Little Buddy #2: 31 weeks

week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I was basically put on moderate bed rest with Jack at this stage (around 31 weeks), our flights to Ireland for Christmas had already been canceled, and to top it all off the Dr. requested that I start working exclusively from home. I thought about all of that as I climbed the three flights of stairs today to my desk at work. It's amazing how different this pregnancy has been, and I can't help but wonder if it's simply because I have a different Dr. or if it's just a different birth story all together. 

Growing // They say that baby is now the size of a pineapple. All five of his senses are in working order, his irises react to light now, and he's going through major brain and nerve development. He can turn his head from side to side, and his arms, legs, and body are beginning to plump out as needed fat accumulates under his skin. And he's just getting smarter, which is great, because pregnancy brain is real! And I have a hard time keeping track of things, just ask the husband - oops. He's about 16.5 inches long and weighs about 3.5 lbs. and he's definitely starting to feel a little crowded in there.

We had an ultrasound appointment last week (30 weeks 2 days) to check LB2's growth, and if my weight gain and belly size are any indication of this kid's size, then I figured he was going to be just fine. He measured in at the 54th percentile, sorry Jack, but you never measured that big! 

At this stage in the game, a little after 32 weeks, Jack was definitely on the small side, his head measured big, and his body was measuring small, and his femur length was short, and he weighed about 3 lbs 5 oz. And with LB2, they said he weighed around 3 lbs. 10 oz, which isn't THAT far off from Jack's actual birth weight of 4 lbs. 2 oz. Everything else was measuring ahead of his gestational age, except for his femur length - his head circumference is in the 80th percentile, and his abdominal circumference is in the 79th percentile, and his femur length is in the 3rd percentile (poor child). The Dr. said that she was very pleased with his measurements and his growth and that the place to look for growth restriction would be in his abdominal circumference, but considering he's measuring on target for that, she's not concerned! So we keep on keeping on.

He's definitely in the head down position - the ultrasound tech had the hardest time getting his head measurements as he's so low. I don't know what it is, but both boys have remained in those deep head down positions from the very start - makes things a little uncomfortable for me, but such is life. 

Eating + Sleeping // I still love ice cold beverages. I haven't been eating much meat - loving all types of homemade soups though. Still love bread and cheese and crackers and toast smothered in butter. Yum, think I'll go put a piece of bread in the toaster! In regards to sleeping, still sleeping fine, using two extra pillows now rather than just one!

Feeling // I have definitely been feeling Braxton hicks contractions, which is funny because I never thought I felt contractions with Jack, and now that I know what they are, I'm fully aware of the tightening of the uterus. Our bodies are crazy! Definitely feeling out of breath these days - can't talk too fast or for too long before I start to feel out of breath, and climbing up stairs are a full days work! Heartburn has kicked itself up a notch and there was one day where I popped like 5 tablets. I'm sure the dosage will increase in time!!

Wearing // Same old same old. 

Milestones // I'm just so pleased I've made it to 31 weeks without being put on bed rest, without being told that I could have baby in a few weeks, without being hospitalized. I wrote this blog post titled the Drennan Family Update right around 31 weeks pregnant with Jack (I didn't post it till I was nearly 33 weeks, but the emotions are from a 31 week pregnant woman). I remember this woman, little did she know that she would be hospitalized the next day after posting it and meeting her son in a weeks time. Each day from here on out is a major milestone! 

 Pregnant with Jack week  17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30 // 31

Little Buddy: 30 weeks!

This picture is a bit more realistic than all the other ones you have seen!  As soon as I get home from work I pull off, or maybe I say say peel off considering everything is starting to feel a bit more snug, those work clothes and get comfy.  I'm still wearing pre-maternity gear, but I'm starting to feel like it would be really nice to have some maternity pants!!  I mean who would have thought that I would be dying to buy a pair of maternity jeans with that big bit of stretchy fabric at the top.  Anything and everything that fits over the baby bump feels simply glorious at this stage.  My husband finds it amusing when I pull things up over that bump and yet I find it so satisfying!  

