The Lucky Ones.

It has been a month since I last wrote. A whole month. Where does the time go?  I think I say that every post.

I find myself looking back tonight and feeling extremely nostalgic and extremely emotional.  These are my thoughts - they are real, true, and honest, and tears are brimming at my eyes as I type. 

For some reason I have been running across some really sad posts on facebook, all of them centering around the premature death of a baby, the loss of a child, a spouse, a friend, or the diagnosis of an illness, and my heart breaks.  It literally shatters into so many tiny little pieces, and I find myself reading through all the comments, words of encouragements, offers of prayer and support, from people that I don't even know.

And I am reminded of all that we went through with Jack more than a year ago.  And I can't help but feel so lucky. Our son is alive. He didn't suffer from any complications from arriving 6 weeks early. His eyesight is great, his heart is strong, he eats like a champ. And in a year's time, you will have no idea he had such a rocky start to life.  His 4 lb self doesn't exist any longer. He is thriving in every sense of the word. And he is alive. And I feel lucky.

But I can't help but ask...what about the babies that were in the NICU with him? Where are they now? What about the one that needed heart surgery? Or what about the one who weighed just a lb? Or the ones that spent months in the intensive care unit? Are they thriving now? And would their parents consider themselves lucky? They are living and breathing and they may have complications, but they are alive.

The reality is death and tragedy surrounds us. We simply can not escape it no matter how far we run. And sometimes if I'm honest, I want to run really far. I want to think I'm immune to it all - that I'm one of the lucky ones. It's easier that way right? The truth is, I don't know how I would handle the grief that would envelope me if Jack or Peter were to die tomorrow, if my mom was to be diagnosed with cancer, if I was to be diagnosed with cancer. How would I handle it? Would I turn toward God or away from Him?

I can ask so many hypothetical questions and try to justify my anger and rationalize my grief, but the bottom line is, would I not be one of the lucky ones even if Jack were to die tomorrow? We have had a whole year with our little man and some only get months, days, or even hours. We brought our son home, alive, from the hospital, and some never even get that privilege.

Would I not be one of the lucky ones even if I was diagnosed with cancer?

Would I not be one of the lucky ones even if ......(insert your choice of tragedy)?

The truth is life is not about luck. Life is about love and a relationship with our Heavenly Father. And this relationship with the Lord is what makes me one of the lucky ones. May I never EVER forget this. And may He truly be my lifeline. The end.

What a difference a Year makes.

I'm so behind the times, and I meant to post this on new years day, but alas, I didn't.  

So here we are a whole week after new years.

And the theme of the past few weeks has truly been one of nostalgia and reflection.

If you are looking for a birthday post for Jack, this is not it.  But you can find it here.

When December 18, 2013 hit, Peter and I made sure to acknowledge the fact that just one year prior, we were packing our bags to fly out to Ireland.  

And as I sat in the quiet of the house that morning as everyone was still sleeping, I wrote this.  

I am reminded of all that has happened this past year.   I was getting ready to get on a plane to Ireland.  So full of joy and anticipation and excitement to spend the holidays in Ireland with family…our plans were good right?  I mean what could go wrong…and then all those plans came crashing down after our last appointment with our midwife where she informed us we wouldn’t be traveling to Ireland for Christmas after all.  I was devastated, embarrassingly so.  The poor husband having to deal with my emotional mess.  I remember driving home from the appointment, in the pouring rain, and barely being able to see passed my tears.  Oh the tears that were shed.  I remember sobbing uncontrollably, kind of like Cameron Diaz in the movie the Holiday.  

You can read all about my thoughts during this time here.  No need for me to rewrite everything.

But just know that I was hysterical, truly inconsolable, such a wreck and so very angry.  Angry at God, angry at the midwife, angry at my husband, angry at the situation as a whole.  I mean our plans were good, how dare God change them. 

Peter and I had no idea what awaited us in the coming weeks.

And on New Years Eve this year, I just kept thinking ...today was the day I was admitted to the hospital.  I can't believe it's been a year.  And as I read this post, I just kept thinking...My, what a difference a year makes!!  It seems so long ago, yet it seems like it was just yesterday.

