Happy {4th} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

As I put you to bed on the eve of your 4th birthday, I snuggled you and held you close and started telling you about your birth story and where I was 4 years ago as I eagerly awaited and anticipated your arrival. And I started weeping right there in your bed as I held you and relived it all. And you turned to me and said mama, I need to give you a hug and a kiss, and you placed your hands on each side of my face and kissed me and wrapped your little arms around me, and I just wept more. 

I just kept saying, it was just so beautiful and I feel so grateful for every single moment of it, especially now after Conor's birth story. And it feels incredibly surreal to have even experienced a glimpse of a relatively 'normal' delivery and birthing experience is like. I mean I was still hospitalized days prior to your arrival and I was induced, so there were alot of added things that some mamas don't experience. But I labored with you and experienced contractions and a vaginal delivery after a c-section and that feels like such an incredibly beautiful feat now. To think you were my only babe I held straight away, my only babe I breastfed straight away, my only babe that left the hospital when I left. It all feels so overwhelming to be honest, and I'm just so grateful for your story, but it all feels slightly painful as I had hoped Conor's story would be mroe like yours.  

I had hoped and prayed for a different story after Jack's, and just feel so grateful for your birth story. 

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Your story means something different to me now that I know it's my only one like this. And it feels so heavy and so good, and as I look at photos from that day 4 years ago, I see a brave and courageous woman who has tears streaming down her face from the pain. I can hear the worship music playing in the room and I can sense the anticipation as she awaits the unknown of your arrival, as she hopes for a new story. The space feels sacred and holy - all of it feels like an act of worship. Every contraction, every tear, every push an act of worship. 

And when i think about it all, I'm just filled wish such a deep, deep, deep sense of gratitude. What a privilege to have experienced this 'normal' birth experience. And it feels slightly painful as well, to think I'd hoped Conor's birth story would be more like yours than Jack's, to think this 'normal' birth experience begins and ends with you. 

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my middle child. Just yesterday you woke up a little too early for my liking, and you crawled into bed with me and you wouldn't stop talking. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I turned to you and said lovie, let's go back to bed, and you snuggled up next to me because you have to be like right next to me at all times, and you fell right back to sleep. Sometimes you just turn to me and kiss me and say I love you mama! You are a mamas boy and won't let dada do certain things because you want mama to do it. 

You are fierce and you are opinionated and you don't really take no for an answer! I've realized that you are my spirited child and sometimes it's easier to not fight you on the small things. So quite often, you wear your pjs to school drop off and yesterday you wore your pjs, your crocs, a hat and a scarf. It was so good, and you were so pleased with yourself. You're really opinionated about what you wear and you wore the same pjs every night for awhile there - good thing Jack had the same ones, so when yours were dirty you could wear his! 

We've learned alot about you this past year, and we've realized we have to give you the space to make your own decisions about things and you'll do it all in your own time, and if you wet your pants or your bed because you refuse to go potty, then so be it (in all honesty though, your bladder is insane and you can hold it for far longer than I'd like you to!), and if you are cold because you refused to put on a coat, then so be it, and if you refuse to get your shoes on, then you can't come. So this last year has really been reinforcing cause and effect and consequences, fun times for all! 

You want to do everything yourself and you LOVE helping me with anything and everything! You especially love baking, and anything that involves sugar. 

You started at a new preschool this year and you LOVE it so much. You'd go every single day if you could and you love talking about all your new friends. And your teacher is always talking about how you're such a cool dude! You walk into your classroom like you own the place, without so much as a backward glance. 

You are Mr. Independent, and you are completely indifferent to other's opinions of you. You are so use to being around people all the time that you'd prefer playing with someone over playing alone every time. And even when you are playing alone, you want to be like right next to me or you want my eyes on you. And when you're doing something you're not suppose to be doing or eating something I told you not to eat, you walk out of the room and say "nothing". It's so funny. Sometimes I have to hold back the laughter. 

Here's to 4 years Ryan Alexander! What a gift you are to our family and to this world!

Love,

Your Mama

Happy {3rd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

I never could have imagined the boy you'd be when I met you a little over three years ago! I mean you were a great baby, an incredible sleeper and so happy. But I never would have imagined just how much you'd love to sing and dance, or how much you'd love that binkie of yours or that little stuffed bunny tutu gave you.

You bring so much joy and light into our family. You laugh at everything, truly, especially at yourself. And it’s so wild to think you were a little baby just three years ago. It truly goes so incredibly fast.

