Happy {4th} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

As I put you to bed on the eve of your 4th birthday, I snuggled you and held you close and started telling you about your birth story and where I was 4 years ago as I eagerly awaited and anticipated your arrival. And I started weeping right there in your bed as I held you and relived it all. And you turned to me and said mama, I need to give you a hug and a kiss, and you placed your hands on each side of my face and kissed me and wrapped your little arms around me, and I just wept more. 

I just kept saying, it was just so beautiful and I feel so grateful for every single moment of it, especially now after Conor's birth story. And it feels incredibly surreal to have even experienced a glimpse of a relatively 'normal' delivery and birthing experience is like. I mean I was still hospitalized days prior to your arrival and I was induced, so there were alot of added things that some mamas don't experience. But I labored with you and experienced contractions and a vaginal delivery after a c-section and that feels like such an incredibly beautiful feat now. To think you were my only babe I held straight away, my only babe I breastfed straight away, my only babe that left the hospital when I left. It all feels so overwhelming to be honest, and I'm just so grateful for your story, but it all feels slightly painful as I had hoped Conor's story would be mroe like yours.  

I had hoped and prayed for a different story after Jack's, and just feel so grateful for your birth story. 

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Your story means something different to me now that I know it's my only one like this. And it feels so heavy and so good, and as I look at photos from that day 4 years ago, I see a brave and courageous woman who has tears streaming down her face from the pain. I can hear the worship music playing in the room and I can sense the anticipation as she awaits the unknown of your arrival, as she hopes for a new story. The space feels sacred and holy - all of it feels like an act of worship. Every contraction, every tear, every push an act of worship. 

And when i think about it all, I'm just filled wish such a deep, deep, deep sense of gratitude. What a privilege to have experienced this 'normal' birth experience. And it feels slightly painful as well, to think I'd hoped Conor's birth story would be more like yours than Jack's, to think this 'normal' birth experience begins and ends with you. 

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my middle child. Just yesterday you woke up a little too early for my liking, and you crawled into bed with me and you wouldn't stop talking. You just kept talking and talking and talking, and I turned to you and said lovie, let's go back to bed, and you snuggled up next to me because you have to be like right next to me at all times, and you fell right back to sleep. Sometimes you just turn to me and kiss me and say I love you mama! You are a mamas boy and won't let dada do certain things because you want mama to do it. 

You are fierce and you are opinionated and you don't really take no for an answer! I've realized that you are my spirited child and sometimes it's easier to not fight you on the small things. So quite often, you wear your pjs to school drop off and yesterday you wore your pjs, your crocs, a hat and a scarf. It was so good, and you were so pleased with yourself. You're really opinionated about what you wear and you wore the same pjs every night for awhile there - good thing Jack had the same ones, so when yours were dirty you could wear his! 

We've learned alot about you this past year, and we've realized we have to give you the space to make your own decisions about things and you'll do it all in your own time, and if you wet your pants or your bed because you refuse to go potty, then so be it (in all honesty though, your bladder is insane and you can hold it for far longer than I'd like you to!), and if you are cold because you refused to put on a coat, then so be it, and if you refuse to get your shoes on, then you can't come. So this last year has really been reinforcing cause and effect and consequences, fun times for all! 

You want to do everything yourself and you LOVE helping me with anything and everything! You especially love baking, and anything that involves sugar. 

You started at a new preschool this year and you LOVE it so much. You'd go every single day if you could and you love talking about all your new friends. And your teacher is always talking about how you're such a cool dude! You walk into your classroom like you own the place, without so much as a backward glance. 

You are Mr. Independent, and you are completely indifferent to other's opinions of you. You are so use to being around people all the time that you'd prefer playing with someone over playing alone every time. And even when you are playing alone, you want to be like right next to me or you want my eyes on you. And when you're doing something you're not suppose to be doing or eating something I told you not to eat, you walk out of the room and say "nothing". It's so funny. Sometimes I have to hold back the laughter. 

Here's to 4 years Ryan Alexander! What a gift you are to our family and to this world!