And as I sit here a full year later, I laugh…I didn’t know what God was doing at the time, but He knew.  He always does and sometimes He even changes good plans for His glory.  Our hope and prayer is that through that experience and through Jack’s birth story, He would be glorified and honored.  And I’m thankful…so very thankful for all of you.  For your support, for your love and for your endless prayers. 

May you take time to rest in His plans and may you continue to allow the Lord to truly transform you to be used fully for His glory in the coming year!! 

Much love,

The Drennan's

Sunday School.

Peter and I have been looking to volunteer somewhere for awhile now, and a few weeks ago the need for Sunday School teachers was posted in the bulletin.  So what did Peter and I do?  We signed up for Sunday School of course. 

Our first Sunday was last week - and it was hilarious!  There were about 10 kids, all 2 years of age, most were great, but there was one who was a bit of a bully.  May God be with him and his parents!

We sang a few songs, played with some toys, read some books, ate some animal crackers, wiped some noses along with a few tears, and before we knew it our time was finished and we were handing them back to their parents.

It was slightly disorganized, but God works within that right?  And it was extremely amusing trying to entertain 10 two year olds for 1.5 hours!

If I am honest, it was slightly like glorified babysitting!  So if you are a mom and need some free time Sunday mornings - just drop the kids off at Sunday School - it's free, they get fed, and they may even leave with an art project!  This week they will be leaving with pink pom poms.  

Desiring more.

Lately, I have been desiring a deeper intimacy with Christ.

I yearn for something deeper.  I desire more.

Yet, instead of clinging to Christ, I find that I look to other people for inspiration.  I am inspired by their intimacy with Christ, and I want what they have.  And quite often that inspiration slowly turns to despair as I begin to think about how much farther I have to go.  And quite often I feel as though I fall short.  I am so critical of myself.  I am always wanting more...more...more, and I am never satisfied with where I am at with the Lord.  I always think I should be serving more, praying more, reading more, learning more.

You get the point right?  I desire a deeper relationship with Christ - and nothing is wrong with that right?  The desire is real and it is valid.  Yet, amidst that desire, I compare and I covet and I criticize.

It is so easy for me to discredit the work of the Lord.  It is so easy for me to think about how much more room I have to grow rather than to think about the work He has already done in me.  Why is this so often the case?  Why is it so easy for me to forget about God's grace in my own life?

I long for this year to be different.  I long for 2012 to be the beginning of something beautiful!

I want to be inspired by others, and I want that inspiration to carry me to a deeper level of intimacy with Christ, and I want to be quick to recognize God's goodness and grace in my life.  I don't think that's too much to ask.  Do you?

How He Loves.

So as I was driving to Bellevue to have dinner with my sister last Thursday, the song How he loves by David Crowder Band came on the Radio!  I love that song and it just got me thinking about this job interview I had this past Monday (on Valentines Day!).  I wasn't going to post about it, but figured I should because it is such a beautiful story of God's faithfulness and how much He really does love us.

So Monday I had an interview.  I didn't really know WHERE I was going, nor what to expect, but I knew I was excited, I knew that people were praying HARD for me, and I knew that I was going to be late!  So I arrived at the security gate, and told the man that my name was Malia Drennan and I was here to meet with so and so, and I wasn't sure if I was in the right place.  The security man kindly informed me that I was in the right place and his simple words, "Good luck with the interview!" not only put a huge smile on my face, but also put me at ease.  

So I parked the car as informed and was that much closer to the actual interview.  I walked into the unmarked building and introduced myself at reception.  I must admit I was slightly baffled when the woman asked me for my id and took a picture of me for security purposes.  I felt like I was at the airport or something!  And as the woman looked over my drivers license, the woman beside her chuckled, and I simply stood there smiling sheepishly, thinking they were laughing at me or something.  But maybe to calm my nerves or maybe to let me in on the joke, the woman kindly stated, "you two have the same name."

Now, for all of those who know me know that my name is RARE...soo RARE that people have the darnedest time pronouncing it ALWAYS regardless of how much instruction I may give them in advance.  But the best part was that not only did this woman have the same name as me - same spelling and everything, but she nearly had the same middle name as me!!  She said "so your middle name is Lani" and I said "yeah it sure is - super hawaiian" and she said "my middle name is Leilani."  I literally laughed out loud and thought to myself "gosh...God you sure are funny!"