And as I sit here growing another babe, I just think about growing you. About the hope I had for a different pregnancy, for a different birth story.

About who I envisioned you might be and who you are today. You are so much more than I ever could have dreamed, with your larger than life personality, your never ending chatter, and your endless energy.

And every year when I read over your birth story, I’m just taken back to that moment before I met you. And I remember. I remember the anticipation for what was to come, the hope for a new story. I remember the feeling of hope in the room and the sacredness of the moment and the power of the Holy Spirit as worship music played softly in the background.

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Ryan Alexander, my heart is so tender toward you, my second born, my middle child. You love fiercely. Just a few days ago you woke up a little too early for my liking, and I brought you into bed with me, and we fell back asleep. And when I woke up an hour or so later, I realized you were so close to me you were sleeping on top of my hair. So I slowly pulled my hair out from under you, and that stirred you awake. I watched your little arm stretch upward and your little leg stretch outward and I was taken back to your itty bitty days, and then you opened your eyes and turned to me and cradled my face in your little hands as you declared I love you mama and kissed me square on the lips! It was such a beautiful and sacred moment. 

And let's be honest, I’ve never met anyone as stubborn as you! You know what you want and you go for it. This could be a certain pair of pants you want to wear that are dirty, which then involves getting your little bench and pulling every single item out of the laundry basket in search of that dirty pair of pants, or a food item I tell you you can’t have, but then I find you once again with your little bench, climbing up onto the counter to get said item. You are definitely a go getter! Your dada says you take after me haha! I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not, but you’re welcome. May you cultivate that part of yourself in a beautiful way and use it for good in this world.

Here's to 3 years Ryan Alexander! I can't even wait to see you as a big brother.

Love,

Your Mama

Dear Ryan {almost 3}

My dearest Ryan,

Your dad took Jack to the library, and you're napping, thank goodness for naps still as it gives me a chance to sit and rest and reflect. 

And any time I get a chance to write, I just sit back and think about how blessed I am to be your mama. Wow, such a gift, this role and this title is such an incredible gift. It's so hard, so incredibly hard, but it's so very good. 

Ryan, when I think back to your 2 year old self, I hope and pray I remember the sheer joy and determination you possessed at such a young age. I can't help but wonder how much of your 2 year old self will be reflected in your 12 year old self or your 22 year old self or your 32 year old self. 

I'd say terrible twos was a real thing with you. I don't think Jack tested me nearly as much as you do, but your stubbornness is out of this world and it sends me reeling some days. Like that one time we were in Dublin and we got on the train at 5:00, right during prime traveling time, and the train was packed and there wasn't a single seat in sight, and you just wriggled out of my arms and took off weaving through legs, screaming at the top of your lungs, I need a seat, I need a seat. And I chased after you, excusing myself, and declaring to people, Uhh, that's not my kid haha!! But lo and behold, you finally found a seat, and crawled up into it by the time I got to you, all the while I was sweating and laughing at your sheer determination. 

You knew what you wanted and you went after it. 

And Ryan, I admire that about you. I admire just how opinionated you are at such a young age, how your sense of self is steadfast and how you fight for what you want. 

And if I'm incredibly honest, I hope you hold fast to that part of your self, that you don't let the world tear that part of you down, that you never forget just how worthy you are of being loved, of having a voice, of being heard. 

I hope you never forget your boldness, your sense of fairness and equity. 

I hope you never stop laughing and that life always brings you so much joy. 

And I hope and pray that the joy of the Lord lives within your spirit always, that you are motivated in this life by the love He has for you and the love He has for others.

Love you,

Mama

Ryan Alexander: 2.5 years

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18
// 2 years

Ryan, so it's November, and your 3rd birthday is NEXT month, which means I'll be doing a 3 year post in a few months, so I figured I needed to get on your 2.5 year post before the 6 months completely passed me by! Ryan, when I think back to your 2 year old self, I hope and pray I remember the sheer joy and determination you possessed at this age. It's truly incredible!!

Growing // You weigh 32 lbs roughly. And I only know this because sometimes I can get you to stand still on the scale. I have no idea how tall you are, but I'm guessing you're growing as your jeans are starting to get shorter!

Eating + Sleeping // You are a great eater! You love quesadillas and noodles and peas and tacos and pancakes. and you just told me you like yogurt and peanut butter. You're only taking one nap and it's about 2 hours each time. You go to bed around 6:30 and you're up around 6:30. It still blows my mind that you go to bed soo early, but you're so tired come the evening, it's like a race to bedtime for you. And you just go and go and go, if we didn't know you better, we wouldn't have any idea you were tired. But as soon as we get you into your sleepsack and take your glasses off, you start rubbing your eyes and when we place you in your bed, you just say night night mama, and you're out like a light. And yes, you're still sleeping in your mini crib. And you're still obsessed with your lovie and your binkie.

