own eyes, "Don't say that...it's already SO good!" I had to walk away before I had a breakdown.

It truly is so good.  

And just a few days ago, a friend turned to me, while I was trying to round up my own kids plus one more, and said, "You really enjoy being a mom." And I smile slowly crept across my face as I replied, "I do. I really do!"

You guys, it's true, I really do enjoy being a mom. I love how much God has used my kids to refine me. I love the way they challenge me. I love the joy, the laughter, the deep, deep love I feel for my littles. I love seeing my husband as a father, oh man do I love that.

Yet, I don't even want to count the number of sleepless nights, diapers changed, clothes laundered, mouths fed, floors swept, toys picked up, nighttime stories and nighttime kisses because if I did, I don't know if I would crumble on the floor with exhaustion or pat myself on the back with triumph.


See the thing is, this mama gig is hard. Some days it feels so overwhelming. Some days I feel like I've poured every last bit of myself out and there's nothing left for anyone else. And some days I feel so inadequate, like I'm getting everything wrong and not doing anything well. It's hard living in the tension of being a working mama, and being a working from home while spending time with your kids mama is really hard.

I never envisioned this mama thing would be so hard.

But I also never envisioned it would be this good.

It has taken me years, three years in fact to fully lean into this calling God has for me. It has taken me years to be comfortable with extending grace to myself. I have learned so many lessons about myself, about my partner, and about God.

I have learned to just let things go, to pick my battles with my kids, to control my emotions rather than to allow my kids to control them. I have learned from my mistakes and by the grace of God I've been able to turn the darkest of days into the richest lessons. I've seen some ugly versions of myself that I wish to never see again.

Some days are really hard.

But most days are really good.

Most days we laugh, we cry, we apologize, we forgive, and we get on with it. We go to sleep, we wake up and we do it all over again.

I have had moments that I wish I could do over, moments that have led me to my children's feet and to the feet of the Father. And it is in those moments, that He draws me near. These babies have not only done alot to my body (hello grey hair and love handles), but they have done so much to my soul. And somehow, amidst the endless noise and the sheer chaos, I have found so much peace and rest for my soul. 

Thank you Jesus for this privilege and for this calling. It really is so good.

(You can read my other posts here and here, but please note I don't have anything for last year as I could barely get Ryan's monthly posts on the blog in a timely fashion. Side note - going from one kid to two was rough, and I'm realizing now that this roughness was reflected in my lack of writing. It's like a took an unplanned writing sabbatical. Never again friends, never again. It's so good for my soul.)

It's time to tell the Truth about Motherhood.

A friend posted a link to this article on her Facebook page awhile ago, and I read it of course. But little did I know my husband would be reading it too.  He came home that night wanting to talk about it over dinner.

And before I dive into our conversation, I want to encourage you to read the article in its entirety, but I will at least give you a little glimpse of some of my favorite words.

"The thing is, moms are tired.  They're also confused a lot of the time.  And they feel lost, like the days before GPS when we used to print out directions from Map Quest - like actually print them out on paper - and then just as you were glancing down at the paper the exit flew by you.  That kind of lost....

And moms, they wake up after having spent a night being woken up and they walk out into all that loudness and confused lost chaos.  They do it with eyes still squinting at the light, scrabbling for contact lenses or glasses and a cup of hot tea with plenty of sugar.  There were days they used to sleep in.  They can't remember those days anymore.  Their bodies are programmed to wake up at o'toddler dark thirty even when they're on vacation."

(Now isn't that the truth...I keep thinking, aren't we on vacation? (wrote this in Ireland) Shouldn't we be able to sleep as long as we want...the answer is no.  Gone are the days when I can wake up when I want to.)

And she continues...

"I want so badly for someone to tell her the truth about the exhaustion and how hard nursing can be and that everyone who looks so put together at church - there are none of us immune from the meltdowns and feelings of inadequacy.  I want so badly for someone to take her aside and ask how she's really doing.  For someone, anyone, to mentor her and admit their own hard days.  To be willing to go first.  To tell her how frustrated they were at the thought of even beginning the tedious process of trying to leave the house.  I want someone to ruthlessly admit to her that they don't have it all together.  That's where you come in."

And the truth is...I want to be that mom.  That mom that is honest and real.  That mom that admits how hard it truly is.  That mom that admits that sometimes she doesn't want to be pawed at, that sometimes she doesn't want to be needed by this little being, that sometimes she just wants to wake up when she wants to wake up.

I want to be a mom that encourages other moms, that invites real conversations and real support and encouragement.

And this is what I told the husband that night.

But first he asked the question..."Would you say that the transition to motherhood has been really hard on you?"

And this was my response..."You read that article on Natalie's wall didn't you?"

His reply, "Yeah, and while reading it I just kept thinking...Malia isn't struggling with any of this."

And I said, "Well, this is our reality now, no point getting down on myself...but yeah it's hard.  The sheer exhaustion, trying to balance it all, feeling as though I'm not satisfying anyone or doing anything well - that's hard."

The husband, "No one talks about the dads...how hard it is on the dads.  They are looking after the mom and the baby.  And that's hard."

I love that man and his response got me thinking.  He's right - no one talks about the dads, the conversations are always centered around the moms.  It's time to tell the truth about fatherhood, how hard it is on them.  Then again, maybe Peter's situation is unique. I ask alot of that man.  He isn't exempt from anything, well maybe the night time wakings (yes, Jack still wakes up at night) considering he doesn't have the tools to soothe him.

Anyhow, just something to consider, and maybe if Peter's willing, I'll ask him to share a little more on the blog.

So much love,

Malia