This conversation completely put me at ease and I was left with so much excitement for the interview and the days ahead!  I mean I knew people were praying HARD for me that day and I felt that prayer so intensely.  But my absolute favorite part of the day was meeting Malia Leilani because it was in THAT moment that I was reminded of the Lord's tremendous presence in my life.  He knew where I was at that time and thought I would be amused by this chance meeting with another Malia (Lei)Lani.  Well let me tell you, He was right!!  And I left the interview so full of joy and filled with so much grace and simply overwhelmed by the Lord's love for me.

Who knows if I will get the job - kind of left feeling as though it wouldn't be the best fit for either party!  But I did leave fully knowing that God has a plan for this whole job thing and I just have to continue to be patient and continue to pursue Him through it all.  I am still unsure as to what that job is and when it will fall into my lap, but I am so sure of God's love for me - His everlasting love for me...His love for us all.  So here is one of my all time favorite songs...listen at your own risk!!  You may become slightly addicted.  And I must admit I have listened to it about 6 times since starting this post.

Music.

Do you have those songs that just move you??....Do you have those songs that just put you in a certain place regardless of the actual place and time? Regardless of what your answer is...I know my answer is YES!

This past Sunday Peter and I woke up early to go to church in the AM, well we always go to church in the AM so that wasn't out of the ordinary and we were running late which also wasn't out of the ordinary! But as soon as we walked in the doors I heard MY song. The congregation was singing MY song...and having a nice moment while Peter and I were scrambling trying to find a seat. I started to panic a little because I was missing this delightful opportunity to sing MY song...and I was soo bummed we couldn't find a seat. So we went across the street into an overflow room..and as we were crossing the street I nearly started to cry simply because I thought I had missed my beautiful moment to sing MY song alongside all these people. I dragged my feet and literally told Peter I wanted to go home...sounds sooo childish now and lets be honest I can be childish. My husband kindly responded to my childish outburst by stating that they sing the same songs in the overflow room, while I pouted and stated that they did NOT. Well my husband was right and MY song was coming through the doors of the overflow room.

I remember hearing this song on the radio AGES ago and loving it soo much that I played it one night at my bible study. And then the song just kept coming up - my lovely friend Meg had someone sing it at her wedding, I put the song on the video I made for my final school project, someone mentioned how they had sang the song at a conference.

Anyhow, this song moves me...I don't know why, but it just does...along with soo many other songs we sang at church on Sunday such as Be my Everything and Be thou My vision. Be My everything reminds me of my dear friend Serenus and Belfast...and my desire to cry out to the Lord for Him to be my everything and Be Thou My vision reminds me of August 15, 2009 - the day Peter became my husband - and when we sang that song during the ceremony. Songs take me back to a place and time...they remind me of how far I have come...they remind me of precious moments in my life. I could go on and on, but I won't...so without further ado here is the song you have been waiting for!

Writing.

It has been awhile since I have posted so many blog posts...but I had a bit of a revelation last night when I was sitting at the feet of some of my absolute FAVORITE people...and we were talking about ways we encounter Christ. For some its through prayer, for others its through quiet time and reading scripture...and for me its through writing...and also prayer..but really through writing.

I really love to write...maybe that's because it's extremely therapeautic to me? I really don't know why I love it so much, but I just do. It truly is that simple...I lose control of myself when I write and I feel as though my fingers simply type or write the true feelings upon my heart. I don't give my words too much thought...I just write. It's that simple. Can I say that enough?

Writing forces me to reflect, to ponder my thoughts and my feelings. Writing forces me to rest and to put things into perspective. Writing forces me to sit at the feet of God. I feel at rest when I write...I feel at ease knowing that my thoughts and the feelings upon my heart are being put into words...words that articulate my very being. When I take the time to sit down and write something...to stew over my thoughts in order to put them into words..I feel satisfied. I feel at peace. I feel rested. I feel close to God.

And when I don't take the time to write...to process my thoughts...to put things into perspective...I feel distant from God. I feel dissatisfied. l feel restless.