Wearing // You are wearing a mix between 2T and 3T - most of your shirts are still 2T, but a few things are 3T and most of your pants are 3T but rolled up at the bottoms. And I think you're wearing a size 7 shoe. And you are wearing size 6 diapers, yes you're still in diapers!

Loving //  You absolutely love to dance and I love watching you with your dance moves. You love music on at all times and as soon as we get into the car you ask for dancing mama, dancing, and sometimes I look back in the rearview mirror and see you dancing in your carseat, with your little arms raised above your head. So good! And you talk ALOT, truly, you are definitely not a quiet child. You love to talk and you love to communicate with everyone you interact with. And you're starting to really love hats! And you love your brother and you love doing everything he does. And you love hide n seek and you just really love to laugh!

Loathing // This is a tough one as I really feel like you enjoy alot of things! You really dislike when Jack takes a toy or messes with something you're playing with, but if I'm honest, quite often it's you messing with Jack's stuff.

Doing // So much, you love to jump and run and ride anything with wheels. 

Words // So many words! People are telling us all the time that you talk alot, and the truth is, you do, and you talk well, meaning people can understand you. I don't have to translate too much. But you're still saying carry you mama, carry you. And I'm sure there are a few things you say differently than you do even now, but I can't remember!

Milestones //  You started at a new school and you actually transitioned really well. You did another transatlantic flight to Ireland, attended another wedding. First camping trip and first real experience with an easter egg hunt.

My Dearest Ryan {2.5 years}

My Dearest Ryan,

I can't believe in just a few short months you'll be three. I look at you and you still feel like a baby to me, your little hands with the dimples in them, your toddler stance, and your little legs, but then I hold a baby, a real baby, and I realize just how big you truly are.

Just a few days ago we were driving in the car, and you declared I'm big mama, and I was like yes, yes you are big Ryan.

There are moments when I miss that 5 lb baby and the way you depended on me for survival. But if I'm incredibly honest, I've never been a huge newborn fan. Yes, I love that newborns are so cuddly and they'll just lay on you for hours! But they're also incredibly unpredictable. And that is hard.

And yes, two is a very challenging age, and you my child challenge every sense of my being, especially when your favorite word is no, but I love that you have such strong opinions and preferences and you can communicate those to us. And in this stage, I'm not exhausted from lack of sleep, but rather from the actual parenting, the discipling, the cultivating, the teaching. It's hard work, but it's good work and it's growth work, and I love every bit of it.

And every night, you ask to rock in the rocking chair. So we turn the lights off, and rock with you for a few minutes before we put you in your crib, and yes, you're still sleeping in your mini crib.

And tonight, as I held you and rocked with you, I prayed over you and whispered God's promises and my hopes for you in your little ear.

May you come to know the Lord and have a relationship with Him.

May you desire to live like Him.

May you always know just how much you are loved by me and by your Heavenly Father.

May you live within the world, but not be of the world.

May you treat people with kindness and compassion.

May you be strong and courageous!

And may you experience full freedom to live into who God has created you to be!

And after I said the last line, your little voice whispered, "Okay" against my cheek and I lost it.

And the tears came.

And I just thought, this is what it's all about.

In the stillness of the night, a mama rocking her baby and pouring out her hopes and dreams for her child to the Lord and to the child himself, laying him down at the alter, releasing him to the Lord, again and again and again.

My dearest Ryan, you are not mine to hold onto, but rather mine to raise. And my hope and prayer is that you get a  glimpse of God's goodness, His mercy and His grace, in my laying down, in my raising up, in my own parenting journey.

May we cultivate your growth and your spirit in such a way that not only brings honor and glory to the Lord, but also honors who God has truly created you to be.

I love you so much Ry guy bear,

Mama

Ryan Alexander: 2 years

Ryan by month 1 // 2 // 3 // 4 // 5 // 6 // 7 // 8 // 9 // 10 // 11 // 12 // 13 // 14 // 15 // 16 // 17 // 18

Growing // You weigh 30 lbs (76th percentile) and you are 34 inches (66th percentile). To be honest, I'm surprised you don't weigh more than that and that you're only in the 76th percentile. You seem huge to me, but you only weigh 1 lb more than Jack did at this stage of the game.