Love,

Your Mama

Happy {3rd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

I never could have imagined the boy you'd be when I met you a little over three years ago! I mean you were a great baby, an incredible sleeper and so happy. But I never would have imagined just how much you'd love to sing and dance, or how much you'd love that binkie of yours or that little stuffed bunny tutu gave you.

You bring so much joy and light into our family. You laugh at everything, truly, especially at yourself. And it’s so wild to think you were a little baby just three years ago. It truly goes so incredibly fast.

And as I sit here growing another babe, I just think about growing you. About the hope I had for a different pregnancy, for a different birth story.

About who I envisioned you might be and who you are today. You are so much more than I ever could have dreamed, with your larger than life personality, your never ending chatter, and your endless energy.

And every year when I read over your birth story, I’m just taken back to that moment before I met you. And I remember. I remember the anticipation for what was to come, the hope for a new story. I remember the feeling of hope in the room and the sacredness of the moment and the power of the Holy Spirit as worship music played softly in the background.

It was all so beautiful and redemptive and healing for my broken heart which I didn’t even realize needed mending until I had you. And it was all such a gift from God to be able to have a different birth experience, to experience a c-section with your brother and a vaginal birth with you. And then to bring you home from the hospital just 24 hours after having you felt like an even greater gift.

Ryan Alexander, my heart is so tender toward you, my second born, my middle child. You love fiercely. Just a few days ago you woke up a little too early for my liking, and I brought you into bed with me, and we fell back asleep. And when I woke up an hour or so later, I realized you were so close to me you were sleeping on top of my hair. So I slowly pulled my hair out from under you, and that stirred you awake. I watched your little arm stretch upward and your little leg stretch outward and I was taken back to your itty bitty days, and then you opened your eyes and turned to me and cradled my face in your little hands as you declared I love you mama and kissed me square on the lips! It was such a beautiful and sacred moment. 

And let's be honest, I’ve never met anyone as stubborn as you! You know what you want and you go for it. This could be a certain pair of pants you want to wear that are dirty, which then involves getting your little bench and pulling every single item out of the laundry basket in search of that dirty pair of pants, or a food item I tell you you can’t have, but then I find you once again with your little bench, climbing up onto the counter to get said item. You are definitely a go getter! Your dada says you take after me haha! I don’t know if that’s a compliment or not, but you’re welcome. May you cultivate that part of yourself in a beautiful way and use it for good in this world.

Here's to 3 years Ryan Alexander! I can't even wait to see you as a big brother.

Love,

Your Mama

Happy {5th} Birthday Jack!

(Year 1 // 2 // 3 // 4)

 Dear Jack,

Your birthday was a few weeks ago, and I can't believe you are five years old. And as I tucked you into bed on your birthday, I prayed over you and just thanked God for those five years as the tears streamed down my face.

I can't believe you've been outside of the womb and in my arms for five years now. Five whole years - that feels so incredibly long. And I just keep thinking, we've had more years with you than some parents have had with their kids and that feels wild and so surreal. It makes me think about the baby we lost, the one we won't meet this side of Heaven, and I'm just so grateful for each day with you. It is all such a gift, to have carried you in my womb, to have held you in my arms, to have cared for you and kissed you and loved you.

And naturally on your birthday, I spent some time reading over your birth story (Part one and Part two) and looking back at old photos. And as I look at your five year old self, all of that feels like a lifetime ago, and I just think wow, what a story!

And with each passing year, I feel more and more removed from that story, from the weeks leading up to your birth and the weeks following it. Yet, as I read over my own words tonight and looked at photos, and thought about the time leading up to your arrival and the days after your arrival, my heart broke. And yes, your story is a beautiful one, but it's one I wouldn't wish on anyone.  As it's just so painful and hard.

I could hear my voice. I could sense my pain. I could hear my cries. I could close my eyes and be taken back to that day of your birth when I was throwing up all day and the nurses thought I had the flu, but turns out that's just how my body was responding to the contractions. Turns out I was 2.5 centimeters dilated at 33 weeks pregnant. And I remember just being tired of being in the hospital, I had been there 6 days too long, and I was done and I wanted to go home. Nothing had gone as I had hoped it would, and here we were on a Sunday night, just waiting. And your hear rate was dropping and you weren't able to withstand the contractions, so they came in to tell me it was go time. And I remember turning to the Dr. and just saying, we're going to have a baby, this is a really big deal, and the truth is, having a baby is a really big deal regardless of their entrance into the world!!