So I have vowed to change this cycle...this cycle of writing...of not writing...and instead I am going to attempt to be consistent with this longing in hopes of experiencing a closeness with God that right about now feels fairly foreign. So writing draws me into a space whereby I feel close to God...where my spirit finds rest. What is it for you? How does your spirit find rest?

Plans. Plans. Plans.

I wrote this entry nearly a week ago, but I figured better late than never right?

In one week I will be home…HOME…what does that really mean anyways? Njewa has been my home for nearly 3 weeks now. This has been the place we have come back to every time we have left…this place feels like home, and it is from this home that I have been doing some reflecting. Today is the first day really that I have had some quiet time. I wanted to listen to music, but obviously God wants me to mediate, write and reflect in complete silence. I could feel His eyes upon me as I reached for my IPOD shuffle and fumbled with the buttons trying to will it to turn on. It took me a little too long to succumb to the fact that the battery was dead. Then I raced to the bedroom to check the pockets of Peter’s duffle bag, which contained his IPOD touch and his IPOD. BOTH have music on them and guess what? BOTH also had dead batteries. I laughed and said, ”OKAY God, I GET IT!”

I just wanted to listen to music. Music moves me and right now I wanted to be moved, and in that moment I realized that God wants me to be moved by Him and I don’t need the music. Perhaps I rely too much on music to bring me to that place with God – that place where I come broken and empty-handed, that place where I am humbled by His mercy and grace.

So I will confess publicly that I have been struggling lately with feelings of inadequacy – with feeling as though I have not done enough nor am I enough for God, for Peter, for my family and friends. I feel as though I have nothing to offer and nothing to pass on. I was struggling with these feelings before I left for Africa, and now that I am here the struggle has simply worsened.

Before coming to Africa I wondered what good I would do here. I wondered how the Lord planned to use me HERE in Africa. I questioned my reason for going. I questioned my purpose. I questioned what I had to offer. And now that I have been here for 3 weeks…I feel even more helpless, even more inadequate. I still wonder what I have to offer. I still wonder why exactly I came, and I still don’t have any answers.

I am reminded constantly of something my beautiful and wise friend Bekah said a few weeks before we left. She said that our thoughts and feelings of inadequacy dishonor God. He has created us in His image, thus when we think negatively about ourselves and wallow in our inadequacies we look upon God negatively. I have been holding fast to this statement and I thank God for the perfect timing of her wise words.

I have also been attempting to figure out why I am having all these thoughts now, at the age of 27, and I think it is because I don’t really have a plan for my life. I feel as though everyone has some sort of a plan. My friends have plans, Peter has a plan, my younger brother even has a plan. Within this context, I am simply referring to a CARREER PLAN! Most of my friends careers are certain, some are teachers, physical therapists, counselors, pharmacists, nurses, doctors and some more are teachers, while others may be uncertain but they still know the path that will get them there. And then there’s me, and I don’t have a career plan, and I feel stuck. I feel as though I am stuck in this squishy, brown, gooey mud and I don’t know which step to take to get me out of the goo.

I think I keep hoping that God will place this beautifully wrapped package, with a shiny pink bow right in the middle of my lap and once I untie the bow and tear off the tape, I will discover the most perfect job imaginable. I hold tight to the promise in Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. PLANS…PLANS…PLANS. What are they really? We can make all sorts of plans whether they be career plans or life plans, but if God has other plans for us, then our plans are simply insignificant.

I know that God has a plan for me…He has a career plan, and I trust in that, but I still need to move forward. So then I am left daydreaming about my dream job and wondering what it is that I am good at and what it is that I want from my job. Here are some of the things I came up with…

1. I need a job that is relational and relationship focused
2. I yearn for a job that is development oriented
3. I would love something with an international component
4. Maybe something where I am involved in education, development, microfinance, women and children, marginalized groups
5. Maybe something where I can write?
6. And lastly…something that PAYS and pays well and by well I just mean $35,000 at the VERY least!

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER IDEAS?? WHAT DO YOU THINK I WOULD BE GOOD AT? WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR CAREER IDEAS FOR ME? I welcome ALL suggestions!