So let's see - I'm 30 weeks pregnant and in my 31st week, which seems strange to say.  Makes me slightly anxious just thinking about the fact that he could arrive in 5 weeks if he wanted to!  Peter and I are praying HARD, yes we are trying to control the situation, that he won't arrive until AFTER we get back from Ireland.  We still have a ton to do before he graces us with his presence, but to be honest, the majority if not all of that TON to do is simply things we have put on ourselves.  I mean let's be honest, he's not going to sleep in that crib for awhile, so it's okay if I don't have it BEFORE we go to Ireland.  And he doesn't care if there are cute little pictures hanging on the closet walls or if the closet is all decorated BEFORE he is born...because once again, he isn't even going to sleep in there.

And when I sit and think about the concept of baby rooms, they truly are for the parents, and you can truly go INSANE with all the details.  So I'd rather not bother.  However, we did paint his little closet room tonight, or maybe I should say Peter did, and we do know which crib we are going to buy, but we are waiting to purchase it until closer to our arrival back into the states, otherwise it might just sit outside our house for a little while and I don't want that.

So at 30 weeks, they say LB is the size of a cucumber - so very long and skinny!!  We need that little guy to plump up - and he will in time, which simply means the baby bump will continue to grow.  And let's just say that my belly is definitely getting bigger and I'm finding it hard to dress myself amongst other things.  Sleeping is becoming alot more difficult and I'm starting to understand the reasoning behind one of those specialty pillows that I never did buy myself. And I have had 3 random people comment on the fact that I was pregnant, maybe that had something to do with the fact that I was talking about my doctor and needing Iron tablets.  I should say, I passed my diabetes screening, but the nurse kindly informed me that my Iron levels were extremely low and I needed to get iron supplements as soon as possible!  Well maybe that explains why I'm so tired ALL of the time.

His skin is getting smoother and his brain is getting wrinklier to make way for all that essential brain tissue, and he's now strong enough to grasp a finger!  How cool is that??  And he spends much of his time asleep, and he may even have a sleep pattern similar to mine.  And if I'm honest, I think he might, which could be a good thing or a bad thing!! He moves alot during the days and he normally moves alot at night when I'm lying down.  He's probably like FINALLY she's relaxing, time to play!  I have definitely felt his little hiccups, which is extremely amusing.

I haven't really seen much swelling, if any to be honest.  And I can still put my boots on - it will be a very sad day when I can't put those on anymore - sure hope that doesn't happen!  I have been experiencing heartburn a little bit lately, probably less than normal to be honest.  And I have definitely felt more uncomfortable lately and getting up and out of bed and out of chairs is a bit more difficult these days.  Husband once again finds it all extremely amusing and even stated that I reminded him of a tortoise on it's back.  Haha!  Gotta love that man!  The funny thing is - that's kind of how I feel.  And I have been having some pretty strange dreams lately.

And I could write so much more, but it's definitely past my bed time!

Until Next week,

Malia and LB

Little Buddy #2: 34 weeks

week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30 // 31 // 32 // 33

Strange to think this is where my bump photos end with Jack...I have a photo of him outside the womb and in the hospital at 35 weeks, but 34 weeks was missed! I suppose it's simply a photo the day after his birthday.

I can't believe I've made it to this point! I didn't think this day would come. Last Sunday I took my blood pressure, and it was high, like 150/90 high. And I knew my time had come when blood pressure medication would be in my future. And sure enough, I took my first dosage the next day. It felt like deja vu all over again, and as we went to bed that night, Peter turned to me and said we better enjoy this night in our bed together as it could be our last before the baby comes. Little did he know that we would have at least 6 more nights in our bed together! Who knows what the future holds for us, the Dr. said it's all just a waiting game. We will most likely be meeting our little person in 3-4 weeks or maybe even sooner. Dr. said we had a really great chance of making it to 36 weeks, but she wouldn't let me go further than 38 weeks. I will most likely be induced unless I go into labor sooner. And either the medication will stop working or the baby will stop growing, and we are hoping that all happens past the 36 weeks mark! But we shall see.

Growing // They say that baby is now the size of a cantaloupe or a butternut squash. He now weighs about 4 3/4 pounds and is almost 18 inches long. His fat layers which will help regulate his body temperature once he's born are filling out, making him rounder. He's recognizing and reacting to simple songs and he's also urinating about a pint a day. I should know more about his size on Tuesday as I have an ultrasound scheduled for that morning!

Eating + Sleeping // Eating the usual items and waking up at least twice a night to go to the bathroom. This babies head is so low! It hurts sometimes!