And yes, your entrance may have been a dramatic one, and your NICU stay was definitely hard on our souls and our spirits, and leaving the hospital for 20 days without you in our arms was for sure hard and yes I'd cry like every night as I just wanted you home with us, but eventually we DID take you home from the hospital and you are alive and well and for that we are so thankful!

And I find with each passing year, I'd rather reflect on who you are, than reminisce about your birth story. The truth is, as soon as that faint line appeared on that pregnancy test, I started dreaming about who you would look like, who you might be, who you would become, how long I'd be able to witness this life of yours. And this past year, I've been reminded just how precious life is, how our days are numbered, and we have no idea just how much time we'll have together. I have no idea if I'll live long enough to see you achieve various milestones, like get your drivers license, or graduate from highschool, maybe college, travel the world, get married, have children, achieve some of your dreams, etc. And I have no idea if you'll live long enough to achieve those milestones, but what I do know is that I cherish each day with you and being able to watch you grow and experience the world right before my very eyes is pure magic.

You are pure magic Jack, and I just delight in you.

And I look at the photos of your tiny 4 lb self and then admire the giant 5 year old before me,  and it's all such a gift, witnessing your growth and transformation is the most beautiful gift.

Through you God has taught me so much about letting go and letting God, in realizing nothing may go as I had planned, but in the end trusting that He is still good.

My son, I love you dearly, and lately I just find myself sitting back and just watching you. Tonight, Ryan asked me to turn music on, so he danced around the living room, while you ran back and forth playing superheroes by yourself and making super power noises. And I just sit back and watch you as I drop you off at preschool, and you stuff your bag into a cubby and give me a quick hug and run off to play with your friends. I admire the way you just engage with a situation and a new environment whether that's at the gym, or at a new school, or with new friends. You're just fully in it and you love being around people and being on the go.

But you also love your down time, and ask for space alone and just time to decompress and sit and quietly read a book. I love that you already know this about yourself at 5 - that you know what you need and you have the words to express it. You are exceptionally inquisitive and curious and you love to ask questions - I love this about you!

I love the way you love your brother and watching you two interact together brings me so much joy. Last night we asked you a few questions and one of them was what's your favorite thing about Ryan, and you replied cause he laughs so hard! And no one makes him laugh harder than you Jack Emmet, truly, but I suppose in that breath, no one makes him cry more than you too haha!!

And I wish I could record all the conversations we have, like the one we had lately with your friend Noelle about girls and getting married. You were talking about some girls in your class and said I'm going to marry so and so, and I said well the girl gets a say in all this as well you know. You don't just get to pick, she chooses you as well. Or the conversation we've had about you never moving out, how you're just going to build a tree house in the backyard and live there with your family and your dog. Or the nightly play by play of your day.

I love how in those 5 years of your life, I have come to know you, to know what you like, to know what you need, to anticipate a request before the words even make it out of your mouth. You love make believe and super heros and super powers and lego and building all sorts of things and you'd like to be a builder someday! My child, I could see that happening as you always ask about the creater behind something and who built this item or that object.

You are such a great little buddy, and you listen well and you love helping with things around the house and being given little responsibities, like putting things away or cleaning or dusting or setting the table or doing the dishes. It's the cutest thing as I watch you putting napkins and silverware on the table, and all the sauces we have in the fridge, even though I know we won't use any of them!

Jack Emmet, I need you to know that God has used you in such a powerful way to refine me. And I had no idea just how much refining needed to happen within my soul and spirit. These past five years have been filled with letting go and extending grace to myself and to you, and just slowing down. My desire is to know you and to be known by you, and for you to see the Lord's goodness and love for you reflected in the way I speak to you and in the way I care for you and in the way I love you and set you free!