Eating + Sleeping // You are a great eater! You love boobies (blueberries) and all sorts of berries. And you still love pancakes. You're still taking two naps, but you're in the process of going down to just one nap. You go to bed around 6 and wake up around 6:30. Some mornings you shout "Mama" or "Dada" from your bed until we come for you and some mornings we find you just reading books in your bed and playing with your little doggy! You go to bed really easily, but you just go hard and play hard until we get you into your pjs and put you into your bed. More often than not you say bye and turn away from me and fall asleep. 

Wearing // You are wearing 2T and I have transitioned a few of Jack's 3T things over to your closet. And I think you're wearing a size 5 or 6 shoe. And you are wearing size 6 diapers.

Loving //  You LOVE dancing! And you're always asking us to turn music on so you can dance - "Song, Dancing!" You just love having music on as you stomp around the house and move your head from side to side. And you LOVE to talk. You're hardly ever silent, mumbling little words to yourself or to us.

Loathing // You hate having to sit still for anything, even for eating. And you're not a huge fan of diaper changes. And you really hate when your brother steals your toys from you!

Doing // Chasing your brother around or vice versa. Running and jumping! and riding your bike and your scooter.

Words // So many words! I can't even capture them all.You are so very verbal. I closed my eyes a few days ago as I was thinking of something and you asked, "Mama, why are you sleeping?" You ask so many questions! And you're speaking in full sentences. You love to say Carry you for carry me and help you for help me. And you love saying ahmon mama for c'mon mama. So many words!


Milestones //  First haircut and a few more after that and another overnight with the Grandparents!! And another journey on an airplane and trip to Hawaii. And you celebrated your second birthday. Your first bike and scooter and your first time peeing on the potty. 

Happy {2nd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

Your birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I'm just now sitting down to write to you. It's a Friday, but we dropped your brother off at school today and I don't work today (yay!), and you're currently napping in your room, so I decided to crawl back into bed and put my fingers to the keyboard. These moments of silence and stillness are so rare these days.

And I thought, everything else can wait as I have a letter to write to my second born.

It feels so surreal to think my baby is 2 years old already and that it's been 2 years since I was pregnant. Where has the time gone?

Yet as I sit here reflecting over the past 2 years, I remember. I close my eyes, and I'm taken back to another moment in time before I knew who your two year old self would be. And I remember.

And as I read over your birth story, I remember the waiting, the anticipating. I remember the emotions, the tears, the pain, the excitement. I remember just how sick I was with a terrible cough, which was later diagnosed as bronchitis.

I remember the woman I was 2 years ago. I remember the hope for a different birth story. I remember the worship music that was playing in the background and the beautiful way your dada and our dear friend Erin gathered around me and supported me as they prayed over me and your birth. I remember the sacredness and the holiness of that birthing experience. And I remember the tears of joy and relief as you exited my body and as I praised God for the gift of a different birth story! I remember our first moments together, and I remember just how teeny tiny you were, weighing in at 5 lbs 11 oz.

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my second chance, my remaking. I saw you first as a missed period! And then came the two lines on a pregnancy test. We announced your existence to the grandparents with said pregnancy test, except this time your older brother was the one holding it! Tutu (my mom) announced your gender as well, another BOY she exclaimed. And I remember gasping, as I loudly declared another boy... BROTHERS!! Jack's going to have a brother! And eventually the fear came that your birth story would be the same as your brothers. But by the grace of God your story is different. And as thankful as I am for both experiences, I praise God for that different story. He healed me through you, you are my remaking.

I get emotional just replaying the video from the gender reveal (see post) as I had no idea what awaited me. Another Boy...Brothers. I had no idea what this even meant. But let me tell you what it means now, you my child are such a little lover, always telling everyone you come into contact with that you love them, asking for hugs and kisses. And you adore your brother. You copy him and follow him around everywhere. He drives you wild, but no one can make you laugh like he can. And when you two hug and kiss on your own accord, my heart breaks a little at the beautiful sight of it. And as your brother was walking out the door to go to school today, he said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And he ran back into your room, and he squeezed you tight and smothered you with kisses and you wrapped your little arms around him and just stood there. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as I didn't want to intrude upon this beautiful moment.