Feeling // Like I have a lot of appointments scheduled now. Drs. appointment once a week and then non-stress tests twice a week and ultrasounds every three weeks. It could be worse though...I could be living at the hospital and I could have had loads of doctor's appointments throughout the entire pregnancy! So I suppose it's all relative really. The reality is, I'm still pregnant and hoping this baby bakes as long as he can! Definitely feeling the braxton hicks too. And I'm just tired...love just laying down to read my book or to write on the blog or to just rest. Feels so good to be off my feet!

Wearing // Nothing special to report. But I can barely zip some of my jackets - so I have started wearing one of Peter's on a regular basis.

Milestones // I can't even believe we've made it to this point! This pregnancy has just flown by. I'm sure baby weighs more than Jack by now. Here's to a new birth story, a different doctor and uncharted territory! I don't know what pregnancy looks like beyond this point. 

Pregnant with Jack week  17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30 // 31 // 32 // 33

Little Buddy #2: 35 weeks

photo courtesy of lightworks360

week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30 // 31 // 32 // 33 // 34

So much to write, but I'll save that update for another day. I can't believe I've made it to 35 weeks - it seems like such a great accomplishment. I have fully entered into a realm of pregnancy that I am completely unfamiliar with and it seems strange. I am now doing two non stress tests a week and seeing my Dr. weekly and we may have another growth ultrasound at 37/38 weeks, but we shall see! LB2 has been cooperating for the most part at the non-stress tests, and both times so far they have walked away pleased with this heartbeat. I have been having some serious contractions so they told me to watch for those, but if I'm honest, I'm kind of in denial. This all just seems so surreal to me, and I think I want to pretend he's going to stay in the womb forever even though we know that's not the reality. And I will most likely be scheduling my induction date this week.

Growing // They say that baby is now the size of a coconut and that he should now weigh between 4.2 to 5.8 lbs, which is quite the range if you ask me. At our ultrasound last Tuesday they estimated his weight to be 4 lbs 11 oz, but he's definitely on the smaller end. I'd imagine we will have a 5 lb something baby, and I'd be surprised if he weighed 6 lbs seeing as he gained a lb in 4 weeks and we will most likely be meeting him in less than that. In regards to inches - Jack was 16.5 inches at nearly 34 weeks, so I'm guessing this baby is probably about 17 inches or so. They are growing really similarly which is interesting - big heads, short legs and small abdomen. I can definitely tell that he's growing as some of his movements are actually kind of painful and he's getting closer and closer to my ribs! However, he's so low that the ultrasound tech had the hardest time getting any type of head measurements.

Eating + Sleeping // Eating the usual items more or less, but I did buy Chili Cheese Fritos at the grocery store and you bet I blamed it on pregnancy cravings. What am I going to blame those grocery cart items on after I have the baby? Truly though being pregnant is an excuse to throw things like that into your shopping cart and to actually feel kind of okay about it! I have also been buying flavored seltzer water...yummy! Kind of nice to have a little treat. I've been waking up at least twice a night to go to the bathroom. Guess I'm getting prepared for when baby comes.

Feeling // Like I'm pregnant. I get out of breath so easily and it's so strange having my bump get in the way of things. My bed has never felt so good - truly, if I could, I would just go to bed early or lay in bed for hours every night. And I can't believe we are going to meet him so soon! I'm excited and terrified at the same time, and I feel like there's almost more uncertainty with this one than there was with Jack! I mean I could have a vaginal birth, I could have a c-section, I could have a natural birth, I could have an epidural, I could have baby tomorrow or I could have baby in a few weeks. Realistically baby will be arriving in a few weeks as I can't imagine he will be arriving early on his own, and I don't have any plans for a scheduled c-section. So if that happens, it will be for another reason.

Wearing // Still living in my maternity dresses. Hardly ever wear pants unless they are leggings!

Milestones // LB2 is such a mover and a shaker! Love watching my stomach contort from LB2's movements. This week is a milestone and every week after will be a continued milestone. And it's crazy to think I only have a few more weeks to go! We finally have a bed for LB2 - Jack's still in his crib, but we did buy a toddler bed, so we will need to transfer him one of these days. I'm in the process of finalizing the boys shared room - need to hang some bookshelves and order a rug and get my diy on for some projects on the walls. Who knows when that will happen, but a girl can dream
right? 