 I'm so grateful for the privilege it is to raise you.

I love you so much,

Mama

Peter, You're my Favorite

Peter, You're my absolute favorite.

And today, I want to wish you the Happiest of Birthdays!

Thirty-seven years ago today, you were born. And rather than share all the things I love about you, I just wanted to share from the heart. And I should say now, this post may have started as a Father's day post many months ago, but I figured today would be a good day to finish it!!

I can't even begin to imagine how different my life would be, how different I would be, if you had not been born.

Thank you Jesus for his mother that birthed him, and for his parents that raised him, and to you for creating Him!

When I first met you 13 years ago I never would have dreamed we'd be where we are today.

But looking back now, I can't even imagine anything different.

So many of my memories lead back to you, so many of my life paths lead back to you.

And for that I am so grateful.

God has used you in such a mighty and powerful way to mold me and transform me and restore me and heal me, and I thank you Peter for responding in obedience to that call.

I thank you for speaking truth even when it's hard and even in my most stubborn moments.

I thank you for holding my hand and walking beside me in all the ugly and beautiful moments.

I thank you for holding my memories and my stories for me. 

I thank you for challenging me to think beyond myself and outside of the box.

I thank you for encouraging me to be true to myself, to speak truth and to live in that freedom and abandon as God has called us to live..

I thank you for your sincere desire to change the world, to change our systems, and to change our overall way of being.

And I thank you for challenging me to be a changemaker, to challenge the status quo, to challenge the way things are, it is intoxicating. And I love you for it.

And Peter, thank you for being my partner in every sense of the word.

Thank you for loving me and our children so deeply. 

You delight in them and they delight in you, and as I watch you with our boys, I get a glimpse of the Father's true delight in all of us. 

Thank you for this glimpse as you laugh with them, as you share things with them, as you teach and instruct them.

It's like my dad said, "I always knew you were a good man, but then you became a dad, and you my friend are a great dad."

You truly are a great dad. 

Being a parent is hard work, this you know, and its easy to lose sight of ourselves and each other in the shuffle and chaos of it all.

And sometimes I forget to look up and I forget to look beside me to see that the Lord and you have been there the whole time.

And lately I've been reminded of the blessing of this parenting partnership, no one else knows what these years have been like, the sleepless nights, the joy, the tantrums, the refinement.

You are the one who holds our memories for us, the good, the bad, the ugly. You've walked through it all with me. No human knows me better. And I'm just so thankful for you.

Peter, you're all of our favorites, but you're especially mine.

And it's so true. I love our children, but I love you so much.

There's no one else I'd rather spend time with, no one else I'd rather grow old with, no one else I'd rather share all of myself with. 

Thank you for sharing this life with me, for choosing me, for standing beside me in the brightest of moments and in the darkest of days. 

Happiest of Birthdays my love! May this next year be filled with so many beautiful moments of transformation and growth and may you continually look up and see His face and His hand in all of it.

We love you!

xoxo,

Malia

Happy {4th} birthday Jack!

 (Year 1 // 2 // 3 )

Dear Jack,

Today is your fourth birthday. I can't believe you are four years old. I can't believe you've been outside of the womb and in my arms for four years now. I can't believe I've been a mom for that long, but I suppose that explains the bags under my eyes and the grey hairs I've been plucking out of my head for a few years now!

And I of course spent some time reading over your birth story today (Part one and Part two). And it's funny because now that I'm four years removed, I just think wow, what a story! It almost feels like it's not my story anymore as we're in such a different season and your brothers birth story was so different from yours.

The reality is, the road leading up to your arrival and even after your arrival was a difficult one. It was really hard, the hardest thing we'd ever dealt with at that stage in the game of life. I had never spent nine days in a hospital before, and I had never had a baby before, let alone a c-section or a preemie. It was all so new. All of it - we were walking uncharted territory, yes there are those who had gone before us, but we had never walked this road before. The NICU stay, the pumping, the breastfeeding, the visits, the endless waiting, the nights at home without a baby beside me, the empty arms. There were countless nights, I left the hospital in tears because I just wanted to bring you home with us. It was so hard. Yet, amidst the hard moments, God was good, He was faithful and we learned so much about how to care for you, how to care for each other and how deeply we were loved by God. And your entrance into this world was beautiful and your story is yours. I can't wait to share it with you someday!