Good Lord this life is such a gift. You, my son, are such a gift! I can't even put into words the joy you bring to our family. And tears begin to stream down my face as I begin to attempt to. You my son are full of joy, always. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely opinionated and so determined to get what you want when you want it, and you definitely throw your fair share of tantrums and your death grip is insane, but your belly laugh is out of this world. And your love for dancing is contagious! You're constantly declaring, "C'mon Mama, Dance!" as you reach for my hand. So I grab your little hand and turn on the music and laugh and dance with you as you wave your arms and stomp your feet. I wish you could meet your almost 2 year old self, you would just love him. He's so funny. And he thinks other people are even funnier. "Funny," your little voice declares as you belly laugh. And I'm left baffled that a 2 year old could have a sense of humor and experience joy like yours.

I can't believe I get to be your mom!

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy 2nd birthday Ryan Alexander!

Love,

Your Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Ryan

Dearest Ryan,

I'm actually writing this on your birthday, rather than on your birthday eve, but better late than never right? Just like your Birthday Eve post last year! I had the best intentions to write something last night as I was sitting and reflecting and reading over your birth story, but alas, it didn't happen. And once I did sit down for the night, I found myself sitting in front of my computer to finish some work tasks, rather than sitting in front of my computer to write about life and my emotions and your birth.

But alas, here I am! And I can't believe it's been nearly 2 years since I was pregnant. How did that happen? Feels like forever ago. Yet I was feeling all the feels last night as I baked and smothered your cake in chocolate buttercream frosting. And I just thought this time 2 years ago I was eagerly awaiting and anticipating your arrival.

I'd been in the hospital for one night already, I'd started the induction process, and I had absolutely no idea what awaited me.

I had no idea as to how long I would labor, or how much you would weigh or who you would become.

I had no idea just how wide my heart could expand and how deeply we could love you!

I had no idea just how refining these two years would be for my spirit and my soul.

I had no idea just how beautiful it would be to watch your relationship with your brother develop.

I had no idea just how deeply Jack would love you nor how thankful he would be for you.

We are so thankful for you Ryan, and we thank God for you, for your life, for your joy, for your laughter, for the 2 years we've had together. 

And I'm so thankful for your birth story. And I get even more emotional now that I know the full story, now that I've lived through it. That birthing experience rocked my world and healed me and restored me in a way I never even knew I needed. It was my second chance, and it still feels like such a gift to have had such a different story the second time around.

And last night as I held you tight, smothered you with kisses, and nuzzled your neck till you laughed, I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. I just prayed over you and cried out to the Lord (and pleaded for so many more years of life!) with tears streaming down my face. Thank you Jesus for this boy. Thank you Jesus for the privilege of being his mama! Thank you Jesus for his joy and his love for life. May we continue to release him to You, always remembering that he is Yours. May he come to know you and not only Believe IN you, but Believe you and live by your truths. May I continue to be overwhelmed by Your goodness and Your grace. And may you grant Peter and I the wisdom and the strength to raise him up in a way that honors and glorifies you. Amen.

And then I placed you in your bed and you said bye mama. It was all just beautiful.

And then you woke up a few hours later and wouldn't go back to sleep, and you woke up your brother. So I eventually went back into your room and grabbed you out of your bed and held you against my chest. And as I felt the rise of your chest on mine, I just thought, the days are long, but the years truly are short. Before I know it, you won't be sleeping in your mini crib, and you won't be able to fit the same in my arms.

And I could get all nostalgic and sad for the years that have passed. But on the eve of your birthday, I'm filled with so much excitement, just as I was 2 years ago, as I can't wait to see who you become, to watch you grow (Lord willing), to discover more of who you are.

Love you so much!

Mama

 

Lessons from a One Year Old

Another post from the husband

Ryan Alexander you are only 18 months old. I am much older than you. I don’t want you to grow up. I tried to make a deal with your brother about not growing up. He seemed to agree but then went right ahead and sprouted into a threenager in the blink of an eye. I guess the lesson is you can’t trust a baby to stick to his word?

You have taught me quite a lot in your short life. You taught me how to grow an even bigger heart, to let in even more love. You have taught me how to laugh even harder at the silliest of things. Or maybe the Dad jokes and renditions of “Chim, chimeny, chim, chimeny, chim, chim, cheroo” are actually that hilarious? If they are courtesy laughs, then my son, I see a bright future for you in Hollywood.

But I think the biggest thing you have taught me is how to be utterly fearless, and ambitious to the max. You will try to descend the steepest of stairs, or ascend the highest of couches and you will fall but you get up and try again. You want to walk without help, you don’t need a hand, you know we will catch you if necessary…Fear has no hold on you, just the limits of your 18month old body and some silly physics…If you keep living like that the world will be your oyster, and your parents will probably have ulcers watching you live life to the max. To Ryan my fearless boy. Godspeed.