Pregnant with Jack week  17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30 // 31 // 32 // 33 

Conor's Birth Story

So it's a Sunday, and my parents took the boys for the weekend, and when Peter asked me how I wanted to spend the day, I just said I need space to just sit down and write about all that has happened these past two weeks. I need time and space to write about Conor's birth story, to feel the trauma and pain of it, to shed the tears, to feel the heavy sense of grief that it didn't quite go as I had hoped and the joy that he is alive! I need to fully lean into it and set it all free so it has no hold on me anymore.

And as I sit here trying to piece together just what happened two weeks ago, I'm realizing my memory is already blurry with the details of it all, with the trauma of it all. 

The truth is, I don't quite know where his birth story begins and ends? Does it begin with my intuition that something just wasn't right? Does it begin at Northwest with the ultrasound? Does it end as soon as they cut him out of my tummy? Does it end when I am discharged? Does it end when he's discharged? What's the end of this story going to be? 

And for the sake of length and time, it more or less begins with the ultrasound on Saturday and ends when I finally leave the hospital, but let's be real, I haven't really left the hospital because I'm there more or less every single day. 

And I am warning you now, it is long, very long. I considered breaking it into two parts but I couldn't bring myself to do that. 

I'm going to try my best to put myself back to two weeks ago when I had no idea just what awaited us as I attempt to relive the day and the hours leading up to Conor's arrival. 

This is Conor's birth story. 

***

Let's just start off by saying my name is Malia and I have high blood pressure. The Drs don't really understand why I have high blood pressure at my age, but it normally averages around 128/85 or something? It's never 120/80 or below, it always hovers above the normal numbers, and pregnancy really does wonders for it! So with all my babes the Drs watch me closely and at some stage in the pregnancy, they start me on blood pressure medication. With Jack they started me on medication super early on, like 16 weeks, and with Ryan I had a different Dr. and she started me on medication at like 30 weeks or something? 

Now remember, Jack was my c-section, premature, NICU stay baby I brought home from the hospital 20 days after he was born (Jack's birth story Part one and Part two) and Ryan was my v-bac, 38 week, full term baby I brought home from the hospital literally 24 hours after he was born (Ryan's birth story). So we were really hoping for a repeat of Ryan's birth story!

However, as we know, anything is possible, and just days before Conor's birth I sent my Dr. an email with some questions like how do I know I'm not experiencing real contractions, how do I know I'm not leaking fluid, how do I know he's okay if I don't feel him moving much? And she replied back, we'll know more in two days at his growth ultrasound and then we can take things from there. 

And looking back, my mama intuition was already kicking in. Something just felt different, or off? I have no idea. But I wasn't nearly as settled with this pregnancy as I was with the ones prior, even though my blood pressures at all my previous Drs appointments had been really good, fairly normal to be honest, and my Dr and I had even talked about the possibility of them being normal my entire pregnancy and carrying this baby to 40 weeks and not even being induced like I was with Ryan. 

And ironically when I picked Jack up from school on Thursday, April 12th, his teachers looked at me and said oh you are still pregnant! Jack was saying his baby brother had been born, and we thought, well isn't that really early? And I said yes, WAY TOO EARLY - hopefully we won't be meeting him for a few more months. 

You guys, I tell you, that Jack Emmet is so intuitive and God has used him in so many ways to speak truth and certainty into my life. Never underestimate the wise words that come out of the mouth of babes! You never know just who God might use to speak truth to you.

I never would have written this story for Conor's birth! However for some strange reason, I had held this pregnancy and this baby so loosely as I just felt like something was going to happen to him, and I wrote about these feelings just weeks prior to having him. Pregnancy after a loss is the strangest thing, and during my entire pregnancy with Conor, I was constantly reminded that this babe (and all my babes) belong to the Lord. They are His children first, He has created them and knit them together in my womb, and Peter and I have the privilege of raising them. But ultimately, He is the one writing their stories, and it's up to us as parents as to how we carry those stories out, how we tell them, how we retell them, how we use them to shape us and our perspective and the faith of our family.

Anyhow, all that to say, on Saturday, April 14th, I went into Northwest Hospital for a growth ultrasound, which is normal protocol for me and my babes at this stage in the pregnancy game as they just want to assess that they are growing appropriately. And since I have high blood pressure, they want to ensure that it's not compromising the growth of the baby. 