But I find, with each passing year, that I'd rather reflect on who you are, on who I am now by the grace of God because of you, than reminisce about your birth story.

Jack Emmet, my firstborn, my preemie, my undoing, my thinker, my refiner. I saw you first as two lines on a pregnancy test, and again as two more lines on another pregnancy test. I saw you first in the little buddy three month pajamas I bought from Target. Little did I know just how small you actually would be and that it would take you AGES to actually fit into them. We announced your existence to the grandparents through an I Love you, Grandpa book on Father's Day! And your grandma announced your gender to us early on as she placed the ultrasound wand over my tiny belly. A BOY she exclaimed! I knew it, I just knew it. I also thought you'd have red hair. Let's just say I nailed it!

Your entrance into the world felt so dramatic, and through it all, God taught me so much about patience and provision. He has used you in such a mighty way to undo me, to refine me. And it's crazy for me to think that you were just 23 months old when Ryan was born. You were still such a baby, but gosh you felt so big on the day you met him and I held you both in my arms.

Jack Emmet, you my son are so good. And your goodness is so pure and so good for my own soul. I mean don't get me wrong, you can be a bit of a terror sometimes, but most of the time I find myself in awe of the things you say..."Have fun with your friends mama, have a good time, thanks for coming over and playing, have a good nights sleep, mama I love you so much, mama thanks for playing with me, mama thanks for buying me this." And just last week as you were walking out the door to go to school, you said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And you ran back into your room, and squeezed Ryan tight and smothered him with kisses and he wrapped his little arms around you and just stood there, fully accepting your hugs and kisses. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as it felt like such a pure and sacred moment. And I thought, this, this is what it's all about.

Jack Emmet, I've loved getting to know your 3 year old self. I wish you could meet him. He's so curious and inquisitive and asks the best questions. In fact, you recently asked me if you could have a sister, and I asked you if you'd be okay with another brother, and you said, no I'd like a sister. I then had to inform you that it doesn't quite work like that, but you've been talking ALOT about your baby sister lately. (DISCLAIMER - I am NOT pregnant, but we are definitely praying about the timing and possibility of adding to the Drennan clan if God wills it.)

I love being your mama, I don't think I could have envisioned just how much I would love it nor how much joy and contentment I'd find in this role. It's exhausting, I've never had a harder job, but good Lord it's so rewarding!

And I need you to know that you have changed me. Being a mother has changed me. I've experienced the Lords love for me in such a deeper way as I love you. I turn to Him for strength when I'm so tired and my spirit is so weak. I turn to Him for wisdom when I'm at my wits end. I turn to Him for forgiveness on the days when I need a do over. I turn to Him in my joy and in my grief. And my hope and prayer my sweet boy is that you will see the Lord's goodness and love for you reflected in the way I speak to you, in the way I care for you and in the way I love you!

I'm so thankful for this gift of another year of life! This life we're living is such a gift and it is such a joy to watch you grow and discover the world.

I love you so much,

Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Jack

Hi Sweet Boy,

It's your mama here! I've been so nostalgic and reminiscent all week, leading up to your birthday tomorrow. And I just wanted to take the time to write to you on the eve of your 4th birthday.

Four years ago on this day I had been in the hospital for six days, we were awaiting answers, and ultimately awaiting your birth. We had no idea what awaited us.

We had planned to go to Ireland that Christmas, tickets were booked, and the day before we were scheduled to fly out the Dr. told us to cancel our flights as he was concerned for your growth. So we followed the Drs. orders, but rather reluctantly. The reality was, I was absolutely devastated, couldn't believe this was happening. And when I was reading this Drennan Family Update post I could just remember all the emotions. I could remember the tears streaming down my face. I could remember the ugly crying, the body shaking, uncontrollable sobbing that took over my body in that car ride home from the hospital. I can remember just how unjust and unfair it all felt. And even now, four years later, the tears stream down my face as I remember that woman. We had no idea what awaited us.

Then fast forward a few weeks, and I show up for a Drs appointment on New Years only to have them admit me. My blood pressure was high and they wanted to change my medication, so they put me in a wheelchair and sent me upstairs. Happy New Years to us right? I was hoping they'd eventually send me home. But alas, they didn't. We had no idea what awaited us.

And like I said, this day four years ago, I'd been in the hospital six days, six days longer than I'd ever envisioned I'd be. No one anticipates being in the hospital that long BEFORE their baby arrives. I never envisioned I'd become so familiar with the anti-partum unit nor did I imagine just what it would mean to deliver at UW, let's just say lots of monitoring and assessing and lots of intervention. But good Lord do they have the most beautiful NICU with the most incredible staff! And little did I know just how soon we'd be needing that NICU and that staff as we had no idea what awaited us.

The reality is, we truly had no idea what awaited us. We had no idea your birthday would be tomorrow, as so many things were uncertain. And I can't believe it's been four years since all of this went down. In some ways it feels fresh and in others it feels like such a distant memory. And as I think back on all of this, on all that we went through leading up to your arrival, I just think, what an incredible story already, and you weren't even out of the womb yet, the best had yet to come. What an incredible story of faith and resilience, of trusting in the Lord and in His goodness, of letting go and letting God. I can look at the situation now and say, we had no idea what awaited us, but God did and His hand was always in it, teaching us lesson after beautiful lesson. And I'm so thankful this is part of your story!

I love you so much and I can't wait to celebrate you tomorrow!!

Love,

Mama

Happy {2nd} Birthday Ryan!

My Dearest Ryan,

Your birthday was 2 weeks ago, and I'm just now sitting down to write to you. It's a Friday, but we dropped your brother off at school today and I don't work today (yay!), and you're currently napping in your room, so I decided to crawl back into bed and put my fingers to the keyboard. These moments of silence and stillness are so rare these days.

And I thought, everything else can wait as I have a letter to write to my second born.

It feels so surreal to think my baby is 2 years old already and that it's been 2 years since I was pregnant. Where has the time gone?

Yet as I sit here reflecting over the past 2 years, I remember. I close my eyes, and I'm taken back to another moment in time before I knew who your two year old self would be. And I remember.

And as I read over your birth story, I remember the waiting, the anticipating. I remember the emotions, the tears, the pain, the excitement. I remember just how sick I was with a terrible cough, which was later diagnosed as bronchitis.

I remember the woman I was 2 years ago. I remember the hope for a different birth story. I remember the worship music that was playing in the background and the beautiful way your dada and our dear friend Erin gathered around me and supported me as they prayed over me and your birth. I remember the sacredness and the holiness of that birthing experience. And I remember the tears of joy and relief as you exited my body and as I praised God for the gift of a different birth story! I remember our first moments together, and I remember just how teeny tiny you were, weighing in at 5 lbs 11 oz.

Ryan Alexander, my second born, my second chance, my remaking. I saw you first as a missed period! And then came the two lines on a pregnancy test. We announced your existence to the grandparents with said pregnancy test, except this time your older brother was the one holding it! Tutu (my mom) announced your gender as well, another BOY she exclaimed. And I remember gasping, as I loudly declared another boy... BROTHERS!! Jack's going to have a brother! And eventually the fear came that your birth story would be the same as your brothers. But by the grace of God your story is different. And as thankful as I am for both experiences, I praise God for that different story. He healed me through you, you are my remaking.

I get emotional just replaying the video from the gender reveal (see post) as I had no idea what awaited me. Another Boy...Brothers. I had no idea what this even meant. But let me tell you what it means now, you my child are such a little lover, always telling everyone you come into contact with that you love them, asking for hugs and kisses. And you adore your brother. You copy him and follow him around everywhere. He drives you wild, but no one can make you laugh like he can. And when you two hug and kiss on your own accord, my heart breaks a little at the beautiful sight of it. And as your brother was walking out the door to go to school today, he said, "Oh I need to say bye to Ry guy and give him a hug and kiss." And he ran back into your room, and he squeezed you tight and smothered you with kisses and you wrapped your little arms around him and just stood there. And I found myself just watching the two of you from the hallway as I didn't want to intrude upon this beautiful moment.