The appointment was at 1 pm. And it had been scheduled for weeks. And the ultrasound tech did all the usual measurements and he was measuring small, which I wasn't surprised by as all my babies measure small and they just are small. Jack was 4 lbs 2 oz at 33 weeks 6 days and Ryan was 5 lbs 11 oz at 38 weeks. 

But Conor was measuring really small. At his 20 week ultrasound he was in the 6th percentile, which I didn't realize until the ultrasound at 28 weeks when the tech informed us that his pattern of growth had decreased from the 6th percentile to the 1st percentile. And she checked the blood flow in his umbilical cord and there was reverse flow, meaning he was giving blood back to me, which isn't good because that impacts his growth. 

So she stepped out of the room to run her findings by the radiologist, and she came back in and said we're going to walk you over to the Childbirth Center and you're going to be admitted! I was like okay?? 

I figured they'd monitor the baby, check my blood pressure, etc., and send me home. Who knew what all it would entail, but never did I imagine that I'd be having this baby anytime soon! That thought hadn't even crossed my mind to be honest.

However, as soon as a Dr. walked in, one of the first things she mentioned was the need to transfer me by ambulance to UW as Northwest doesn't deliver babies at 28 weeks. I was like excuse me? Did you say deliver? Who said anything about having this baby today as I know I sure didn't! And the Dr. was like well it's a possibility, so just in case, we want you to be where you need to be. 

At this stage in the game, Conor's heart rate was great. However, it took them awhile before they checked my blood pressure. I kept saying, you need to check my blood pressure, you need to check my blood pressure, it feels really high. 

And they finally did. And my blood pressure was 171/110. 

My blood pressure has NEVER been that high, but I just knew something was off. I could feel that it was super high and never before have I experienced that. So they started me on an IV of magnesium, and they warned me about the side effects of it all. Peter reminded me that I'd had it before with Jack, and that it made me all loopy, but I don't remember any of this! Probably for the best right? And they may have given me a steroid shot at Northwest for Conor's lung development before they wheeled me away for my ambulance ride to UW.

And then I arrived at UW around 3:30/4, and I just remember thinking, sweet Jesus, not again. I never wanted to deliver here again, never ever - high intervention hospital, so many Drs. coming in and out, and I'll never remember all their names or where they're at in the totem pole, extra monitoring, so little sleep. I wanted to be back at Northwest hospital, delivering this baby with my Dr., and you better believe I told everyone I saw how I felt about it all! 

And I now think, forgive me Lord, I wasn't in a good place.  

And they continued to monitor me and Conor's heartbeat was great, and they said if he keeps looking this great with my blood pressures so high, then chances are good he won't be born today! Their hope was that they could get my blood pressures under control and his heartbeat would remain stable, and I'd be in the antepartum unit for 3.5 weeks until they induced me at 32 weeks! And I could possibly have this baby vaginally, but chances of another c-section were fairly high. 

So I wouldn't be going home until after this baby was born? I remember thinking, this always happens to me, I go in for a routine appointment only to be informed I won't be returning home until after the baby is born. I'm never expecting it, even though you'd think by now maybe I should start expecting it? I never have my hospital bag packed, I'm never fully emotionally, physically or spiritually prepared for that news to hit my heart. And yet, it's happened every single time. 

And I remember thinking, there's no way I can survive 3.5 weeks here. I barely lasted 6 days of baby monitoring and hospitalization with Jack, how in the world was I to do that for 3.5 weeks! And what about my boys? and Peter? And selfishly, I remember thinking, and what about all the events and things I'll miss? 

But all of this was very shortlived as they were having the hardest time getting my blood pressure under control. They kept giving me dose after dose of labetelol and my blood pressure was still really high. I remember asking them, at what stage do you worry about me as it seemed their biggest concern was Conor and his heartbeat. And they just said, there are alot of things we can give you to lower your blood pressure, we're just trying to figure out what's going to work.

And my blood pressure kept creeping up. And I was starving, I hadn't eaten since breakfast, but they didn't want to give me anything to eat and drink until they had sorted out my blood pressure. But they did give me ice chips! 

And then they gave me atenelol, another blood pressure medication that I've taken with my past pregnancies, and a little bit after that I got really hot and I was so uncomfortable and I just felt off. 

The medication had worked. My blood pressure dropped suddenly to like 100/60 or something. 

And then my heart rate dropped. 