Good Lord this life is such a gift. You, my son, are such a gift! I can't even put into words the joy you bring to our family. And tears begin to stream down my face as I begin to attempt to. You my son are full of joy, always. Don't get me wrong, you are definitely opinionated and so determined to get what you want when you want it, and you definitely throw your fair share of tantrums and your death grip is insane, but your belly laugh is out of this world. And your love for dancing is contagious! You're constantly declaring, "C'mon Mama, Dance!" as you reach for my hand. So I grab your little hand and turn on the music and laugh and dance with you as you wave your arms and stomp your feet. I wish you could meet your almost 2 year old self, you would just love him. He's so funny. And he thinks other people are even funnier. "Funny," your little voice declares as you belly laugh. And I'm left baffled that a 2 year old could have a sense of humor and experience joy like yours.

I can't believe I get to be your mom!

I will love you forever my sweet, sweet son.

Happy 2nd birthday Ryan Alexander!

Love,

Your Mama

Birthday Eve - Letter to Ryan

Dearest Ryan,

I'm actually writing this on your birthday, rather than on your birthday eve, but better late than never right? Just like your Birthday Eve post last year! I had the best intentions to write something last night as I was sitting and reflecting and reading over your birth story, but alas, it didn't happen. And once I did sit down for the night, I found myself sitting in front of my computer to finish some work tasks, rather than sitting in front of my computer to write about life and my emotions and your birth.

But alas, here I am! And I can't believe it's been nearly 2 years since I was pregnant. How did that happen? Feels like forever ago. Yet I was feeling all the feels last night as I baked and smothered your cake in chocolate buttercream frosting. And I just thought this time 2 years ago I was eagerly awaiting and anticipating your arrival.

I'd been in the hospital for one night already, I'd started the induction process, and I had absolutely no idea what awaited me.

I had no idea as to how long I would labor, or how much you would weigh or who you would become.

I had no idea just how wide my heart could expand and how deeply we could love you!

I had no idea just how refining these two years would be for my spirit and my soul.

I had no idea just how beautiful it would be to watch your relationship with your brother develop.

I had no idea just how deeply Jack would love you nor how thankful he would be for you.

We are so thankful for you Ryan, and we thank God for you, for your life, for your joy, for your laughter, for the 2 years we've had together. 

And I'm so thankful for your birth story. And I get even more emotional now that I know the full story, now that I've lived through it. That birthing experience rocked my world and healed me and restored me in a way I never even knew I needed. It was my second chance, and it still feels like such a gift to have had such a different story the second time around.

And last night as I held you tight, smothered you with kisses, and nuzzled your neck till you laughed, I was just so overwhelmed with gratitude. I just prayed over you and cried out to the Lord (and pleaded for so many more years of life!) with tears streaming down my face. Thank you Jesus for this boy. Thank you Jesus for the privilege of being his mama! Thank you Jesus for his joy and his love for life. May we continue to release him to You, always remembering that he is Yours. May he come to know you and not only Believe IN you, but Believe you and live by your truths. May I continue to be overwhelmed by Your goodness and Your grace. And may you grant Peter and I the wisdom and the strength to raise him up in a way that honors and glorifies you. Amen.

And then I placed you in your bed and you said bye mama. It was all just beautiful.

And then you woke up a few hours later and wouldn't go back to sleep, and you woke up your brother. So I eventually went back into your room and grabbed you out of your bed and held you against my chest. And as I felt the rise of your chest on mine, I just thought, the days are long, but the years truly are short. Before I know it, you won't be sleeping in your mini crib, and you won't be able to fit the same in my arms.

And I could get all nostalgic and sad for the years that have passed. But on the eve of your birthday, I'm filled with so much excitement, just as I was 2 years ago, as I can't wait to see who you become, to watch you grow (Lord willing), to discover more of who you are.

Love you so much!

Mama