And Conor's heart rate dropped, and then they couldn't find his heartbeat. They could only hear mine, and I informed them that I had an anterior placenta which made finding his heartbeat tricky in general. 

So they rolled in the ultrasound Doppler machine and had me get on all fours, and they were still having a hard time finding his heartbeat.

The energy in the room was so tense and the urgency for intervention could be felt so tangibly in the air. 

I knew just what awaited me. 

They said, we're taking you to the Operating room just to prep you. You could end up having an emergency c section if his heartbeat doesn't go back up. So they rolled me into the operating room, and I was still on all fours and just bawling. 

I couldn't believe this was happening, and Peter was once again just left in the room to wait. 

I remember laying there on the table, feeling like I was going to fall off, as they placed an oxygen mask on my face. 

And we waited. And waited to see if his heartbeat went up.

And it went up from 65 to 110, but it didn't go up from there.

I remember asking so many questions, they had to keep taking the oxygen mask off my face to understand me. How long till my husband knows? I've never had general anesthesia before, how does it all work? How long will this all take? When will I see my husband again?

I remember thinking, we could both die. Conor and I could both die, I may not wake up. What image will Peter be left with? 

Now THAT is an incredibly surreal feeling.

And I remember thinking, as they prepared for the c-section, how are they going to put me under so fast? I'm sure to feel them cutting into me at this pace! I counted down to five, and let it be known, I didn't feel anything! And that's surreal in and of itself, to think there is a period of my life that is simply unaccounted for.  

During this time, a Dr. had come in to inform Peter that Conor's heartbeat had gone up, but then 5 minutes later they came in with a bracelet and said congratulations Dad on your baby boy!! Peter said the whole thing took like 20 minutes.

So let it be known world that on Saturday, April 14th at 8:35 PM, our third son, Conor Christopher Drennan was born at 28 weeks and 4 days, weighing in at 1 lb 10 oz. They say he came into the world with the cord wrapped around his neck twice, but that he came out crying! His first Apgar score was a 3 and his second was an 8. 

And after it all happened, they took me to a recovery room while the anesthesia wore off, and I just remember Peter walking into the room. And I loudly declared, Conor Christopher, I want to name him Conor Christopher. Hope that's okay with you? If it's not, we can talk about it, but last night all I could think about was his middle name and how much I'd love to name him after my mom's brother who died way too young. So that's what we landed on.

He's feisty and a fighter the nurses say. I saw him the night I had him - they wheeled my bed into his room. 

But I wasn't able to see him the day after he was born as my blood pressures were still acting up and they didn't want to take me off the floor until they had those under control. And I think I was still on magnesium and who knows what else!! I felt and looked horrible and was thanking Jesus for the invention of catheters as the thought of getting up out of bed terrified me. And I couldn’t stop throwing up, think that had started the night before and continued on through the next day. And I was so hungry and so thirsty, but every single thing I put into my mouth I threw up just moments later. Yuck!

But I did get to see him the day after that. And Conor met his brothers for the first time that day! I had been envisioning and dreaming about this moment and this first meeting for months, and let's just say the reality looked so very different than what I had envisioned in my mind. Oh my heart. 

When I think back to that day two weeks ago, it's truly wild to think about how fast it all was, how so much happened in such little time. I mean I was at Northwest at 1 pm for an ultrasound, and I had him at 8:35 pm at UW.

In total, I spent five nights in the hospital and 6 days, and I actually ended up being diagnosed with HELLP Syndrome (Hemolysis, elevated liver enzymes, low platelet count) which is a serious complication of high blood pressure during pregnancy and let’s just say it’s very rare, fewer than 20,000 cases per year in the US, and I was one of the lucky 20,000. So basically the Drs were worried because my high blood pressure had impacted my liver. So they kept me a few extra days for extra lab work and to monitor my blood pressures. 

And the day before I was discharged they moved me to the post partum unit, which they probably should have done days before. And all I could hear were the babies crying, and my heart just broke as I hadn't heard the cries of my own babe just yet, and it was so hard to be there in that space and in that room with healthy babies surrounding me. And I just cried, and the round of Drs walked in and they asked how I was, and I just cried and cried as I told them through the tears how hard it was to hear the babies cry and how badly I wanted to go home and how I hadn't really processed all that had happened. And I cry now while I'm typing this as it was so hard, that week had been so hard, and being in that space felt so hard. And my heart felt so heavy. And I just cried for the story I had hoped to have while I leaned into the story I was currently living out. 

All that to say, I never would have envisioned this would be Conor’s birth story 28 weeks prior when I saw the positive pregnancy test for the first time, but it is. And I feel like I'm doing my own processing and my own grieving as I cling to the hope and the promises that God sees me. He knows my heart, He knows my pain, He knows my joy, and He's there holding it all for me, begging me to extend grace to myself, to remember Him, to remember who He is, to remember that Conor belongs to Him and He alone is writing His story.

Thank you Jesus for this little life and for his very unique birth story! May Conor bring honor and glory to you by the way he lives his life, and may we never cease to be amazed at the glorious way you have created and uniquely designed each of us. 

And may we look back on his early days in awe at how far this teeny tiny human has come as we're reminded of just how miraculous of a Creator you truly are! 

Jack's birth story Part one and Part two.

Ryan's birth story.

Little Buddy #2: 30 weeks

week 17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29

So I thought we didn't get a bump photo this week, but turns out we did. It's just not a photo I would want to frame and put up in my house, so perhaps that's why I thought we didn't get one, but I suppose it reveals the realities of life, such as the pulled back hair which simply indicates the need for a shower and the fake smile which is a slight indication of the exhaustion.

Growing // LB2 weighs around 3 pounds and is roughly around 16 inches. They say he is the size of a cucumber - nice and skinny! Baby bump is definitely growing, and a few people have just now started to say...What? You are pregnant again! I can't believe it took them this long to notice - too funny. This time around though, no one is saying...oh you are so small. Actually, I lie, I have had a few people say that, but not nearly as many as I had with Jack. LB2's skin is getting smoother, and his brain is getting wrinklier. And he's now strong enough to grasp a finger!

Eating + Sleeping // Again, nothing too exciting to report. I'm sleeping fine. I sleep so soundly at night, until I have to wake up to go to the bathroom. And I'm sure I do dream, but I don't remember any of the crazy pregnancy dreams. 

Feeling // Heartburn has finally hit me, and I finally gave in and purchased my first box of antacid tablets. They are so good! If I'm honest though, it's not THAT bad, but there was one night last week where I literally couldn't get to sleep because the heartburn was so bad. I figured I had toughed it out long enough, and now was my time. I haven't noticed any swelling, but I'm sure there is some as my boots are getting a bit more tricky to put on. And my rings are getting tighter too! I can still pull them off, and I'm hoping the day doesn't come when I have to take them off, but we shall see. What else? I don't have any stretch marks, and I don't know if I'll get any as I didn't get any with Jack, but again, we shall see!

I had a Dr's appointment this past week, and I found out that I don't have gestational diabetes, but I also found out that my iron levels are low, just as they were with Jack. So Iron tablets it is. And the funny thing is, I still have some in my cupboard. Do they expire? We chatted about the future of this pregnancy and what the next 10 weeks could look like. The reality is, there is more uncertainty with this pregnancy than there was with Jack. With Jack, we knew he would come early, we just didn't know HOW early, and the closer we got, we knew there was a good chance that I would have a c-section. With Little Buddy #2, I have no idea when he'll arrive nor do I know how he will arrive. He could be here in the next few weeks via a c-section, or I could be induced around 37 weeks and attempt a VBAC or I could carry him full term or he could be overdue. One thing I do know is that I'm not scheduling a c-section, but other than that, everything else is up in the air. And if I'm honest, the uncertainty excites me. It's exciting to think that this baby will have a different birth story than his brothers and it all really hinges on my blood pressure and what happens there. It's been averaging around 130/80 and the Dr. told me not to worry about it until it hits 150/90. But as of now, I'm not on any medication at all, completely different than my experience with Jack.

Wearing // Still living in my maternity dresses, and sometimes I pull out my pre pregnancy dresses that still have some give room.

Milestones // I celebrated my 32nd birthday! And we bought your brother a toddler bed seeing as you are eventually going to be taking over his crib. We went to the pumpkin patch this week, but I didn't get any photos of the belly bump, only this family photo and this photo of sweet Jack. 

 Pregnant with Jack week  17 // 18 // 19 // 20 // 21 // 22 // 23 // 24 // 25 // 26 // 27 // 28 // 29 // 30